Well folks, it feels like I've been here forever! I initially caught my wife cheating on me in 2011 and at that point was successfully able to avoid divorce and get my marriage back together. At the time I considered it a success, but in retrospect, we never got to "good piecing" because my wife was never willing to do the work, she was willing to return to the marriage, but not to dig deep and work with me to create something better.
People here and other places have repeatedly warned me that what I had was not sustainable without W being willing to look at her own role in things, but I was more interested in keeping my family together than in issuing ultimatums. The person who cares least controls the relationship, and I simply cared more.
I did the best job I could to be a husband that only a fool would leave. I gave until I had nothing more to give, and then I gave some more for the sake of my kids. When I look back, I have no regrets, only pride in the fact that I was able to give my kids three more years of an intact and functional family.
Unfortunately, despite a reasonably good last three years of marriage, I have once again caught my wife cheating with a new co-worker. This time my line has been crossed. Despite all the discussions and agreements we had, she was not willing to work with me before straying and is convinced that her repeated desires to stray are due to the fact that she cannot connect with me in the way that she needs to.
Maybe she's right, I'm certain that's her reality and it is equally as valid as my own. For my part, my needs were not being met but I was willing to cope and make the best of it, it was a marriage I could live with. That said, I have to think there is more to life than coping.
One book that I found extremely helpful lately was "Getting the Love You Want" -- it was recommended by my new IC. It does an excellent job of describing the inevitable friction and power struggle in a long term marriage and what you can do to push through it, but also says that 95% of couples cannot and either quit or just settle for being unhappy. It's well worth a read!
This time around is much different, there is no anger on W's part, there are no accusations, no WAS spew. Only mutual sadness. She has agreed to put her affair on hold for six months while we work through a divorce. So far, it is as amicable as one could hope for. She will be moving out and I will stay in the house with my three kids.
Back in 2011, my world was shattered with the first discovery of infidelity. I felt like I was drowning, clawing for air, and could not survive without getting my wife back. I was convinced I would never be whole or happy again, and the pain was more than I could bear.
This time, there is sadness, I'm having the usual problems eating and sleeping, but there is also acceptance, and knowledge that I will weather the storm and come out stronger for it. In some ways, my wife did me a favor by ending the charade and agreeing to move out. There are a lot of things I'm grateful for.
My focus going forward will be my three kids, first and foremost, maintaining a great co-parenting relationship with my wife, and finally continuing on my own journey of discovery and improvement. The next Mrs. Accuray will be a lucky woman indeed. I'm just so sad it had to end up like this. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there is simply nothing you can do. For it to work, you both have to want it, and one person trying to be married for two simply can't last.
Thanks all for your continued support and friendship
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm really sorry to hear that Acc, but you're attitude is really amazing. You have done the work, and you get to keep that, regardless of your W's choices.
If you are like me, the fact that you give it you're all, and then some, will bring you peace down the road. I have no regrets, because I know I did everything in my power. I think you'll feel the same.
Thank you so much Breakdown and Sandi. I considered myself a DB success story and did not think it would come to this -- but such is life. I accept it for what it is and look forward to the next chapter.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
trying to get there myself accuracy. Thank you for your perspective, my d too is starting... know there will be good for me, but presently the pain is tremendous
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Thank you so much Breakdown and Sandi. I considered myself a DB success story and did not think it would come to this -- but such is life. I accept it for what it is and look forward to the next chapter.
Acc, you ARE a DB success story in the way YOU survived. Even in the last chapter of the book it speaks to things possibly ending in D. Your journey helped you to NOT be one of "those divorces".
I feel that your landing will be softer because of all that you have done. And I agree, your next partner will be very lucky indeed. As will you! you know what you want now (or at least what you don't want...). that's huge. I admire you.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
"Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there is simply nothing you can do. For it to work, you both have to want it, and one person trying to be married for two simply can't last."
^^^what u said here truly hits home to me. I feel the same way in my sitch and after a while you do start thinking that life is more than just coping.
Take care acc and those kids!
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
"but in retrospect, we never got to "good piecing" because my wife was never willing to do the work, she was willing to return to the marriage, but not to dig deep and work with me to create something better."
I feel for you, Acc. This is an extremely difficult yet crucial fact to accept. I am at least thankful that she is willing to move out and that the kids will have you to help them through this.
"This time, there is sadness, I'm having the usual problems eating and sleeping, but there is also acceptance, and knowledge that I will weather the storm and come out stronger for it."
Amen. You're definitely strong enough to accept the feelings for what they are and not run from them. That, in the long run, may be one of the best examples you can share with your kids. =@@=
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
