One year in but a newbie

[Lifes Twists]

I have been dealing with a lot of issues this week. I woke up several time last night and composed the following letter to my father in law. I will have it reviewed by a lawyer before I send it:

Hello Ed,

I wish to discuss a few things with you.

I have lived closely with your daughter’s depression for 19 years on a day to day basis. Longer than you or any member of your family have. I have held her and comforted her during her darkest periods. I have watched and agonized while this disease has eaten away at her. Watched as this disease has taken her away from me and from her children. I have watched her abuse substances and tried to get her to stop and to get the help she needed. I realized through a lot of reading about this disease that Judy had treatment resistant depression and tried to convince her that she needed to see more than her GP for treatment. I was unsuccessful in my efforts and overwhelmed.

When I married Judy 20 years ago this month I took my vows very seriously. When I said,” to serve and protect, in sickness and in health till death do us part,” I took this to heart and lived it for these many years. I have watched Judy struggle. I have lived Judy’s struggles. At times I was overwhelmed with Judy’s struggles.

When your family came last year and moved Judy out to the apartment they set Judy up for failure. She was not equipped to handle the kids alone. The kids have acted as normal teenagers will. Judy was not able to deal with this. Your family aided in taking away any support system Judy had because of their ignorance and lack of understanding just how far the disease had progressed. After everyone left Judy started to reach out to me whenever it became a crisis for her. This was increasing as often as every couple weeks in the last 5 months. I never hesitated to help, listen and comfort her to help alleviate the pain.

What I have found out since the incident that has put Judy in the hospital is that she has been isolating herself from close, long time friends and even family. This is a classic symptom of severe depression. I have found out that even childhood friends have not heard from her in months even when they have reached out and tried to contact her. They have only received silence from Judy.

The girls were getting angry that they had not heard from any of Judy’s sisters or brother. I reached out to Joan and found out that Judy had not shared the girl’s numbers to anyone. I asked, I believe much to Joan’s surprise, that the numbers be shared with all members of your family. I encouraged her to encourage everyone to communicate with the girls and offer their support.

Ed, as long as I have known Judy, she has not had one kind thing to say about you. If I take her completely at her word your actions towards your children would have been considered abusive. As I got to know you, as well as learn about Judy’s disease, I came to know that those views were clouded. That they were distorted by her disease and exaggerated in magnitude.

I don’t know why you never really had any relationship with Judy’s and my daughters. I suspect that was Judy’s choice. Maybe she felt she had to protect them from you. I never understood why you did not reach out and try to establish any level of relationship with them. I do you hope you may try now. I will encourage the girls to give you an opportunity if you chose. That will be up to you.

Ed, based on our conversations after the incident I have the following requests:

1. The girls have moved back to the home they have known all their life. Right now the girls need some stability. They have not had any stability for the last year and they now need it in order to be healthy and happy.

2. I will encourage the girls to communicate and have interactions with members of your family. I ask that your family does not try to interfere or cause issues. Be a support system for the girls.

3. There is nothing in the courts regarding the divorce at this time. Judy must have requested that anything be removed regarding any action early in April 2014 as there is a record of final removal in the court records for April 17, 2014. I will not discuss anything about a divorce until I am approached by her psychiatric team concerning it and assured that it is their advice for it to be completed at this time for Judy’s well being. Until then or Judy’s own recovery and request for continuation, I will not entertain any discussion on this matter.

4. I encouraged the girls to discuss where they feel their mother should go if she needs long term supervision after she is released. They feel that it would not be good for her to move in with you and Barbara in Florida. They feel that with their mother’s feelings about you and with Barbara’s health issues that this would be detrimental to their mothers well being. They would like for their mother to go be with Joan. They feel that she is the most stable individual in the family and could provide a stabile environment for their mother to recover. I hope that you will honor their request in aiding in Judy’s full recovery.

I hope that you will honor and respect my requests and that we will all work together for the well being of Judy and her daughters.

Thank you,


My hopes are that it will head off any issues from her side of the family based on phone calls I have had with her father. I hope her family will spend their efforts on my wife's health and her daughters well being.