Looking up at the mountain ahead

[Train]

Hey, HS!

I was just checking in to write a little about the weekend when I saw your note. And it is SO in-line with what I logged on to journal about ...

This. is. hard. Who knew that re-attracting H was only half the battle? Well, obviously YOU guys did. But whew! I'm still over here, slinging. I mean, I KNEW it would be hard even if he came back. But, well, this is really d@mn hard, if I haven't mentioned that already.

I find myself happy one moment and feeling hopeless the next. Friday night, H was in an angry mood re: his second-shift job. He went to work anyway, but he was upset because it's not going the way the business owner - H's friend - promised. I listened to H and asked if he wanted company at work that night. He said I wouldn't want to be around him in the mood he was in but said: "Tell ya what, don't tell me whether or not you're coming." Basically, he was saying, surprise me. So I did, remembering something he told me the night of BD: "I just want a girl who will hang out in the shop with me." I showed up at his work with a six-pack of his favorite beer and his favorite energy drink, just to try to cheer him up. I sat around and chatted with him while he worked. His spirits were clearly lifted, and he told me so.

He initiated a talk about some of the details of the A ... and about the night I left flowers at the hotel for him and OW. He talked of why he was so angry toward me all the time: mainly because he was mad at himself. He told me how he knew he made the wrong choice the very night I asked him to leave. He said he stayed in his car that night. When I started talking about some of MY feelings, though, he became agitated. I realized what was happening: it was our "old" way of communicating. I jump on one thing - and it wasn't even important AT ALL - and just shove it down his throat until he chokes on it. Usually, he just gets really mad and shuts down. This time, I told him I was leaving until we could calm ourselves and then we could consider continuing our conversation later.

He texted me almost immediately, saying he was sorry, he loves me and that he wished I hadn't left.

I couldn't text back immediately because I was still driving home. By the time I was home, he was freaking out, asking if I wasn't speaking with him anymore. And *I* had calmed down enough to realize that the topic I had raised at the shop was not solution-oriented AT ALL. It did NOTHING to help us reach our goals. So I wrote him back once home and apologized. I tried to explain that while he sees me as strong and resilient, that I am going to need his patience and understanding as we both try to work through the pain and confusion. I also suggested we schedule "affair-free" nights to just relax and enjoy one another. He agreed to that and asked me out on a date for the following night (Saturday). I recommended that to be an "affair-free" night.

We had a ball. He took me out to eat at a nice restaurant. He *did* bring up the A, but he asked me if I felt comfortable listening to something he had to say. I told him I was fine with it as long as we didn't allow it to turn into an argument ... for that night. Some things he has said sting - hard. But I try to listen and really HEAR what he's saying. I've learned a lot in the past few months about how differently we communicate. I'm trying to adjust my way, and he seems to (perhaps unknowingly) be reciprocating. We are starting to have some of those frank discussions. It's somewhat uncomfortable, and I have to keep reminding myself to stay solution-focused. It's so easy to run down a rabbit hole with pointless questions/discussions that are NOT going to get us closer to a goal of moving forward together. We both hope that counseling will help us work on this even more.

Yesterday, we took the kids to the mountains and had another good day.

Now, we're starting to have discussions about how to make things work from here out. We both are ready to move. There are all sorts of issues tied to that decision, including the decision to now leave D16 here to finish her last year of high-school in her district, and D17 would stay to begin college here. D16 will live with my mom, who's been a second-mom to her and her sister all their lives. D17 will likely stay with my sister, who has ALSO been like a second-mom to the girls all their lives. We have a very close-knit family. At first, I felt okay with the arrangement because the girls understood I was leaving our town to go find peace and happiness that I know I can't find here. Now that H will be going with me, I am so afraid they're going to feel I'm abandoning them for him. And I'm not. I just don't want to force such a huge change on them when they're almost legally adults. I also, though, don't want to be one more person who has abandoned them. I think they know better. But they're also very angry with H. I'm letting him clean up that mess, too. But if I stand by him, I'm so afraid my older girls are going to resent me for it. They say they will support me. But everything has changed for them, and they don't want a relationship with H. I don't know if that will ever change.

And then, there are allllll those well-meaning friends and family members. They all said they would support me, no matter what I decided. And it felt like they rallied behind me BIG TIME when H was gone. But now? Oh boy. Now, their feelings about H are coming out. They're mad as hornets. And bitter. And I get where they're coming from: They want to see me out of pain. They don't feel he deserves my forgiveness after everything he did to the kids and me. I almost feel they're attacking my choice to try to save my M and family, even though that's not what they're MEANING to do. They're mentioning it'll likely happen again. They're telling me I deserve better. (I find it almost laughable to hear such "words of disapproval" from a friend who has cheated on HER H but wasn't caught ...) It's just so frustrating! They say I'm one of the smartest people they know yet they act like I'm making a foolish decision. And then I start to have those doubts: Will H always be a cheater? Can I make it through this in tact? Will I ever be here again? Even if I am the best wife on the planet for H, will it be enough? There will be bad days and probably a bad week every now and again; will he cheat on me again?

Though, yes, my spirits are up and I feel happy, I also feel so beat down on so many levels right now. Perhaps only folks like you all can understand being in both of those places at one time??

H and I understand that the straw that broke the camel's back in our M was him having two jobs. I never had any time/conversations with him. He'd come home at midnight, plop down on the couch and say, "Wanna do it?" I'd roll my eyes and say, "no." He'd ask if I wanted to schedule a time to ML with him. I'd respond: "Do you want to schedule a time to take me out?" Ugly, vicious cycle. But that's what our relationship was reduced to. Neither of us was happy; we weren't in a living, breathing M. We want it to be different this time. But it can't be if he's continuing to work two jobs. Though I've felt that living separate while going through counseling would be beneficial, we discussed yesterday how he will continue to have to hold down two jobs if he's paying for two households (our marital home, which we still plan to vacate, AND his apartment). It would be more beneficial for our M if he could stop working two jobs. So we made a decision that he would move back into our home, essentially just in time to help me pack it up. He has e-mailed the managers of the apartment complex to end his lease. He'll have to do a buy-out, but whatever. (He also paid to have OW's phone completely severed from his account, and I will be calling to place his phone back on the family plan today.) He plans to drastically reduce his hours, or completely quit, his second-shift job to spend more time with me ... and as a family.

He has started looking for jobs in the mountains. We're going to start budgeting tonight so we know exactly how much money we will need to make wherever we go.

I'm so glad I have you guys here. You are truly pro-marriage and pro-family, and it's good to know I have a place to receive some like-minded support when I feel like I feel right now. I honestly feel like I'm fighting a hundred battles all at once.