Wife in MLC and getting ready to go #2

[cat04]

I really need some feedback here from some Sr. people. My parents coming to visit for first time in 3 years has had W anxious.

I am sorry that your W is getting anxious about this. Those are her feelings to own and there is nothing that you can or should try to do about it.

Your W and your parents are all grown ups. I would hope that they could act like it for the sake of your D, who is really who this visit is about right?

So I am unsure what you need help with there...

This morning my W asked me "Are your parents angry at me?". I was honest with her and told her "From the start they have told me to make sure you know they love you. They also don't like the way you are acting right now, and I agree with them. But they do love you.".

This statement was very judgemental towards your W. While it may have been the truth, you would have been better off answering the question as simply as possible. "They want you to know they love you." or "yes" or "no." With no interjection of other thoughts.

You see the result it got you, your W is now more on the defensive.

Way does she think saying the way she is "acting" is so funny? How can she not feel the way I do about our shared sacrifice we went thru and be so cold? God, all the hard work it took us both to get our D to this place and she is so very cold!

She doesn't necessarily think the way she is acting is funny but she doesn't think it is wrong either, which is how she perceives how you and your parents view her actions.

She doesn't feel the way you do because she isn't you.

I do wonder if your W was so severly depressed that some days she couldn't get off of the couch, how much did she actually do and sacrafice to get your D here?

I think you are projecting your feelings and expectations onto your W and the situation.

Matt,

It's time for you to detatch. I know you think you are but it comes through in your posts just how attached you still are through your anger and your judgement.

I also know you believe that your FIL is solely responsible for all of this and in a round about way I agree with you, but I also think that at this point he is trying to be supportive of his D and what he believes she wants. Where is your W's responsiblity in all of this?

I already know you don't think you have any sort of responsibility in this, and that if he had stayed away that your W would be fine and your M would be intact however, I don't believe that to be the case.

I know you didn't cause the MLC, but I also know that people go through transitions without ever leaving something that they are fully happy with. So to a degree we LBS all have some responsibility in their desire to leave the M.

And you comment about having a live-in MLCer... there are more of us who have experienced that than you think.

You have a long road infront of you. You keep saying your W is moving out of replay and from what you have written, I see no evidence of that at all.

It's time to start looking in the mirror that is in front of you instead of in the rearview mirror at her and what she is doing.