Decided to try to gauge where W is and texted her a couple of days ago to ask if she wanted to grab a bite to eat somewhere for dinner. She said sure so went out after she got off work. Ended up having a very nice time and ran into a couple of very old friends of mine so we lingered for a while and hung out with them.
When we went to bed that night, W got out a small journal and said she wanted to share with me some things she had written... clearly sharing something that she doesn't let anybody else know about. Clearly sharing part of herself. I don't know what the significance is...I won't speculate...but it was definitely meaningful to her, as it was to me.
Last night I went over to the neighbors' (both 180 and GAL for me) and hung out with them after helping them get a nice fire going in their fire pit. W was just getting home from work when I got home, and when I told her where I'd been it clearly had an effect on her. She said she was glad I had a good time with the neighbors and that she was really happy seeing everyone enjoying my company and me being "the old stumps" but that it also made her really angry. Angry because I was being the person she always wanted me to be and doing all the things she always wanted me to do, but it was all happening only now when it was "too late". "Too late" because now she had negative feelings about the marriage that would never go away. She said she found it all confusing, being both angry at and happy for me, and that she loved me and always would, and didn't want to think about it anymore for the time being and just wanted to enjoy the rest of the evening with me. So we lounged on the couch for a while and held hands (sounds kind of cheesy but we used to hold hands all the time, but this was the first time she's held my hand since the bomb drop), and when we went to bed that night W wrapped her arm around me and slept that way for most of the night.
So...my take-away...
W still says she's done, so that's what I have to assume. She's even checked several times here and there to make sure I'm not thinking anything has changed in her mind, and I always tell her that my assumption is always that her feelings are just as they were on the day she told me she wanted out, and that I'm just being the best person I can be because doing so is its own reward.
However... I feel pretty safe saying W is clearly waging a battle in her heart and/or head. That's not to say she's changing or is going to change her mind. But it seems like at a time when she should be pulling and preparing to move out, she's at least part of the time engaging more and coming closer.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
