Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

I feel like I am losing my mind. This is my journal entry this morning. So much positive but so much confusion!!!


Yesterday evening he said- is there anything else we need to talk about? I said I don't think so. I asked if he wanted me to ask my mom to babysit for a dinner. He said yes- and we don't have to talk about any of this
A little anger came out and I said " well what are we going to talk about?" Kids? Work?
He said sorry we can talk about whatever- you just seem like you need a break from talking about the divorce paperwork. Said he thinks it's important we have dinner periodically so we can stay on same page about kids etc.
Then things got deep- I said it's not that I need a break it's just hard, it's not what I want and I have to face reality and move on, create a separate life. He didn't like hearing that reality, he had told his IC that he could see himself dating me in five years but verbalized in this conversation that he realizes that's how the world works. I said he's choosing to end the relationship and so going forward it's about the kids.
That bothered him as he has felt so bad about himself over the last few years and thought I only wanted to be with him because he was the father of our kids. I said there's definitely a connection between us, but divorcing changes that.
Then he starts talking about all the stuff he's done wrong over the last few years- not supporting me at work through a really horrible time, focusing on his own needs and not giving to me in the ways I needed, and realized that today was the first time in months he asked me about new things at work. He was clearly in pain and being hard on himself and in tears.
I felt that he needed to be hugged and so I did. He held on really tight and cried. I told him I wasn't trying to rewrite the ending for him but I have to love him enough to let him go. He said he wants to be loved for him and not just the father of our kids and I said I do love him for him- what he has to do is believe he is worthy of love. He kept holding me and didn't want to let go. Started to talk about ML but I said no that's a boundary right now ( that was a 180 on a previous 180...). He understood. Said thank you for not kicking him out ( though he still has the house he rented previously he's not going there yet).
He held me all night long.
This is soooooo hard!