Game Over for Accuray, it's been a good ride

[Accuray]

Well folks, it feels like I've been here forever! I initially caught my wife cheating on me in 2011 and at that point was successfully able to avoid divorce and get my marriage back together. At the time I considered it a success, but in retrospect, we never got to "good piecing" because my wife was never willing to do the work, she was willing to return to the marriage, but not to dig deep and work with me to create something better.

People here and other places have repeatedly warned me that what I had was not sustainable without W being willing to look at her own role in things, but I was more interested in keeping my family together than in issuing ultimatums. The person who cares least controls the relationship, and I simply cared more.

I did the best job I could to be a husband that only a fool would leave. I gave until I had nothing more to give, and then I gave some more for the sake of my kids. When I look back, I have no regrets, only pride in the fact that I was able to give my kids three more years of an intact and functional family.

Unfortunately, despite a reasonably good last three years of marriage, I have once again caught my wife cheating with a new co-worker. This time my line has been crossed. Despite all the discussions and agreements we had, she was not willing to work with me before straying and is convinced that her repeated desires to stray are due to the fact that she cannot connect with me in the way that she needs to.

Maybe she's right, I'm certain that's her reality and it is equally as valid as my own. For my part, my needs were not being met but I was willing to cope and make the best of it, it was a marriage I could live with. That said, I have to think there is more to life than coping.

One book that I found extremely helpful lately was "Getting the Love You Want" -- it was recommended by my new IC. It does an excellent job of describing the inevitable friction and power struggle in a long term marriage and what you can do to push through it, but also says that 95% of couples cannot and either quit or just settle for being unhappy. It's well worth a read!

This time around is much different, there is no anger on W's part, there are no accusations, no WAS spew. Only mutual sadness. She has agreed to put her affair on hold for six months while we work through a divorce. So far, it is as amicable as one could hope for. She will be moving out and I will stay in the house with my three kids.

Back in 2011, my world was shattered with the first discovery of infidelity. I felt like I was drowning, clawing for air, and could not survive without getting my wife back. I was convinced I would never be whole or happy again, and the pain was more than I could bear.

This time, there is sadness, I'm having the usual problems eating and sleeping, but there is also acceptance, and knowledge that I will weather the storm and come out stronger for it. In some ways, my wife did me a favor by ending the charade and agreeing to move out. There are a lot of things I'm grateful for.

My focus going forward will be my three kids, first and foremost, maintaining a great co-parenting relationship with my wife, and finally continuing on my own journey of discovery and improvement. The next Mrs. Accuray will be a lucky woman indeed. I'm just so sad it had to end up like this. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there is simply nothing you can do. For it to work, you both have to want it, and one person trying to be married for two simply can't last.

Thanks all for your continued support and friendship

Acc