work is good; H is crazy

[Whiterose]

Hi guys,
I'm checking in again (and journaling).....lost my footing a bit yesterday so figured I should chat a bit.

Have passed the BD and move out 1 year mark and my birthday (on the 29th) was the first "second time" so we start the cycle again.

No contact from H's L since Monte Carlo (mid March) so not sure if we're waiting for me to make a move or him.....? I'm just not going to do anything and save money. If he needs something from me he can ask his L to ask my L.

Had to do my taxes and realized I never received the mortgage interest statement so I had to ask H for it. At first he didn't remember seeing it and then he did and was angry that I was going to use the interest on the mortgage he had paid for my tax wright off (I can write off the interest as I run a home based business) in the same text he said he would look for it and fax it when he found it. I didn't respond to the anger and said "Please forward the fax to ......" which was my acct's number. Waited a week and messaged him again asking if he'd found it and he said no. I asked if he thought it was lost or just had misplaced it and he said he would look again to which I thanked him. I asked my acct to do a quick calculation based off of last year's interest as I honestly did not believe I'd see it. Few days later I got a text saying he'd found it and if it was ok to fax it the next day. I said it was great, resent the number, and thanked him. Next day (friday before my birthday) I got a text saying he'd sent it. I confirmed with my acct then responded with a thank you and to have a good weekend (which Id done plenty of times before with no response) but he thanked me and said he hoped I had some fun things planned for my birthday that weekend. I was shocked......I, quite honestly, didn't even know how to respond to something so "human". I said thanks and that I had some fun things planned and wished him a good weekend again.

On my birthday he sent me a happy birthday message and also asked if I knew anything about S14's hospital visit time (he had to go in for a colonoscopy) H was going to come and then got the new job and didn't think he'd be able to and then he said he could. I didn't know. messaged me again and I called the hospital and they call up to 5pm for the next days schedule and, of course, they called me at 4:40 lol so I messaged the times and place we needed to be. H then called the house, around 6, looking for S14 to which I said he was not home (he had been at my parent's house doing his scope prep) and I had a friend here who was quite loud as I was going out for my birthday and had to shush her to talk to H LOL got a message about an hour or two later asking if I could get S14 to call H as he wasn't answering the phone....I responded with "he should be home by now" and that was it.

Next day H and I spent pretty much the entire day together.....it was hard, and nerve racking. We'd not spent any time together (without a L) since last march (2013) At first he tried ignoring me (I had nothing to do with it) and said "HI How are you?" and he responded. while waiting at check in he said to S14 he needed a hair cut (he took S for this weakend) and that he had a great barber by his house and he'd take him for a cut. I was utterly shocked again....he hasn't made any mention of "dad" stuff since before he left and he was always the one to take the boys. I just said "yeah, I've been telling him for a while he needs a cut...that it was great he would take him" when we got into the room he wouldn't sit beside me but the room was small so it's not like we could ignore each other. We chatted. There was some laughs. H asked about my bday and I went to answer but S14 started talking about his to which H responded I was asking your mom as your birthday is not for a couple more weeks....I changed the topic to talk about S14's birthday plans. S14 had to leave to get weighed and I had brought up the fact I need H's address (I had said it earlier in a text and he didn't like that I wanted it) but I made it clear I need to know where my children sleep....it's not an option. He said I don't know minute by minute what you guys are doing and I said "I don't need an itinerary of events but you know where your children reside and with a one word name you know exactly on the map where your children are....I'm their mother and need to know where they sleep. I believe that my past actions can attest to the fact I won't be all crazy and show up at your door or somehow stalk you....it is a purely a safety thing" S14 walked back in and the conversation ended. No yelling, no arguing but we each made our points. Got into the common waiting area where we hung out together. No cell reception so H would come and go to be able to use his phone and I was able to get the wifi and he asked "do you get wifi" "yes, I have an iPhone" we all laughed it's always been an iPhone vs samsung phone thing as the boys have samsung as well. I went into the operating room with S14 until he fell asleep so I had to ask H to hold my purse, to which he agreed readily, and he even helped me get on my hair net as I couldn't hold my hair up and get the net over. I came out crying, praying S14 didn't have crohn's like me, and H kinda said "he'll be fine" but that was the extent of it. I got myself together and was going to get a coffee and offered him one. He said no but that he had gotten one from the shop in the lobby and it wasn't good. I still got one from there as I didn't want to be away too long. Got S14 a gift from the gift shop and a cookie and a scone. H and I sat next to each other (I figured he'd be across the room or run into the hall or something) he got up to get water but came back and sat next to me again. we chatted, he asked about my niece and nephew, to which I said Oh B is getting big and H turned his head and got sad and said "It's been so long since I saw S14 (2 months) he's so big) I said yes the grow so fast and told a story about son's school pants being too small after christmas break he had grown so much. He willingly told me about his new job and his reasons, his boss, that he hoped it was a good move but you don't know for months, etc....I validated and just let him talk. Brought up the address again but again no argument just that it was not an option and again promised I would not just show. we talked about some news on the tv just regular stuff like we used to. It was very tentative but it was a small step. We met S14 (he's ok thank God) in recovery and as the nurse was giving us the meal plan for the night H mentioned I could go to booster juice and get him a smoothy and I laughed saying well dad can cause mom is not driving over the bridge. He said I guess you get a shake. He helped me get S14 into the van and I thanked him and he didn't say much. On the way home S14 fell asleep and I took a cute pic of him and sent it to H with a "thought you'd get a laugh" not much response. My sister, BIL and niece and nephew came by with some dairy queen and I was chatting with them about the days events and how surreal it was and got a message from H asking if S14 was awake. Said yes that the "W's" brought DQ and he said oh I guess he doesn't want a shake and I said I'm sure he'd love one THEN HERE IT IS "would you like a frosty too?" HOLY $HIT I was like immmmm, sure, haven't had one in forever. He said he'd bring it around 8:30 but couldn't stay. I said "you're going to bring it in?" as we all remember he does not enter the property LOL he said yes. And he turned off the engine to the truck walked up the steps rang the door bell WOW The dog was uber excited to see him and he said Nick really needs a cut to which I agreed but that I didn't have time and maybe he could do it the same time he took S14 laughed. I invited him in but he "had a long drive" clue one he had moved again (fifth time in a year here people) I said no problem and thanked him. Next day he messaged me saying he'd be sending the address after work but he wouldn't get home until after 10 and as he'd just moved couldn't remember his new address. I thank him. Next day still nothing and this was friday (the day he was picking him up) so I messaged asking if S needed to pack anything specific and that I had not yet received the address. He responded that he hadn't sent it and then sent it a few minutes later. I thanked him and then said I had one more question "are you living with anyone?" we had a bit of a conversation (he was obviously not impressed) about how I knew very little about his life and that if he lives alone then whatever but if there is someone else there I need to know who he is coming into contact with. He then said I was opening the door to him asking me about everything I was doing and meeting and I said I would never introduce the boys to anyone without giving him a head's up. I apologized said "I know this [censored] and I don't mean to pry and haven't asked up until now but now S14 is going somewhere I don't know and I needed to ask" He lives alone he said and that he hopes he can expect the same honesty when he asks. I said yes and that I understood I thanked him for his understanding and his honesty.

that night I got a pic of S14's new hair cut and I responded "Our handsome boy. Thank you for taking him" nothing in response.

Then came yesterday, so confession time, I set up a POF account a while back....been on two dates but nothing much has come of it and my heart is not really in it.....anyway I opened the acct, hadn't in a few days, and who is there but H as my #1 ultra match staring back at me. I went into a tail spin (crazy I know) and his profile is quite short with a very "I'm on honest hard working guy looking for friends blah blah blah" spent most of the day crying and then got mad at myself for crying so was in a bit of a spin. Was going to send a cute note and then talked it out with some friends and decided that would just be stupid so did not. Went out last night, for my bday, and got a text from H about S14 being dropped off today. I asked about the soccer game, they didn't go as S didn't want to, but they watched the documentary I recommended to H at the hospital (S14 is a brony, a male that watches My Little Pony.....it's a lot for a dad to wrap his head around I get it and we had a convo about it at the hospital and I suggested the documentary which helped me) I asked what he thought "still not sold but whatever" "LOL I can understand that. It's a lot to take in ....." no response I didn't bring up the POF acct.

Anyway, thanks to some friends who asked the hard questions, I realized yesterday I hadn't dropped the rope as much as I thought I had. That I still love him and I still have a long road.....so back to basics......