"If you have noticed, I have lost ALOT of followers because I chose to take my own path here, inspite the advice I have been given..... funny thing is that I am taking the advice and putting my own spin on it. I would have thought it would have been recognized as strength... but, others prefer to see it as more "not listening"."
You've got this part twisted. People got frustrated because your "own spin" was contrary to what was advised which showed that you weren't listening or didn't understand what people were trying to tell you.
There are many of us here who have saved our marriages and stay to help others. We've seen MANY situations like yours and can say what has worked and what hasn't. To say to those people that they are wrong and you're going to do what you want anyway makes the posters feel like they're wasting their time when there are so many others begging for help.
And even more frustrating is when you get the SAME advice from one of your friends or acquaintences and you acknowledge that they have a great idea while in the past you dismissed it from the posters here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Magic, Why did you feel pressured and obligated? The people posting here are just like you, searching for answers. They acknowledge the postings and take away what they can use and toss the rest. There is no binding contract or an "IOU" for the advice.
Have you thought that maybe the way you communicated your path and how you were going about it could have created frustration for the posters and that's why they have opted not to post to you? Have you ever asked yourself why people react the way they do when you raise questions repeatedly about the same subject? Why do you feel the need to respond quickly to posters or people in the real world? Why not sit on their advice/suggestions/support for a bit and think about how you are going to respond and not be defensive or in a debatable way? What you are doing is called a "knee jerk" reaction and sometimes it comes across as being "not listening, thinking or actually reading and comprehending" what people have posted.
Why be scared? Haven't you been living on your own for quite some time? That's called being independent. Are you placing yourself first in your world? Do you like the person you are today? Before others can love and respect you, you've got to love and respect yourself first.
BTW, I'm glad to see you have started a photo project. This is a first step in finding ways to keep yourself busy. What will you do w/this project when it's completed? Will you share it w/others or just place it in the closet for safekeeping?
Have you begun to look for another place to live? If not, why?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I felt obligated and pressured. Sometimes its just easier to do as asked than to keep making it a topic.
Yes, I know the way that I communicate needs work. I know I frustrate posters & myself. I know it comes off as knee jerk, but sometimes that is my answer regardless...especially when I am trying to defend what I know as the truth. I know it comes across as not paying attention at times... so, I will work on this. I guess I believed it was best to answer things right away.
Scared might not be the right response... more like lonely... lonesome for my family life. Missing being part of a unit. Missing being a wifey/gf who cares for the household. Everything is so different for me still. I miss being THAT person. Yes, I am liking the person I am becoming... she is more AWARE of lots of things that need work. I am learning to love myself and respect myself...first.
Project: Taking the blue print image from my dad's project (guitar building) and turning it into 4 pieces of framed artwork.
House hunting: not officially looking as yet. Market is extremely high these days. Not enough houses on market. Besides, my financial situation is not firmed up yet..so don't really know my full position, for real.
Business venture: The possibility of purchasing one of our rental locations is taking the forefront. This may happen by end of month. Because of this, it has put our personal financial situation on the back burner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday: was late getting to work & he was very annoyed with me as he was counting on me. I had phone issues, I apologized. The day was full of mishaps. He still made sure that we shared coffee time, although we discussed the business venture of above. Then clients arrived. After clients, I asked if he had plans for the evening. He said that he was sore & tired and wanted to work at home, have beer and movie. Knowingly, I still asked if he would like to come over & have dinner/drinks & relax at my place. He squirmed with no thanks. I was trying to be casual & that we didn't need to go out.. just be together (didn't say that). Maybe even share some special wine I had. His response turned to maybe & that he would talk to me later. So, I left. Just before 9pm he texted: Hi.. just having left overs and beer..and tired.. assume you made other plans.. I replied 20 mins later: Hi.. catching up with DD (just arrived home), Having a glass of wine. He then texted back a work situation regarding the business venture, made a joke about it & then I sent a smiley back.
He's clearly not ready... or was he just tired like he said he was? or both?
The old magic would have insisted & texted to push and pursue with pressure. The old magic would have not accepted his response and make it known. She would have been hurt & felt rejected, cry even...... I still had the "feelings" but I responded different. My actions were different. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I still do.
A friend of mine says: I am talking self doubt. That she sees he is moving in the right direction. He just needs his space and his time on his schedule. That he was being truthful. She feels I held my self value, because I took the chance to invite, but did not get pushy and then when he declined, I showed I was occupied with my DD. And now, I have the choice as well to say "no thanks" to things..... a few weeks ago, I asked him if he wanted me to ask him out too, etc. He said yes, but that he may say no at times... guess this was one of those times. She says I have demonstrated that yes, I am interested and want time together, but I am not desperate and pushing or expecting.. its attractive. I am showing that I am easy going and self valued. She feels that he wants to feel ok with declining my invite. He was tired but still wanted to communicate. He has been up front with me about lots of things, he said he was tired... I have no reason to think any different. I do know that he was tired. I have to trust that. That he may even want my approval that staying in alone was OK with me. Maybe him saying "maybe" was to possibly keep the option open, not wanting to say no to me thinking that I may start to retract. He did have my time/company earlier today so he was comfortable, not feeling the need to be out on a Saturday night.
She thinks he has integrity. For me to remember that we are not committed to Saturday night dates yet. Give him the space he needs and he will appreciate me. The old me would push, thinking/insisting I knew what was best for him. Show him differently.
For me to acknowledge that he is still in internal turmoil. To keep building self value. She doesn't see him as a manipulator. He is thinking he needs to do something. Taking things day by day. Still can't push or pull him. He has to realize things on his own. He isn't intentionally prolonging it. He is afraid to lose me, and afraid to hold on. Not trying to hurt me. Reassuring himself that he can do this longer. That he does not have to do anything yet. That he has cold feet. Afraid of being boxed in again. Overwhelmed with an aging mom, dads recent separation, his house situation, an aging house & a lot of property to maintain. A business to run and the above business venture. He has nowhere to run & be free. That he will take all of this on his shoulders. When stressed he will get miserable and direct at me... not personal.
I have to accept that this is all he has to offer right now.
Its very hard to accept and not take personally & want to help fix. I know I cannot do that for him. I do.
I can't understand how he can be so close, yet still so far away. Wondering if he will ever find his way back.
I thought I could lead, just a little...which is why I risked asking him to hang out last night. Am I a fool? or was he really just tired & time will tell more?
Meanwhile, I guess I continue to focus on me, detaching, learning and growing about myself more. Really digging in deep to find more self value, and learning what my barriers/standards are.
I don't want to use the tactics like PH did... admitting that it worked. Extremely well. I can see exactly how that stuff worked (but I don't want to have to do that... do i?)... I want to see it come from him, from his desires.. not because I tricked him, etc.
Again, I need to let more go. Drop the rope. Let God lead. Trust the process.
I'd rather trust God & the universe than to control the outcome.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Your project sounds interesting and I'm sure it will be beautiful when you've completed it.
You've had a lot to think about over the weekend. So, what's on your agenda for this week?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I felt obligated and pressured. Sometimes its just easier to do as asked than to keep making it a topic.
Do you know that some people can receive advice/opinions without feeling an obligation or pressure about it? When I read a book about codependency that was one of the features of it that I read about. Do you wish you could have heard those outside opinions without feeling obligated and pressured?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes, it would have been nice... but, I was in a vulnerable position during that period and felt that I would be reprimanded further when trying to defend myself. I had a doc appointment lined up anyway, so... gave in.
I realize that I am co-dependent. Started re-reading co-dependency no more again last night.
Hi Job, this weeks agenda:
Stay on top of my glute & ab excercises Invite a friend over for drinks tonight ~ sit outside, so nice Dig into my business taxes Spend time with DD Review house listings every couple days Get my finances finalized with xbf find ways to Embrace singleness Tuesday night is womens meeting
Putting on my confidence/self-worth again today!! I am worth so much more. I am worth someone who is prepared to love me back.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm glad to see you have a list. It's good to have friends come over and also spend time w/your DD. What are the topics for your meeting Tuesday night?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
good morning.... Hi Job, not sure what tonights topic is. Regardless, I am anxious to go and get educated/filled up.
~~~~~~~ Journalling:
I'm irritable. I can't seem to let go of his decline from Saturday night. Not sure if it was because of me or that he was really that tired.... or both.
Yesterday, during "coffee time", I accepted his social time for about 5 minutes, then took coffee and went outside to view our inventory. I didn't want to sit with him any longer, as it does hold me back... didn't want to linger. So, he decided to leave to go switch a vehicle, back in 5. He was gone for over an hour... it made me mad/worried. I tried calling him, he ignored my call. Apparently, he took a call from his uncle (a real estate agent) to get his opinions on the business venture and didn't want to be interrupted. We moved our vehicles around, together. Then said he was done for the day as he had things to do... and left. He had asked me to check on something and let him know. So, in the evening I texted him info... he ignored for 2 hours!! These were business issues... again, making me mad.
I asked him this morning, apparently he was just puttering around outside... but, that doesn't excuse the fact that he ignored me for 2hours, about business. He said that I do that to him. I do not.. not for 2h and not when business related.
I have let it go.
I am really bothered... getting annoyed by his "i dunno" position... How can he still not know?? He KNOWS, he's just dragging this out longer... cuz he can!
Been thinking about dating sites. If I chose to go on one, it would be a paid site. I would interview & go through a string of dates to see whats out there, but without an agenda. Just to view. Im not ready to date... but so lonely and want to care for someone again.
I am worth more than this CRAP !!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Why can't you let the incident go from Saturday night and just accept the fact that maybe, just maybe he was tired? Why do you tend to take everything he says personally?
Have you ever considered that he's mirroring your actions? Maybe he's trying to let you know in a passive-aggressive way that he doesn't like the fact you don't always respond back to him. Have you considered that this latest incident could be his way of seeing if you are truly playing games or are sincere when you don't respond to his calls.
So, you are frustrated today w/his "I dunno" position. Why today? He's been at this for quite some time and something had to have happened to trigger your frustration today.
What/how are you going to get through today w/o taking your frustration out on your business partner? What's on your agenda for today?
Magic, you have to heal/help yourself before you bring someone else into the mix. You need to learn to love and respect yourself before others will love/respect you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So your mood/life is dictated by the response you get from your eXBF?
The dating site things almost sounded like a tantrum. Like, "If he won't play with me, then I will go play with someone else."
What would the woman you WANT to be do in this situation? Would she focus on HIM or on HERSELF and the all the stuff you need to do/work on to be a person ready for a GREAT relationship down the road?
I need to take my own advice today.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
