Crimson.....good WILL come.

[sandi2]

I may be the only one who is not in favor of recognizing or celebrating holidays with ex's. However, as a teaching method to little children, and only with the purpose of wanting to instill those caring actions in him........(and Crimson, don't you dare get all out of balance with that term I just used)......I believe it is okay to let him make a homemade Mother's Day card. Let him draw and color pictures on it. Trace his hand and date it. Take a picture of him making the card and enclose it. It will mean more to her than any gift or store bought card. It has his involvement without having too much of "you" in it. He can give it to her without any of your additions to try and make it special, etc. Just keep yourself out of it, other than what I stated above.

Personally, the way I see it, there are no "rules" for the XH continuing some outward show of "whatever" when the calendar dictates it's that time of year again. Keeping it very.....VERY simple, and only to teach your child some things you want to instill in him, should be the ONLY reason. I think you may be surprised at yourself when you discover how you took advantage.....or maybe I should say used the opportunity to make it a family event, which meant including you with her during these times. You can find a way around it that takes you out of the picture. And if youl plan to continue detaching, you will.

You may not be the jealous type of man, Crimson, but your insecurities are just as bad. And based on things you've said about it, I think it sounds a lot like jealousy, but motivated by your personal insecurity when it comes to the R you've had with her. Which made you so needy and clingy you could not even attempt to detach in the past.

You are presently experiencing what a lot of men get when they get the bomb. They are not only blindsided by her wanting out, but with OM as well. It is still just as painful to you as if the bomb just exploded. I think until OM news, you were working as if you were still trying to impress her by your changes enough to reconcile again. You could never get beyond her not approving and acceptance of you enough to make a commitment. Once you are free of that bondage, you will be able to accept it being her loss. It will not plague your life.

Anyway, you can't allow guilt to dictate your actions. Neither do you want to pass down those tendencies to your son. I hope you will get IC to help you find a way to be free. What value is there to anything done out of guilt?

I have to wonder if you have been so hard on yourself to improve, that you have things out of balance? Of course, I've always thought you did! (ha). I just want you to be happy and free from your self inflicted pain. I know she has caused an awful amount of hurt, but you add fuel to the fires of hell by your own thoughts. I am worried you will have a breakdown before seeing your son reach his teens. And you definitely will after he gets into his teens. (jk)

You are a very sensitive guy and maybe that's why all the women like you so much, IDK. If you were my son, I would have probably messed you up just trying to get you to be a little tougher. But that's on me, not you. That's how most of us gals are........we love sensitive men who are tough. .

You have proven you could withstand more than you ever have, or thought you could do. That takes courage and determination. I don't remember another board member getting as much affirmation as you. That should say a lot about what kind of man we believe you to be. As I've said before, you are your own worst enemy. Please be good to yourself, sweetie. Find a good therapist to help you with these issues you have. Once that is cleared up, you will be near perfect! But then, we may not be able to stand ya.