This, That and The Other

[labug]

Thanks, labug, for sharing your thoughts and responding to my questions. I think I still have a lot more thinking and reflection to do.

He didn't leave me to hurt me, he left to be happy. He was unable to do that living with me.

I get that... but it doesn't change the fact, for me, that it still hurt. And right now I feel like I'd need some acknowledgement of that (not a "well, I had to do what I had to do to be happy, it is what it is, I'm not really sorry about it") if we were to move forward. There are so many other ways he could have expressed his unhappiness or communicated with me about what we could do, than skipping right to "I want a D." At least, that's the current story in my mind. I've been in this for so much less time, maybe as time goes on and the initial sting fades, it would be different. My current forgiveness tolerance is a lot lower than yours... maybe it can be bumped up a little

It does hurt, hurts a lot. Did you read my early threads? I spent 6 months going to work, coming home and going to bed. That revealed something I needed to work on. Yes, I was grieving but I was also retelling my inner stories about me being a victim over and over.

I think our work is to figure out how to let go of that hurt, separating who we really are from what we think the action of another leaving us says about us.

What if you never get that from your H? Will that change who you are?

There are so many other ways he could have expressed his unhappiness or communicated with me about what we could do, than skipping right to "I want a D."This is very true and I said it many times in the past.

The fact is, he didn't choose another way and me wishing he had wouldn't change that. The hurt I was holding on to about that was mine to deal with. Over time as I realized we were pretty much 50-50 in the blame department. There are many ways I, too, could have done things differently in our R. I was able to let go of that need for a pound of flesh and forgive, I guess.

Anyone can apologize, it takes much more strength to reflect inward, see where we're lacking and make changes. I saw that in my H and continue to see it. I hope he sees the same in me.

Recognize that today you feel you would want an apology for the hurt you felt and let it go. All feelings change with time.