W thinks she is pulling this off, and that I don't know about A, and she is now coming up with deeper schemes to milk the situation and make her A easier, like trying to be nice to me so that I don't think anything is going on. This is crap.
Some of her complaints about us are valid - like we stopped going out and socializing, loss of romance, etc. We both got caught up in stuff, took things for granted, drifted, and internalized instead of talking. She really feels she tried, and I'm sure I missed it. I was definitely zoned out for a while. I feel I have addressed what I can, but the rest just can't be touched unless we are both trying. And she's not there, so I can't do anything about that. Accepted.
So I have this question. Is it better for me to let her continue to think she is successfully keeping A secret, or better to let her know that unless she tells me she has stopped A, I will assume A and act as if that is the path we are on, and that this can't go on forever?
Is it just trading pressures? Now she has the pressure of trying to keep A underground, but also the thrill that comes with that. If I made my position clear that I am assuming A, she would lose the pressure of hiding it, and might start worrying about losing plan B. Or is this just open marriage with a clock threat? Seriously, I wonder if it is better for her to think one thing or the other.
The thing is, some of the things she plans to do, like sever her phone from the family plan under the guise of "business phone" don't make economical sense, and if the only reason for her to do it is to keep her calls secret from me, then why bother. I mean, let's cut the crap here. Do I want to pay more for this delusion? So there are a bunch of these "crafty" moves coming my way that are going to have to be dealt with.
And I so want to use the opportunity to just state a few things. Not that she will really listen, or that they will change her mind, but just that they might clear up a few things that she really has got wrong. For example, she keeps saying that "H wants to go back" when really we could only hope to see if there even exists a forward path.
And when she says she backed down and internalized instead of expressing what she wanted, she calls that "settling" and I'd like her to know that neither of us should ever "settle". We would have to say what we want, and the other person might not be up to it.
Am I foolish to think that she can even hear this somewhere in the back of her mind, and that someday, if she ever changes her thinking, it might mean something? I'm not trying to tell her what to do, or even what I want to do, just laying out the only choices I see and what I think they mean.
I guess it's one thing for me to be patient, but quite another to be played while being patient. For people with the WAW that walked, this is all out in the open, you know there's an A. For me, I have her still at home trying to behave as if everything is sort of normal, and the A is a big secret, and it just isn't, so why are we playing that game? I used to think that it was because she would never be comfortable admitting A, but now, there's just no getting around it.
Now Sandi may come and tell me that WAW will hear this as me trying to tell her what to do. She has a head full of OM and doesn't want to hear me talk needs. I know she does for a fact. And Starsky may say that these are just more words, and only appropriate for the "what would it take..." moment.
And maybe they are right. I think the difference is that I'm letting her know my assumptions so there's no delusion. There are two stark paths; we're on one or the other. There is no limbo. And one path doesn't have me paying for new phone accounts.
And I am moving on. I guess I'd like her to understand my reasoning, and that she has something to do with it and some choice in the matter, rather than just have her wonder why I'm out without her, or call me an a$$hole that's trying to make her life miserable because he never loved me, etc. etc.
---- acknowledge that she is angry, accept my responsibility
no easy decisions at this point: MC path - no going back to what was, that didn't work [her misconception] - determine needs and see whether they can be met [W's big on "needs" talk] - no settling - be clear on needs and get agreement ["settling" is her word] - requires leap of faith: --- that I can meet her needs. --- that she can get over past disappointments and look forward. - no guaranteed outcome, but a chance - hopeful since W is now voicing her needs - requires NC with OM (can't have both) [W thinks I won't MC because she has "wrong attitude"]
other path - nothing solved and guaranteed damage for everyone - never know if we could have done better
state that my assumption is that if we aren't on the MC path, we are on the other path and should plan accordingly. (financially, etc.)
