if there is ever a time to tell your wife that story about your dad, and what you learned from it, tell her.
I don't know when that time is, but it's a great anecdote. And a familiar scene in most homes.
My FIL is in his 4th m. It has lasted the longest and is by far, the best one. (My h is from his first m, 18 years long and bitterly ended in 1979 before I met h).
MY FIL is a Vietnam veteran, retired Marine Corps officer. After his 3rd w left him, my FIL said to me, in a vulnerable way, "maybe it's ME"....to which I said "well, indeed it is you. What would you like to work on?"
And he listened, and he changed, and he remarried at age 62, and he is a much better h than ever before. People can change. They do it all the time. Sometimes they even mean to do it.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hate to belabor or make requests of vets and other posters - but I am still wondering what you meant a few posts ago by "xw will see goodness in you". I have very, very much dropped the rope and gone dark. I do not reach out, and if it is not direly urgent (it rarely is) I do not respond. If I have sent more than 2 or 3 texts in the last month (all in response to her) I would be shocked. No hostility, just short and factual. How is goodness part of that? I did take son to make her something for Mother's Day (See previous post) - and it was painful, but I am trying to do the right thing and teach him to honor, love and respect his mother (did I mention that was effing hard?).
I have just been wondering that from you, 25. Wondering if there is a line of site to goodness in me and/or if at least ONE positive memory or emotion will ever resurface in the shadow of OM. Not that it MEANS anything.
Just curiosity, GM - I am still trying to land on a comfortable way to "be". Don't get me wrong, I have gone way dark and I don't plan on reversing that any time soon. Interacting with her is inevitable - as much as I do not care to. Maybe I am trying to balance grace with anger and everything else I am feeling right now -- and it is a lot.
Sorry, I don't have a lot of answers.
I had an appointment this afternoon with my psych. Weeellll, guess who dumped about 25 pounds in a month and was officially branded with a "depressive relapse"! The good thing is that she said it is not abnormal. Our appointments had been abut 6-7 months apart, but she wants to see me next month.
WHAT? . Crimson! How does a person lose that much weight in a month? What are you thinking? Never mind. I KNOW what has been on your mind! Is she really worth this much? Is she worth killing your son's father? No, I didn't word it correctly, b/c she isn't the one doing this, is she?
You know, a person could get skittish about anything they say to you.....the way you can take a coulple of words and keeeeeep hanging on to them and analyzing and questioning. Seeing goodness in you......well let's see, maybe she was trying to help you feel better......which is one heck of a challenge, or maybe she was giving you one last ounce of hope, or maybe it was nothing any deeper than a person saying, "How are you today.". IDK, but listen to yourself. Are you trying to put yourself in the hospital? You used that example of your father and the effects it might have had on your life......what kind of effects do you think you worrying yourself into an early grave is going to effect your son? Do you want him being like this one day? How would you feel to see him doing the same you are doing now? If you ever had motivation to stop chasing your tail, that little boy should do it.
In the famous of words of Cher..........(slap) Snap out of it!
Look, if you have changed into the very best you know how to be.......what more is there? If you are as good as you can be.......and "if" she ever opens her immature, selfish, blind eyes..... and really observes you, she will either see the good in you or she won't. If a person chooses to not see the good in others, they usually won't. Since most of us are imperfect, it gives room for criticism.......especially to those who are looking to find fault.
Will it change you.......based on what she chooses to see? Will it change the truth about who you are? If she doesn't see good in you......does that determine you must not be good? That sure gives another person a lot of power over the truth about you, wouldn't you say? If she does see goodness in you.....maybe there is hope for HER yet. If she never sees beyond her own nose, then it is her sad loss. Either way, does it change the truth about you?
It all boils down to the fact you continue to give her opinion of you too much value. I understand that a lot more than you may realize. I have spent years of my life trying to live by other people's set standard for me, and trying to be accepted. It NEVER works. You can work yourself to death (literally) trying to be good enough and wanting to be accepted or noticed or recognized for your effects/accomplishments. You can fret and over think it until you have a nervous breakdown (and sounds as if you are headed that way)........but my point is that as long as you continue to want her approval......you will never be free. You will hold yourself prisoner in a jail you created. NOT HER, but you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah, GM...that's pretty much how depressed/anxiety-ridded Crimson rolls. I don't eat much and my anxiety elevates my metabolic rate....classic "fight or flight" response.
Just saw your post, Sandi. I assure you, I keep my emotions and feelings towards everything away from my son. In fact, he really does help me keep the garbage out of my head when we are together. I am very, very, very consistent with him and am well aware that I do not want my issues to bleed into him. I make absolute sure not be curl up on the floor like a cocktail shrimp when he is here. I also know that he can pick up on my moods - so I make it a point to remain positive around him at all times - regardless of my personal feelings.
What she sees in me will not change me. I am, very much, a new man in many regards and nothing can change that - that includes her not noticing or accepting a thing in me at all. The change his here to stay. I often tell myself that if she doesn't see it, it is her loss. I don't know if I BELIEVE it - but I say it nonetheless.
It just hit me to clarify...I AM eating normally again! It was a bumpy few weeks - but I DO have an appetite. That has always been my stress response - some people over-eat, so people get reduced appetites. I am in the no-appetite camp....but again, I AM eating. In fact....I am on my way to pick up a pizza...and stopping by the pharmacy at the direction of my psych today. I'm pulling it together....slowly, but I am getting there.....just need to stay out of my head.
So many similarities right now crimson. I'm a non eater during times of stress too. I lost about 30 lbs the first time my ex left. I'm a small guy too.
I'm interested in seeing some responses to your question about how to "be" around your ex. Right now I'm being as calm and neutral as I possibly can. Problem is, my ex seems to be "pursuing". I don't know if it's actually pursuing but she's sending me pic messages of things she's bought for s3 and get this.... I got a text today while at work with a file attached. It was her singing lullabies to our son from a couple nights ago. She knows I love her singing voice. Wtf!!
Anyway, I'm following your lead and trying to be as dark as I can. But it gets extra confusing when they pursue a bit.
Question for ya, how has your ex been lately with you? Friendly? Cold? Indifferent? Non existent?
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
. Crimson! How does a person lose that much weight in a month? What are you thinking? Never mind. I KNOW what has been on your mind! Is she really worth this much? Is she worth killing your son's father? No, I didn't word it correctly, b/c she isn't the one doing this, is she?