I am in a horrible place.. I see the sense of letting go..part of me even wants to if it means I don't have to feel this way anymore but the reality of such a horrible aloneness without my H...I can see I have too much of me invested in us.. all really and I am not ready to be so alone..
.I think I am damaging myself..
It was so weird today..I had asked if he could help with the contract for my new place and the kitchen planning. I won't do that any more with any expectations. he said last Wednesday it didn't really suit.. he had made an appointment. he said today it felt like pressure.
I repeated I really was relying on him and he said OK at 9. He turned up at 9 said the contract was fine.. He is the engineer. I can not work in 3D at all.. he said I was acting like I couldn't do it! the measuring and planning. I agreed I was pretty hopeless but it wasn't an act.. he had always done this sort of job. So he helped with the planning and was OK. He came on the tour again with the owner and listened to the technical stuff.. thank goodness.
We then did not have time to go to a shop to look for kitchens as he had to head back..but we sat in his car for an hour and the conversation was odd.. I can't judge, is it WAS or is it depression.
I validated as best I could when I could understand him. Issues This one comes up frequently: I did not follow his advice and live in the city close to my work. I explained i did value his advice but also needed to be in nature and wanted to live in an area that was safe. He said i had accused him of trying to make me live in an area where I would get mugged ?? because I said one of the suburbs he mentioned was not so pleasant.. Also this one I could stay in this place where I live now did not have to move to a place I thought was horrible! ( 12 months sine I mentioned the new region is horrible.
Money.. he said he can't save any money. He is going to a lawyer to see what he should be doing about money.(I think) I shared with him what I had been told and what it would cost him. Which is twice what he currently contributes. he said well if that is what has to be paid he will pay it. I had to explain the system again..I have to ask for it and I am not going to..It made no sense.. he was feeling like he had no money and then was chasing a process where he would need to pay more .
He suggested I had secrets from my lawyer. I said just info I wanted to tell him face to face so there was not any misunderstanding.. We need a 2 person to sign account when we sell the house if he is going to pursue divorce. he "did not see why that was necessary, why do I listen to her"... what else did I know.. then i had to tell him here in Germany the split is not 50-50..( which is why I wanted to do this one face to face) that also did not make him happy.. then he said well as long a it was finally organised even if he had nothing he would be happy ???
He wants to divide our savings which is fine with me but I have not understood the process he was proposing.He has explained it a few times but always with such an aggressive tone that I know I can not listen properly.. I am so bad with anger..
He accused me of always going around and around on the same topics.. then he came back to the "leaving Australia topic" hey but I validated though it sure wasn't my first thought..and the moving topic and the town one..
he said it is not useful when he visits if we go to a concert or anything normal.. acting like there is nothing wrong?
I validated the silences and some of the comments and it seems that at the base is he feels if we are divorced and totally separated then there will not be any more pressure.. then we can start to look at our relationship.. confused actually he said that in those words..He is under a lot of pressure maybe here I made a mistake but I said I did not feel that topic was really over. We had never discussed really, never explored the consequences of divorce.. he said well what is wrong with it? My mind reading guess is the affair eats at him, people don't approve, it is obvious in parts of the company so I hear..
It did not feel like the time or place for that conversation so I said obviously for me to understand what is happening to me we need to talk more... He then became irritated because I am getting a new kitchen.( I did not say because you are insisting on me having a new apartment).
he was irritated that we have a telephone tariff where I can call Australia.. it cost 4 euros a month extra !
he was very irritated that I have a friend who is a lawyer.
he was irritated that the email bullying was mentioned.. actually by him. he said he did not send the emails.. I said " you brought that woman into my life so you have some responsibilities there.)
Last harvest we had made Rumtopf... fruits in spirits and sugar.. It is ready to eat now. I had bought a fancy new pot and made the rumtopf.. for him,I don't eat it.. so I thought I could take it up.. he said " Now I am getting all the old rubbish!" I said I thought it was something you'd like so please leave it in the car..he did. I am home and just threw it out!
Basically everything irritated him. I said that this obvious tension between us make sit very difficult to make plans and organise for all the things we HAVE to do.. like moving.. Was there a way to help it? he said when everything is organised meaning money, divorce then he will feel better..
so we might get the money done but my lawyer has a plan to drag the divorce out for years...and I have asked her o put it into action when she needs to.. bad plan??
I guess I really want him to hear me, to talk about things without everything being black. To acknowledge that not every moment I lived with him was about making him feel bad and hurting him and deceiving him..That we did not live with tension and bad feeling all those years..that sometimes it was pleasant..maybe even once or twice quite wonderful.
could I be waiting a long time? Do I tell him that is what I need to move on because I that thought really keeps me stuck.
