Have I any hope...?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25,
What have I started? That's a good q. I booked a holiday for myself, bought a new car but as for the gym nothing. I plan on starting Spanish lessons and guitar lessons when I return from holiday but yes, I should have started these a good while back.

When you are doing these things and making time for them, that proves, (whether she says so or not, and it's not THE point anyhow), but yes it "proves" that more time would be available for the next r to be attended to. That means you can have & nurture a R with a woman, whom you/we hope is your wife.

That "evidence" needs to be front and center when you interact. That's to SHOW CHANGE ON YOUR END. If you like the Spanish class & guitar lessons, it'll be harder for her to say "but it's just a tactic". Make sense?

Obviously, if you reconcile, you'll need to keep doing some of those on your own b/c you're independent and you bring something to the table,
(& b/c these are not merely tactics to gain her back, but real interests of yours b/c you are not a "homebody who puts no effort into life but going to work and coming home to 'rest' anymore...)
but hopefully she'll either join you on one of them, or you'll decide together on a class.
It's very bonding (& fun) to learn something new, together. I HIGHLY recommend it.

When I say I lost two stones that equates to approx. 28 pounds.

Good for you! Are you working out too, (or just doing the "OMG I'm in grief/I can't eat 'diet'"? That 'diet' is effective but horrid.

I do believe we did and still do have great chemistry. We still laugh a lot at things when chatting. But as I said, my 'homebody' persona has affected our marriage. It took a while to get married simply due to the costs involved but went for it after we got back together about 5 years ago.

IF SHE would say the same thing^^, about delaying a marriage, and not a word about doubts or apathy on either end, then it sounds reasonable.

I mean, it's not the passion I like to see...And btw, to ME, having a chid with someone, is a way BIGGER commitment than taking vows. So when I see couples with kids not yet married, I tend to think "it's their R that they are Not sure of...and I think they divorce even more than typical couples. Just a thought, based on experience here. I don't have other empirical evidence. Just believe that strongly....for what it's worth, which isn't much now.

My W is adamant that she truly loved me on our marriage day and I believe her.

She said her sister said she did not love her H when they got married so, as I say, I believe her. As for telling each other 'I love you'... We said this continually from the beginning of our R.

How about NOT ever asking her that again, what she used to feel? See, there is no value in that question IF you want to reconcile. Do you get why?

The question & topic itself is a blatant form of pursuit. I think what you are really asking her, or implying, is that she still loves you, or should, and that she just doesn't know it yet or is hiding from it, or maybe she is lying and never did love you...

don't corner her into saying that, just so she doesn't worry about 'leading you on'.... Remember, the more you challenge her choices, the more she'll defend them. Same for the emotions.

As for the boring housewife comment. I believe thàt is the main thing of why things broke down. She always mentioned my working hours as affecting our R but I ignored this because my wages are so much better compared to if I worked normal hours. However I am seriously considering changing this b/c even if we don't get back together how will I meet someone else?!?!

You have to change this for those^^ very reasons. She told you (IN EFFECT) that "you don't have enough time for ME or our marriage." You ignored that, which you admit, b/c You chose money over time with her, even when she expressed her desire for you to choose her.
She knew the money was better by taking night shifts, but she wanted more time with you anyway.

For you to ignore her request, which came from a place of neglected love, has to have felt like a slap in the face to her. And it has to change before you can assume she'll want back in the m, AND STAYS back in...do you get that?

I mean, instead of saying she fears being a "boring housewife", change the word "boring" to the word "lonely"...

I will say that my whole clothes/cologne issue is a change I have made and she has commented on that. But I did this for me b/c it makes me feel gd. This will continue.

I'm glad the changes will continue.


I hope this has helped you understand my sitch more. And again, thank you sooo much for your help and support. More of this would be appreciated :-)

I think I do understand it. I'm just wondering what life changes you could have made that would have changed things, and I can see that altering your schedule is obviously required.

But that has not changed, correct? So in HER eyes, could she say that, to you, making more money is more important that being with her?

Don't scoff. MANY spouses who feel neglected, and are told that the schedule "pays better THIS way", are hearing "I don't want to PAY for more time with you, even if it means divorce".

And there are SOME WASs who say "IF I KNEW SHE'D take me back, then...." but that means 1) it's only a tactic to get her back and 2) you'd be back to the old schedule in a heartbeat and she'd be right back where she was, if you reconciled,

and 3) that down deep, you'd "prefer" being married to her, but when push comes to shove, more time together is simply not a priority for you.

This^^ is mind reading except that it's based on HER comments to you about being ships passing in the night. When I said that to my h, I meant an ultimatum.

(I did not "issue" an ultimatum, but that is what I felt I was doing.) Today I'm more direct.

Bottom line is you want your w to notice the changes AND wonder about how much better a partner you'll be soon...for someone...and how if it is an OW, that OW benefits by your wife's efforts.

Most wives do NOT enjoy the work they did, for the benefit of some OW.
Drives many of them nuts enough to MAYBE re-think their choice to leave...
OR maybe to think "leaving him triggered these changes...so maybe now it's safe to reconcile"...
so that the choice to leave was not 'wrong", it was helpful!
But now, staying apart makes less & less sense...that's what the secondary over all goal is, while the first over all goal is to LIVE YOUR LIFE BETTER and in more participating ways.

She did not want to be married to a spectator of life, b/c she prefers a participant.

Make sense? Aren't these changes good for YOU? If you believe that, then you're more likely to keep them going.

Good luck! You're in a better position than many here. Keep on keeping on.