She left - 4

[gogofo]

You're both being cagey with communication and if you're going to "date" you might want to think about that going forward. You're moving from LBS to piecing couple (maybe) and that requires more openness. Are you ready for that?

I am absolutely ready for that. We never completely or properly expressed our feelings to each other before, but have been doing so a little when we would talk not. I told her it will require work, from both of us, to make this better. I told her that I want to learn how to show and display my love to her in a way that she will recognize and understand my feelings.

Cagey is correct. We are both playing our emotions and feelings close to the chest, her way more than I. When we talk I can see her physically holding in her emotions. At times when I make her laugh her guard comes down and her face lights up and the tension leaves her body.

I take her saying she is "try" as her starting to open up her heart and emotions again instead of having me shut out. We both talked about taking this slow, not rushing into it.

Perhaps before you go on a date, read up on the latest news or some joke. Make it more interesting instead of just you and the kids.

My plan is to take this as a serious first date and reintroduce ourselves to each other. She even said that we have been estranged the last 4 months and I agree. This will be a reintroduction to each other and see how we have grown. I don't even want to talk about our kids. We know each other and our kids, we need to strengthen the bond between us as people other than parents. That is a part of what is missing for us.

[labug]

I don't know if you've read my recent threads but for me, it's been helpful to put the R first and keep my ego in check. Being able to do a quick gut check on motives relative to values and ego can save you from many troubles.

Boundaries are important.

It's a job but it becomes easier over time.

[SemperFi00]

In the past I would probably relied on my W to decide what to do or at least dictate the evening. My thoughts and feelings on this in the past was that if I didn't have a strong conviction or opinion about what we should do, then I would agree to whatever others wanted to do.

I took this as being gracious and me taking other's opinions into account. Now I see how my actions could show that of not caring and relying on others to plan things and me talking others for granted.

gogofo, stumps, & labug, ^^^^ really resonated with me in reading thru your scenario.

Can you elaborate a bit further? Although my W did not specifically mention this as an issue I definitely did rely on her to manage the family and our "social calendar" and the household.

Much like what you state I thought I was being considerate of what she/others were interested in doing. Maybe my W had some of the same feelings about me not caring or being taken for granted??

[gogofo]

From what I understand my W felt that I did not even love her enough to take the time to plan an evening or weekend or trip for the two of us. My actions caused her to feel like she was unimportant and now that we are married I do not have to try anymore.

She eventually stopped planning things for us to do and not only did I not take up the slack and plan something, I failed to notice that we stopped doing things all together. This really made her feel invaluable and unloved.

For her me taking the initiative to plan something for us shows her that I care about her and think about her and love her. It's all about the action.

[SemperFi00]

From what I understand my W felt that I did not even love her enough to take the time to plan an evening or weekend or trip for the two of us. My actions caused her to feel like she was unimportant and now that we are married I do not have to try anymore.

She eventually stopped planning things for us to do and not only did I not take up the slack and plan something, I failed to notice that we stopped doing things all together. This really made her feel invaluable and unloved.

For her me taking the initiative to plan something for us shows her that I care about her and think about her and love her. It's all about the action.

Thanks for the additional insight - more to think about I guess.

In my scenario, often times when I did plan things W would "tweak" the arrangements so I suppose eventually it became easier to just let her do it.

It never bothered me that she changed things - quite honestly she was better at it that I was/am anyway. Maybe she came to resent it though on some level - even if it was never really spoken or talked about.....

How does one attempt a 180 on this type of thing given the current state of things??

[gogofo]

I see that you have three sons, start making plans and doing things with them. Always have something to do, and they don't have to be big and extraordinary, just well thought out plans.

Keep doing it and planning ahead. Once you get some momentum you may invite your wife, but don't make the plans about her and make sure her answer about going or not does not change your plans.

[stumps]

From what I understand my W felt that I did not even love her enough to take the time to plan an evening or weekend or trip for the two of us. My actions caused her to feel like she was unimportant and now that we are married I do not have to try anymore.

She eventually stopped planning things for us to do and not only did I not take up the slack and plan something, I failed to notice that we stopped doing things all together. This really made her feel invaluable and unloved.

For her me taking the initiative to plan something for us shows her that I care about her and think about her and love her. It's all about the action.

I could have written these exact same words myself.

A huge 180 for me (that I started tentatively and only continued when I got positive responses from W) has been to plan things and invite my W to do them with me. Anything from going to a show or out to dinner, or even just leaving the kids at home so just the two of us can take a walk together.

[stumps]

I see that you have three sons, start making plans and doing things with them. Always have something to do, and they don't have to be big and extraordinary, just well thought out plans.

Keep doing it and planning ahead. Once you get some momentum you may invite your wife, but don't make the plans about her and make sure her answer about going or not does not change your plans.

Can't agree with this enough.

[labug]

So how did the date go?

[SemperFi00]

I see that you have three sons, start making plans and doing things with them. Always have something to do, and they don't have to be big and extraordinary, just well thought out plans.

Keep doing it and planning ahead. Once you get some momentum you may invite your wife, but don't make the plans about her and make sure her answer about going or not does not change your plans.

Can't agree with this enough.

Thanks Stumps and gogofo. ^^^^ is certainly what I am trying to stay focused on. There are times where I really miss having someone (my W) to share a life with though - also sure that this sentiment is shared by many here.