Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Thank you for your response. I haven't been here much. He is not drinking and getting IC which is great. I'm glad about it. But his recent body language and approach to me has been one of total anger and hate. He is miserable. The very few exchanges we have had in the past few months all point to the fact that he feels like we are in a hopeless situation. He isn't really speaking about the marriage, but just everything. Finances, careers, living situation, etc. He hates the way his life has turned out and in his early 40s he seems to have just given up any sense of hope that anything can change.

I am worried because I had an elderly relative who recently had an abrupt change in personality and was speaking in a similar way for a couple of weeks before she ended up taking her own life. I recognize this as depression, but I also feel like he is so angry with me, but he won't tell me what I did to make him so mad. Maybe he just blames me for our life. I think he blames me for the fact that he can't drink right now. I honestly don't care if he drinks or not. I don't think he is an alcoholic but he was treating his depression with alcohol and that had taken its toll.

I was hesitant to go into detail before, because I am kind of a private person, but I am hoping someone can help me put things into perspective and guide me on what I need to do.

The way he finally got help was the result of a fight we had the night before my birthday. He decided to go out with friends, after I was asking him if we can do something together. We were all on vacation that week and the kids were visiting relatives for the first half of the week. But he kept saying he was too tired and just wanted to relax. As soon as the kids got home he decided he was stir crazy and needed to have a night out. He was nice about it and said he would be home early and we would have a special day the next day for my birthday.

Well at 3 am he still wasn't home and I texted him telling him I can pick him up if he needed a ride. He got all pissed off, ended up taking a cab and went off on me. He said all sorts of awful things. I knew he was drunk, and in the past I have had those nights and I didn't take any of it personally (the last was few years ago which led me to change my drinking habits--I feel like that was also the point where I relationship changed. We never quite recovered from that).

The next day (my birthday) he came into the bedroom and said he was wanted me to take the kids out for the day because he was going to make some phone calls to get help for his drinking. I have been, what I think is, detached but available. I don't bring things up to him and wait for him to come to me (which never happens). I have been keeping myself busy with the kids and with my job search. But I feel like he is growing increasingly resentful. I feel like he blames me for the fact that he has admitted he has a drinking problem to people he wish he didn't talk to, because now he feels like there is not turning back. I never said a word to anyone, it was all his doing.

He mentioned a few weeks ago that he finds it interesting that I haven't mentioned anything about the fact that he stopped drinking. I was shocked. I thought he wanted his space and figured if he wanted to talk about it he would come to me. His body language screams Get the F away from me! How was I supposed to know he wanted me to bring things up! I was taken aback by that but I told him it wasn't that I haven't noticed or that I don't recognize what a great accomplishment it is, but that I got the impression he didn't want to talk about it. He said something about how he doesn't want to talk about things to me that he is discussing with the counselor, but that the drinking was something he thought I would have acknowledged.

I took a few days to let the seep in. Part of the issue, I realize, is that I am so angry. Part of me thinks that his timing was so purposeful. He wanted to avoid spending any sort of time with me, and to get out of having to be with me on my birthday he created this web. But then I think about how much he is hurting. How it doesn't matter, what is one birthday in the midst of this depression he is suffering from. And is my detachment making him feel alone. He is pushing EVERYONE away, not just me--I probably shouldn't take it so personally. But then I feel guilty that me being detached and GAL is making him feel like I just left him high and dry. I honestly don't feel married to him right now at all, which is good because it is a detached feeling. But it is sad because my end goal is for us to get through this and come out of it with a new, stronger, happy life TOGETHER!

I asked him if he has someone he confides in, at first he got defensive, I think he thought I was accusing him of cheating. So I said, you don't have to tell me who it is, I am just afraid that you are pushing everyone away and I want to know you have someone you trust in your life. He told me that he has his counselor and he doesn't want to burden anyone with his Sh!t. So I told him that I wanted him to know that I am here for him whenever he wants to talk. I told him that I want to talk to him about what he is going through, but I am following his lead. I told him that just because I am no longer hovering over him trying to pressure him into opening up doesn't mean I have given up on him. And that is where we left it a few days ago.

But he is still so cold, pulling away from me, snapping at me whenever I say anything. Kind of like an insolent teenager snapping at his mom. I think my PMA might be getting to him. Maybe he knows it is fake because I am really struggling to stay positive. I cry every day in the shower.

I really don't know what more to do. When dealing with a depressed person I know that GAL and PMA are important, and of course detachment is necessary for any sort of sanity, but how do you also remain a lifeline for when the person is ready. And how do I set boundaries when I really don't know what they are. I am aching for any sort of connection to him. But the rudeness, the coldness, the pulling away--I can't stand that. HELP!!