Had drill all weekend, but have a lot to journal. I will address your questions first.
You are right. I have been pursing. I'm scared of taking care of my kidlet alone, and knowing he will answer the phone has calmed me down more often than not.
Since he came back - nothing really. He has stayed the same. For me - I started doing my own things, but he would get irritable and controlling again if I did too much without him. It's a huge insecurity issue.
I tried GALing. I did to some extent - joined a gym - but he would still get ticked if I mentioned meetup.com groups for cycling or running - he says they are singles groups. He still would choose his friends over me. It wasn't healthy. I started feeling like I was an unwanted obligation. I was just desperate for help with the baby, and he would defer her care to me, saying I was better at it. True story, but he also didn't help around the rest of the house. My love tank was on E at this point.
Anyhow, I finally got to the point that I had enough of him caring only about himself. I started becoming angry. Any time he would be selfish, I could no longer control my anger. Then I was just angry that he didn't LISTEN to me when I told him WHY. He just told me I was being too emotional. My anger escalated and I was just not nice to him for 6 weeks straight. He would say something to barely set me off, and I'd say something snarky or rip him a new one. It never escalated to violence on my end, but did on his.
He showed up late with our daughter. She eats at 3PM at daycare, and then at 5PM she gets home and wants to EAT EAT EAT again. He shows up with her at 6PM, she hasn't eaten since three, she's screaming and upset. I was furious. I took his phone, told him work wasn't more important than his daughter, and proceeded to make her dinner. I gave her a snack, and when I turned around to the sink, he grabbed me, put me in a headlock and tried to take his phone back. I panicked and started trying to get away. He threw me on the ground and laid on top of me still trying to get his phone. It took me screaming at him to get off and to stop to get him to stop, but it wasn't instantly. I called the police to file a report. He ran off. I didn't press charges, although now I'm wondering if that would have pushed him to seek help (being at "rock bottom" in a jail cell.)
That said, I'm not sure it would as he still refuses to admit he has a problem. Right now, he's doing "I hate you don't leave me." He keeps asking if I really wanted to stay married to him, but then says that I "deserve" this. He has moved out at my urging today. I felt it was best he did so we could cool off. I'm still extremely hurt and angry at what he did after he PROMISED me we would talk if things got bad again. He SWORE he would never again go to an attorney.
I've NOT been doing well. The fear of adjusting to single motherhood has me scared senseless. I have no friends around. He's trying to tell me I cannot date or see anyone until the divorce is final. Today, he is firing his attorney (supposedly) as he doesn't want to pay her more money in the divorce. He is also SUPPOSEDLY canceling the temporary orders hearing, and wants to just "work it out between us." I'm not sure what to think. My attorney is a good dear friend of mine, who is representing me pro bono. He told me we will wait and see what happens, but thinks that divorce is a good option based on the situation. Until my H realizes he has a problem, he can't fix it. I just wish he could lose the pride, admit he has a problem and get help. Unfortunately, I know how hard that can be for some, and it's on him to realize the situation.
I've also been doing a horrible job at 180's and GALing. All my friends live about 45 minutes to an hour away. He was a pretty controlling person, so I didn't make many here. While in some ways, the man making decisions is great - being told who you can and cannot hang out with is not fun, and no way to live.
I really REALLY do not LIKE him right now. I love him, and would still do anything for him, but right now - I cannot think of any reason why I LIKE him. I had given him the option of separating for everyone to cool their heels, me to attend some more counseling sessions without him questioning me the second I got back, and just trying to discover some things about ourselves that we lost in the arguing. He chose to file instead.
I'm sure there are some holes I am missing. That said, I'm an open book for any questions. My mind has been in a fog since he filed.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
