Still trying to save my family - part 11

[whytry]

Scorp7, stay focused and find your happiness. You'll be amazed how much it helps my friend.

[Scorp7]

Thanks WT

I've listed our acreage for sale. It's a big step that I feel needed to happen. Once it sells I'm planning to buy another smaller acreage outside my W's town.

I'm going to be pulling the trailer over and then keep my kids with me for the week starting on May 9th. The trailer is pretty huge, much bigger than a hotel room, and my W and I used it for more than a week at a time with the kids several times in the past. The kids will still be in school as usual and do their regular routine so that shouldn't be a problem.

It will likely be rocky, to say the least. My concern is my W will withhold the kids the next time they would be scheduled to be with me. There is also the possibility she will pull them out of school and take them back with her. If she does that it will make her look pretty bad.

My work is totally supportive of me making the move which is awesome. If I didn't have that to rely on things would be a lot worse.

It's going to be an interesting next week or two.

[whytry]

I think it's Wonka or MrBond that told me not to mind read she may not withhold children. It might not be rocky. Let's see, don't set a negative expectation or it'll happen....bad paraphrase from book. Sorry man I'm still learning but I'll try to encourage.

Glad your job is supportive. Be happy with kiddos and remember to be the man you want to be and be it every day (per MrCas).

[Wonka]

Scorp,

Glad to hear that you're taking some action steps toward one of your goals: being near the kiddos!

It will likely be rocky, to say the least. My concern is my W will withhold the kids the next time they would be scheduled to be with me. There is also the possibility she will pull them out of school and take them back with her. If she does that it will make her look pretty bad.

You've got to stop this stinkin' thinkin'...does you no good at all. In fact, I think your W has been pretty good so far with letting you see the kids with the past visits at your home for 6 days and talking on the phone with them.

[ericmsant2]

I was going to write this long post and then I realized that everything I was going to say was already addressed by AK, Drew and Wonka.

I will add one thing....

Read AK and Drew posts to you. Read them over and over again.

You have filed for divorce. She has kidnapped your kids.

You still want to talk and be nice?

Honestly, grab your sacks.. and start doing what YOU want - not what anyone else tells you to do or what your w ALLOWS you to do.

[Scorp7]

Thanks again, I appreciate all of your feedback.

My W has been emailing me fairly steadily over the last few days. It's mainly dealing with splitting the summer holidays. She sent me a proposed schedule that splits the summer quite evenly with the kids being with us each for roughly 10 days at a time. I do think this is progress for sure despite her insistence to send emails through her mother.

I've again told her I am relocating to her area. She is asking in her latest email about where I will be living even though I've told her several times that I will live close enough for our kids to stay in their current schools. I have been giving her a lot of info on my plans, wouldn't it make sense to ask about her plans as well?

I also reiterated my idea of sharing the kids 50/50 during the school year. She hasn't responded to that directly so I will ask her flat out if she will agree to it. I think she knows if she doesn't agree that she is in for a long court battle so I'm hopeful the trend of her being reasonable will continue.

I may be wrong, I do feel that I'm leading things a lot more now. I agree AK, my being a strong, goal oriented leader is what attracted my W to me for sure. I think I can still be that guy and at the same time be willing to go along with her desire to live close to her parents.

The big issue with where we will live is that in order for the kids to be brought back to my province my W would either have to agree to do it or I would have to win in court to have them brought back. If she will agree to 50/50 over there then I will go with that over a long court battle to have the kids brought back here that is less and less likely to succeed with each passing day.

I am sticking to my guns about 50/50, I will not back down on that one. I plan to buy an acreage over there to give my kids the life in the country that they deserve. I'm going to start my band up again as well. It has to take a back seat to my kids, beyond that I can keep it going from over there. My work and business have been very supportive of my making the move. If I can work from home when the kids are with me I will be able to be all the more present in their lives which is great all the way around.

[melissag]

Scorp, glad to see that things are going a little better for you, and your W seems to be more willing to compromise WRT the kids.

Because my H and I have been working with a counselor whose expertise is in co-parenting, and whose job it is to help us do what is best for our kids, I wanted to comment on a couple of things.

First, do you think that the kids switching homes for ten days at a time is really best for them this summer? Ten days is a loooooong time to be away from either parent, especially at this age - and I know you will hate that I say this, but especially away from Mom. Not because she is more important but because (whether it was right or wrong for this to happen), the fact is that for quite a while now they have been with her most of the time.

I hope that you will consult with someone who can help you make sure you are doing what is best for your kids. Because I know you want what is best, but I think it's important for us as parents to recognize that we don't really know what we are doing when it comes to kids and D. (For example, H and I were told that the first parenting plan we came up with sucked and would be terrible for the kids.)

Second, I want to encourage you to let go of the 50/50 idea. The important part is not the amount of time you spend with the kids, but the quality of time. Are you doing all the normal Dad things - tucking them into bed, getting them ready for school, having meals with them, etc., AND doing fun things with them. They should be doing all those things with both parents. There are many ways to have a rich relationship with your kids without trying to stuff that goal into a 50/50 schedule. Maybe it will work to have a 50/50 schedule, but maybe not so much . . . so please just be open to other ways of splitting time, and keeping your focus on what is best for the kids.

[Scorp7]

Mel, thanks for your thoughts. I agree that 10 days away is a long time. I had been thinking of sticking with the 7 day schedule through the summer. The 10 day schedule is what my W has proposed. Right now my kids are away from me often for up to 11 or 12 days at a time and it's not good for them. My oldest D is in counseling on a regular basis and the counselor has told me the main worry my D has in being away from me for so long.

I was very involved with my kids before this happened and they want and need me to still be that involved in the future. My W is not generally the main care giver for my kids when they are with her, her mother is with them far more than she is. I will be able to be with my kids every day that they are with me and be the primary care giver.

There is a ton of research that's been done in recent years with regard to parenting after D and most of it says that kids benefit greatly from having both parents involved in their lives equally. If having both parents involved was the norm before the separation then that should not change afterwards. I have always been involved with every part of their lives, from changing diapers, getting them ready in the morning, feeding them during the day and putting them to bed at night. In fact, after my son was born it was necessary for me to take over even more of the parenting tasks with both my girls.

I'm sure my W loves our kids every bit as much as I do. She has always had a hard time being warm and open in general, that may be why the kids have been a bit closer with me. I am sure that if my W and I can't find a way to R that splitting time with our kids is the best thing we can do for them.

[ericmsant2]

FWIW,

I agree with Mel on the principal point. As parents we must do what is best for the kids and I agree that 10 days between seeing the other parent is too long.

IF (and that is a big IF), you and W can agree to PUT the kids interest FIRST, then I am and will continue to be a proponent of a "flexible parenting plan with a default schedule". That said, in order for a flexible schedule to work, both parent have to be able to communicate and are both willing to share in the responsibility of raising the kids.

At the end of the day, IMO, mom's have a much harder time giving up the control. It is the way our society has been established and although things are changing...the presumption more often than not is that the kids should be with mom more.

Scorp, if you feel that moving is best for the kids, then move. Sometimes in life ya need to give a little to get a little.

Whatever you decide to do, try and keep the kids out of it. Try to avoid from putting them in the middle of a heated court battle. It does them no good and only creates more resentment between you and your W.

There are many ways to skin a cat - whatever you do..make sure YOU are doing what is best for the kids (which I think is Melissa key point). Do not make this about 50/50 per se. Make it about THEM.

In time, they will make their own choices and you and your W actions during this time will IMO, play a role in whatever they decide to do in the future.

[Scorp7]

Thanks eric. I agree, it has to be about the kids and only the kids, not just what either my W or I want. They need both my W and I in their lives equally. Ideally it would be every day. If not, then sharing time with them gets us as close to the kids having the influence of both parents every day as possible.

Having said that, I am curious on what you all think I should do about the coming week.

I am planning to pull our large RV over to my W's town and keep the kids with me for the entire week. Basically to implement the shared time concept I have been talking about. The kids will of course be in their same schools, do their same after school activities etc.

The question is, should I tell my W my plans BEFORE I have the kids?

When I had previously told my W I planned to keep the kids with me for an extra day over the weekend she threatened to withhold the kids from me. When I told her the kids would be in school for that day and do everything they normally would do she went along with it.

Now I am planning to keep them for not one extra day but 5.

I would like to tell her my plans and be upfront about things. My concern is that she will flip out and withhold the kids from me. If I don't tell her before hand, pick the kids up on Friday and then tell her once the kids are with me she still will likely get upset however I at least would have the opportunity to show that the kids can do very well staying with me for a week while they are in school. She then hopefully will get used to the idea, see that the kids are just fine and then go along with things.

Thoughts?