Biggus Dickus: Part 2

[LoisB]

Heard Aerosmith's What it Takes in the car with D11. It was all I could do to stop from balling my eyes out. Remembered the Aerosmith concert tickets I surprised him with and...GAWD this hurts. Letting someone go really hurts, especially when it's not what you want.

Ya know I hope karma gets these guys for all those moments when we had to hold it together for the kids and they were free to feel Whatever. Jerks.

I just need to vent some. I'm hurt and sad and full of emotion tonight and D11 won't shut up. Ending this relationship with this man is so much harder than I thought it would be at this stage.

Still moving forward, but I'm acknowledging these feelings.

I love D11 sooooo much, but, when all this emotion comes up and she just talks and talks and talks and talks about everything and nothing until my brain feels like it's going to explode. She needs, sometimes, to make a remark about EVERYTHING. I'm venting here and trying to let it all go.

Last night, I dreamt my sister was in town and she ran into Smokey and OW at a restaurant together. Smokey was all dressed up in his teenage attire. They saw them again the next night at another restaurant. All I could think was, "How does he afford to go out night after night???" But, the feelings from the dream were deep hurt and pain from his relationship with this woman.

At one point, the neighbors yard had caught on fire and I called the firemen. (This is actually really telling. Our woods DID catch fire about 15 years ago. The woods caught fire because our neighbors had started a leaf fire on a really windy day during a drought. Anyway, I couldn't get a hold of Smokey because he was using at the time and he was "out and about." I had to call the firemen and handle the fire myself. It was really frustrating. Not so scary, but frustrating because there was an emergency and Smokey was MIA. Like he often was...

Back to the dream...Smokey showed up with two vehicles he had recently purchased (subconscious working on the $24,000). He was trying to pursue me and didn't want to let me go completely and there were two other men there I was dating and some family friends.

I was trying to ignore Smokey and force myself to NOT WANT him there. I knew he was bad for me and bad for the situation and I knew he was with OW and just meant lots of pain...I was trying to force myself to push him away and push away the hurt. I felt so low and down. I had been spending my days in bed.

Part of me wanted him to stay, but stay and help, not just stay and hurt us. I took a hose and put the fire out so our house wasn't threatened. I did it without anyone's help. The fireman came and the threat was averted, without Smokey's help.

Then, my mom was at the hairdressers and she said I had embarrassed myself again by texting Smokey. She said the hair salon was all talking about me and Smokey.

At the end of the dream, I was buying myself a nice outfit and getting my hair done. It felt nice. I was setting the hairdresser straight about what had really happened with Smokey. And, I felt better because everyone knew the truth from me. Then, I was honest at the store where I bought the clothes, I told the shop ladies that I was tired and in pain from my marriage. The shop ladies were nice and helped me find a great outfit so I felt better.

Then!! I went on vacation. I felt like I was taking care of myself in the dream and relaxing. I guess that's a good sign. But, there was lots of pain before I reached the point of vacation and new clothes and new hair...At least the dreams are ending on a good note :-)

There goes my old girlfriend, there's another diamond ring
And, uh, all those late night promises I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story? Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away.
I used to feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

[Chorus:]
Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was
good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go.

Yeah
Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E. Fine
but your love made me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money, then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes

[Chorus]
Guitar!

Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me

[Chorus]

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was
good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No no no no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise
Ooo Let go, let go, let go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go,
let it go, let it go, let it go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
I don't wanna burn, I don't wanna burn