Starting to get it

[AnotherStander]

Thanks for the update! Sounds like things are going well, piecing is really difficult work and often makes BD'ing look like a breeze by comparison! So if you're feeling like "why is this so hard" just understand that you are not alone, many LBS's in piecing express that same sentiment. Good luck!

[mustardseed]

Thank you for your response. I haven't been here much. He is not drinking and getting IC which is great. I'm glad about it. But his recent body language and approach to me has been one of total anger and hate. He is miserable. The very few exchanges we have had in the past few months all point to the fact that he feels like we are in a hopeless situation. He isn't really speaking about the marriage, but just everything. Finances, careers, living situation, etc. He hates the way his life has turned out and in his early 40s he seems to have just given up any sense of hope that anything can change.

I am worried because I had an elderly relative who recently had an abrupt change in personality and was speaking in a similar way for a couple of weeks before she ended up taking her own life. I recognize this as depression, but I also feel like he is so angry with me, but he won't tell me what I did to make him so mad. Maybe he just blames me for our life. I think he blames me for the fact that he can't drink right now. I honestly don't care if he drinks or not. I don't think he is an alcoholic but he was treating his depression with alcohol and that had taken its toll.

I was hesitant to go into detail before, because I am kind of a private person, but I am hoping someone can help me put things into perspective and guide me on what I need to do.

The way he finally got help was the result of a fight we had the night before my birthday. He decided to go out with friends, after I was asking him if we can do something together. We were all on vacation that week and the kids were visiting relatives for the first half of the week. But he kept saying he was too tired and just wanted to relax. As soon as the kids got home he decided he was stir crazy and needed to have a night out. He was nice about it and said he would be home early and we would have a special day the next day for my birthday.

Well at 3 am he still wasn't home and I texted him telling him I can pick him up if he needed a ride. He got all pissed off, ended up taking a cab and went off on me. He said all sorts of awful things. I knew he was drunk, and in the past I have had those nights and I didn't take any of it personally (the last was few years ago which led me to change my drinking habits--I feel like that was also the point where I relationship changed. We never quite recovered from that).

The next day (my birthday) he came into the bedroom and said he was wanted me to take the kids out for the day because he was going to make some phone calls to get help for his drinking. I have been, what I think is, detached but available. I don't bring things up to him and wait for him to come to me (which never happens). I have been keeping myself busy with the kids and with my job search. But I feel like he is growing increasingly resentful. I feel like he blames me for the fact that he has admitted he has a drinking problem to people he wish he didn't talk to, because now he feels like there is not turning back. I never said a word to anyone, it was all his doing.

He mentioned a few weeks ago that he finds it interesting that I haven't mentioned anything about the fact that he stopped drinking. I was shocked. I thought he wanted his space and figured if he wanted to talk about it he would come to me. His body language screams Get the F away from me! How was I supposed to know he wanted me to bring things up! I was taken aback by that but I told him it wasn't that I haven't noticed or that I don't recognize what a great accomplishment it is, but that I got the impression he didn't want to talk about it. He said something about how he doesn't want to talk about things to me that he is discussing with the counselor, but that the drinking was something he thought I would have acknowledged.

I took a few days to let the seep in. Part of the issue, I realize, is that I am so angry. Part of me thinks that his timing was so purposeful. He wanted to avoid spending any sort of time with me, and to get out of having to be with me on my birthday he created this web. But then I think about how much he is hurting. How it doesn't matter, what is one birthday in the midst of this depression he is suffering from. And is my detachment making him feel alone. He is pushing EVERYONE away, not just me--I probably shouldn't take it so personally. But then I feel guilty that me being detached and GAL is making him feel like I just left him high and dry. I honestly don't feel married to him right now at all, which is good because it is a detached feeling. But it is sad because my end goal is for us to get through this and come out of it with a new, stronger, happy life TOGETHER!

I asked him if he has someone he confides in, at first he got defensive, I think he thought I was accusing him of cheating. So I said, you don't have to tell me who it is, I am just afraid that you are pushing everyone away and I want to know you have someone you trust in your life. He told me that he has his counselor and he doesn't want to burden anyone with his Sh!t. So I told him that I wanted him to know that I am here for him whenever he wants to talk. I told him that I want to talk to him about what he is going through, but I am following his lead. I told him that just because I am no longer hovering over him trying to pressure him into opening up doesn't mean I have given up on him. And that is where we left it a few days ago.

But he is still so cold, pulling away from me, snapping at me whenever I say anything. Kind of like an insolent teenager snapping at his mom. I think my PMA might be getting to him. Maybe he knows it is fake because I am really struggling to stay positive. I cry every day in the shower.

I really don't know what more to do. When dealing with a depressed person I know that GAL and PMA are important, and of course detachment is necessary for any sort of sanity, but how do you also remain a lifeline for when the person is ready. And how do I set boundaries when I really don't know what they are. I am aching for any sort of connection to him. But the rudeness, the coldness, the pulling away--I can't stand that. HELP!!

[mustardseed]

I just wanted to add that the birthday situation was over 2 months ago. So he hasn't drank in months and has been seeing his IC since then.

[mustardseed]

So after posting here I tried reaching out to him again. All with a PMA and he said, "we need to talk. I'm done." So I asked some more questions to try and figure out what that meant, partly trying to gauge if he was talking suicide, quitting his job, divorce, all of it at the same time? He said he is a pressure cooker ready to blow and this isn't helping (I assume he means me and our marriage but he will never come right out and say it unless he is pushed). He said he will never tell me anything ever again and hinted about that night before my birthday was to blame. I told him I think we probably have really different perspectives on what went down that night. Finally he said he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married.

I said, "Fine, but I am worried that you are very depressed and just thinking of cutting everyone and everything off so you can start fresh". He got all defensive and said he isn't trying to do that, and that he will always be there for the kids (I didn't even bring up the kids but that seems to be what his big concern is). I said I know he is not the type of person who would abandon his kids just to start fresh, that wasn't what I was talking about, I was worried about suicide. He again said, "No I wouldn't do that because I will always be there for the kids" so finally I said, "I know that, and I want you to know I will always be there for you no matter what happens". Then I left it at that.

There were a few other things that came up that confirmed some of my ideas as to why he has been so mad at me the past few weeks, and I finally got to say my piece regarding them. He completely misread so many of the things that has happened, and because he won't talk about things, and because I am not supposed to bring things up since I am DBing, they just hung over us.

Why can't he just snap out of this and realize that we can get through this?

[loualea]

Hi Mustardseed
some of your story resonates..I a trying to figure if depression is still there..
My H is having an affair which is getting complicated at work, he attempted suicide 18 mongns ago and won't share his plan because you always need a "back door".
the always angry tone and behaviour he told me is because he feels under pressure.
I am not sure it makes a difference what the cause is.. the PMA is all you can do because the only person you can change is yourself.
but the constant irritation is tough to deal with.
sounds like you are on the right track..with PMA..

[melissag]

Hi Mustard, I was just thinking about you the other day and hoping your absence meant that you and H were doing really well rebuilding your M. So I was sad to read your most recent updates.

It sounds very obvious that this is something that you can't do much about. Your H has his own issues, and if he won't address them himself, let alone let you in on them so you can deal with them together, there is really nothing you can do other than stay out of his way.

I can empathize with the feeling of wanting him to snap out of it. Our Hs are different, but when we are sitting there slogging through having to work out a parenting plan, I'm thinking, "it would have been so much easier to work on our M than to do this." It kind of makes me want to slap him in the face, or give him a swirly in the toilet.

I think you are handling things just right, Mustard . . . and I hope you know that this isn't about you. I know that is small solace, but hopefully it will help you to keep the focus on your and your kids.

I hope he does figure this stuff out and change his mind.

[Mimi00]

So sorry things have taken a turn Mustardseed.

I would say to no longer "diagnosis" your H by telling him he's depressed.

When he said he was done and no longer wanted to be in the marriage, simply say "I don't buy it. But if you feel that is what will make you happy I won't stand in your way".

Opening the "cage door" will make whatever "burden" he's feeling lighter, while telling him why your think he's behaving a certain way etc... probably just makes him more angry.

Melissa is right, whatever he's going through has nothing to do with you. Continue with your PMA and taking care of yourself.

[mustardseed]

Thank you for your advice and feedback. I didn't realize that my validation was also diagnosing but now I see that it is. No more. I am done caring about what happens to Him.

Last weekend was awful. We didn't fight, in fact I thought we had a good heart to heart. Later he fed the kids and said he needed to go for a drive to clear his head but didn't come home until the next morning. I couldn't sleep all night. The kids were asking me when he would be home. I was pissed and scared and suddenly realized--here is a boundary. For the first time I stopped being understanding and accepting and I told him he won. I give up. I'm done. I think my change in attitude surprised him. I think I made my point. We are still on the road to divorce but I feel much better about it. I still hope things work out down the road, but I'm done being the one who has to stay positive in spite ofshitty treatment. I'm done making excuses for him when he lets the kids down.

I want out. This is my life too! My main goal is to just get out of our current living situation which is dependent on his job and both of us hate. Whether he follows me or not is up to Him. Unfortunately financially this isn't possible right now, so I am looking for a better job, hopefully in another country where I actually have a support system. I really feel like if we can start cutting ties to his shitty job things will start to get better for all of us. Whether we are together at the end I f this or not remains to be seen.

We actually had a talk about things. Our usual MO is to avoid each other and keep everything bottled up. It felt so good to finally tell him how much I am hurting. How it isn't just him who is suffering. I know that is not typical DB advice but I am so sick of hiding from him how his state of mind is effecting those around him.

Not sure where we go from here but I feel lighter now. And detached. And in charge of my own happiness. Not that I'm happy, but I'm not tiptoeing around him anymore which at least makes me feel like a person again, rather than a robot.

[mustardseed]

That should say another county not country lol.

[mustardseed]

It kind of makes me want to slap him in the face, or give him a swirly in the toilet.
I hope he does figure this stuff out and change his mind.

Oh Melissa, I know that feeling. A swirly in the toilet sounds like the perfect solution lol. And yes, I keep telling myself that no matter what happens we have to learners how to communicate because we share children. And why not learn it in a way that will save our marriage not end it. But now I realize there is nothing I can do to make him see that so I will just go about my own business trying to get my life back to a happy place even if it is no longer the one I wanted.