Hello again cat. I also do not feel my FIL is solely responsible for this. That is crazy. I believe if he would leave her alone, she would be much less likely to leave as no one else thinks its the right thing to do. He pushed her into opening a secrect bank account. He keeps telling her how disappointed he is that she hasn't already left, berates her on the phone until she feels the need to apologize for wanting to give her marriage a chance. No, he's not solely responsible he is just inableing her to do things that if left alone, she most likely wouldn't do.
As for my W coming out of replay, in the past she has started to withdraw from going out with her friends all the time. She started to become more involved with the kids, even going away together as a family. We even ML and were becoming closer but then her father contacts her, tells her if she EVER wants to see him it has to be right then and when she tells him it's not a good time, he guilts her saying if he isn't important enough to her than forget it. My D begged her not to go to Fla as it overlapped an event they had planned on going to together for a year and my W tells her she must go then or her dad said to forget it. This way she gets to not only show that she cares more about him than her kids but feels guilty about it and blames ME for that guilt! By the time she got back from her trip she was fully back in replay and worse than ever.
As far as detaching from her as it comes to me, I haven't asked her to do or not do anything for many months, as long as it's just her. I really expect zero from her at this point and if she wants to act up I don't let it effect me. But when it comes to my D's, I draw the line. There is no way that she doesn't know it's not ok to send my D 1000 miles away to stay with a man I do not trust and has shown isn't reliable enough to leave our kids with!
As far as projecting about shared sacrifice, we gave up many things to get my D through school, bigger house, nicer cars, cool vacations, etc. We spoke often about how it was worth it to get her a good head start. I don't need to project, I know what she said and did over the last 13 years. She may "feel" differently now but for her to have that big a change in what she thinks is important, shows there is more going on here than a change if heart. Even after the cereamony on Sunday she said she was thinking about all it took to get my D there so she feels it, she just doesn't want to share this with me.
Right now there is so much going on that is the culmination of many years of sacrifice. To see this stranger who has taken over for my wife is hurtful to see. I can be detached and at the same time morn the loss of a person I've been with for 25 years and raised my children with. I don't like the person she has become, nor will I ever think the choices she's been making are anything but valueless and amoral. If I didn't think that the person she was at least at her core was still somewhere in there and that she just wants to stop hurting and is running from those core values to try and stop that pain, I wouldn't care and just start over with someone new. There will come a time when after she gets what she wants, she will find that she is no happier. Of this I am certain. Maybe than she will be able to look where the real problem lies, within, and we can have a better marriage. If that never happens well, that will be sad.
