I think I belong here #3

[praying_in_GA]

And now I am going to post something that may be 100% wrong but it happened and it caused a turning point in my life this week. Please, I beg you to be gentle with any 2x4 or truth darts you may throw. Here is a journal entry I wrote....



Short story: He finally realized that I am lonely and sad....not angry and vindictive. He hugged me, I cried, he said he's sorry, he didn't realize what I was going through.

Things will be okay sooner than later.

Things were going south fast....again....I stopped and told him I have no one in my life that has just sat and held me while I cried. No one. Every one is so negative and angry and pushing me to get angry and hate him. I told him I have lost my best friend and I am alone in this right now.

He stopped and said "well [censored]." He came through the gate and sat down next to me. He held me while I sobbed into his chest. I cried and he held me harder. He told me he understands now. He was sorry he didn't get it but now he does and he is sorry.

We talked for a bit. We laughed. We hugged again. I told him I understand why he feels like he does. I am not trying to hold him here and force him to be with me. I am going to give him the divorce but I need some time and more softness. He said he was sorry and he appreciates my words. I told him how proud I am of him and that I still love him.

He said thank you and that he knows I am a good person and the perfect person for his kids. He said he is sorry for being so cold recently, he didn't know what I was going through.

He said he just wants to see what else is out there because he wasn't happy here....he was comfortable but not happy. He said he could stay if I wanted him to but he would just be going through the motions and that I deserved better.

You know, I get that. I always thought it would happen anyway. I hope he will be back one day. But if he's not then I hope we can have a friendship and a mutual love for one another that will carry us to the grave.

He said one day he would like to see where we go in this world. If we end up back here, he would like to try dating again.

I told him all I wanted was him to be a good father. To be here for his kids or to be involved when he wasn't 'here'. If he could just make them a priority then I would be happier.

We left off with us hugging and agreeing to keep this convo between us. We agreed to work with the lawyers to ensure everyone is taken care of in the correct ways. He agreed to be more compassionate and softer in his attitude towards me.

I told him I couldn't handle the negativity, distrust, paranoia, and borderline hate that surrounded my life anymore. I know everyone is trying to be helpful and to make me stronger but I cannot sit here in my black cloud of negativity any longer. Every person in my life has a story about a divorce gone bad. No one I know has had a positive divorce story. Everyone keeps telling me he is going to lie, cheat, leave, abandon, etc and I am scared.

It was all very comforting and very good for me. He said the same as well. We both know things will be difficult at times but we both have a positive divorce in mind. We both want to move forward with good motives and intentions. We are trying to form a 'friendship' that can work for now so that our kids and our psyche come out intact.

I finally feel a small space of peace in my life. I am still sad. I am still regretful of losing this...but I'm not angry and I'm not bitter. I understand his feelings and his reasons. I even agree with a fair portion of them.

I am still in love with him and I would still welcome another relationship with him. But not now. We both need this time to explore the world around us.

I cannot control this situation. I cannot save my marriage right now....but I can keep my best friend in my life. I am going to miss him so much but I know that this way he will always be with me in some form.

There is still pain but it's different. It's the kind of releasing pain. I think I am finally letting go of that rope.

This morning it was so bad. I was sobbing so hard my chest hurt. My face hurt my head was throbbing. Divorce papers were on my kitchen table and he was asking me what I was trying to accomplish but refusing to let this go. I hated my life so much this morning. I hated him and I hated to be *here*. My mind was dark....so dark. Images of what I could do. Hate. Anger. Pain.

It was so bad.

I just wanted him to SEE me. To SEE where I was. To SEE the woman he had spent 14 years with and what he was doing to her....and he refused.

That moment when he finally realized. When he said "Well [censored]" and walked into this living room. It was the most powerful moment of these last 2 1/2 months. He stopped seeing his enemy and saw me again and it changed.

He still has so very far to go in his journey. But I finally feel like I have taken the first step in mine.