I was thinking, Sandi (and others) - I don't necessarily think I am exceedingly sensitive per se. I don't know - maybe I am not the best judge (probably not!). I think this ordeal has just kind of opened me up a lot more than I was before it all happened. I have realized that I am more likely to try to emotionally support and listen to my friends before - and I understand their sadness and struggles a bit more that I ever would have before. To put it concisely, I think I have started listening more than talking and empathizing more than advising (though I do advise if asked). That's pretty new. I guess if that makes me more sensitive, so be it I suppose. I am always a sap about my son - but I'm not a blubbering mess.
So I had a little insight into by background yesterday - figured I would just journal it because it has been churning in my head about how it relates to me and my life. My parents came by yesterday morning while they were out running errands. They came in cheerful and played with S for awhile and then went to grab all of us a bite to eat and bring it back to the house...S and I stayed in and waited. No less than 15 minutes later my mom busts through the door while S and I are playing with trucks on the floor and shouts "That man is a f*cking IDIOT!" and throws a breakfast sandwich on the table. I said "Hey!!" - clearly referencing the language around my son. She says "Don't you start with me either!!". And then proceeds to slam herself down onto the couch and brood - silently. S says "tell her 'idiot' is a bad word, daddy". I let that one go. She relocated to the front porch and eventually my dad came in. He went out on the porch and gave her a breakfast sandwich in a bag and she threw it onto the ground. He came back inside. I guess they had a dust-up about the ATM machine not working properly and that was it. To cut to the chase I tried to explain to my dad that he needs to be aware of his tone and body language because he is a tall, loud-voiced guy like me. He gets it, but says "this is the way I have been my whole life". I told him that I understood but sometimes you have to be more aware of yourself and kind of change a bit.
Why is this relevant? Two reasons.
1.) THAT is the argument dynamic I grew up around and took as "normal". I didn't unroll all of it ti XW, but it DID influence how I approached conflict. And, frankly, it s*cked.
2.) More importantly, my dad always had a "this is how I am and I don't have to change - take me as I am attitude" for as long as I can remember. The notion of CHANGING for the betterment of a relationship or your partner never existed - and it was never, EVER passed along to me. I literally thought that how I was was just that...."me". And if someone had a problem with it, they just had to accept it and recognize that I was still a GOOD person. So can anyone see how that might have been sorta bad in my relationship? Let me refer to my quote during the argument that came the day before BD: "If I am making your life WORSE instead of better then LEAVE!" -- That was 100%, without a doubt my dad in me talking. And I regret ever saying it.
Live and learn. Never again.
To end on a positive note, I went to dinner with a bunch of old friends and S to an awesome restaurant. We were there until 10:30 - we were tired, but worth it. Two of the friends (a husband and wife) were close with me and X - they are still baffled and we had a brief talk about how things are today. They are supportive.
This morning I asked S what he wanted to do today. His response? "I don't know. You're the one with the brain." - true story. At least he thinks highly of me.
Still staying dark. Had a brief urge to text, but it was quickly extinguished.
