Hi FY. I stopped by your thread today and I don't know why but I'm glad I did. My W and I still live together as well. It's almost one year since B-day and there have been ups and downs. Up until last Dec. my W would allow me to touch her ONLY when I gave her a back rub when she was stressed. All of a sudden at that time she wouldn't even allow that. Next she took off her ring and left our room for the LR couch. I didn't understand at the time why or what happened but then last month I found out she had seen a post of mine on another site! It couldn't have been as bad as she makes it out, I probably was answering someone who was giving me advice I didn't agree with but she said she was angry about what I wrote she took off her ring and moved out of the BR!
No, she didn't speak to me about it, that would make too much sense! She just used it as more justification for wanting a D (or at least separation at this point). Thing is, it was at that time that I came to realize she was having an MLC! Since that time I have been DBing like mad and I couldn't understand why it didn't have ANY effect! The night we talked, when I told her i was sorry if I wrote something she didn't like, when i told her I know she would be able to make it on her own, that was never the question, the question is is she better off. She came to me to give her a back rub!
What this tells me is this is a way for her to make contact. Don't get me wrong, most of the time she is so sure she MUST leave to find her "joy" but there are times when I can see in her face and actions she is so unsure but just so scared if she stays she will never be 'happy' and if she doesn't leave after all the hurt she has caused, she is afraid of being rejected or judged, even though I have made it clear I would never do this.
I am learning when I can give her small touches like you talk about. Usually she will either ignore it or a few times has moved away but I too will continue to make some sort of contact while I can. In my sitch there is a hiccup that you don't have. That is my FIL who is pushing her to leave me and the kids. I really think if he would stay out of the picture we would have a much better chance of making it through this with our M intact. Now I found out he is coming soon and I really think it is to "help' her find a place to move to, so I don't have much time before she may go. I have noticed that whenever she starts to maybe come out a bit, when she finds herself wanting my attention and to be there for her, she talks to FIL and it's right back to pushing away.
Your posts do give me hope. Most people on here don't live with their S and it's harder than most think it is! I know somewhere inside my W still has love for me but is so scared, in so much pain she is afraid that if she does come back to the M, things will just be like they were. Of course we all know that can't happen. Neither of us are the people we were before all this started. She suffered from major depression several years before this all started and I really don't think she ever came out of that fully, now she is afraid of falling deeper and as she comes out of replay, she starts to feel that same old depressive feeling and it scares the heck out of and she goes running back into the replay hoping to find the magic thing that will bring her 'happiness". If only she could see that the magic lies in her and our family!
Thanks for posting and I am going to follow your thread closely!
