Don't know what to think

[T-boned]

Okay, so it has only been a couple of hours since my last post and I have tears running down my face.Just sobbed into the pillow and asked God why this is happening to me. Am I paying for all my past sins?

Where the heck did that all come from? I'm still so upset. Why am I having the hardest time believing that this all real? Why did he leave me??? How was I so bad to live with that would make him do this? Why couldn't he talk to me about all this before? I miss him. I know this is all about him, I know what everyone has said on this site about how it's them, not you, but I'm having such a difficult time at this moment accepting what has happened.

I just talked about my health concerns - I know I need to get over this in order to stave off any chance of cancer coming back -you'd think that would be a huge motivator, but why do I not heed this warning to myself? Am I on some self-destructive path?

How can someone have such an effect on another human being?

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hey T

I've just read a bit about your story. But your last post made me want to reach out. I'm not sure what to say other than I feel your pain. I won't get into advice or anything like that but just want you to know that someone out there understands your pain right now.

Crying is good. I once cried at work while typing on my phone to post to my thread. Tears were covering my phone. It was hard to type with my tears on my screen. Haha

Hope tomorrow brings a smile or two.

[T-boned]

Thanks, 2ndT. Ya, I think I had a little too much wine tonight - I know I should stay away from alcohol. I just should anyway til I am in a better place. Easy to say,,,,,,let's see if I can do it.

I know crying is good, that's why I do it so much. I don't want to bury these feelings - I've done it in other situations and it just comes back to haunt you. I know my IC has worked with me on other issues - not releasing the pain seems to be a common theme. Always want to be stoic and not show weakness.

Thank you for being there. I'll have to check out your sitch this evening.

[TL72*]

T-boned,
Just thinking about you, I hope you're feeling better.
I don't think you're on a self destructive path, you're just grieving and we all do it on our own way. It is necessary.
It's hard to accept this, I think we get stuck in denial for a bit but you'll get through it. Sometimes we let go of the rope and then when you see it slipping away you grab it again... I go back and forth, also depends on my hormones dang it. I can tell sometimes I'm more depressed on certain days and I journal to sort of keep track. Then you know that it's just hormones messing with ya and you'll feel better in a couple days. It's good for you to cry of course and let it out. It will get better, I know you're probably tired of hearing that, but it does, I'm counting on that myself. And it has gotten better for me after taking this divorce group. I feel so lucky to have gotten it so early on. Keep writing your poems, also another excellent release. wish you were closer so we could go walking or something! The longer my exH is away, the more I realize that the house is so less stressful now. He could monster and just ruin an entire weekend. Happened all the time when I think back. I gotta admit there are a ton of things I don't miss. I miss the old him, the loving him, but once I started really looking at things, he was a d*ck for awhile and I just have to accept that it is over and done with, in the past. Live in the present and eventually we get to a point where we can plan for our future. Right now though, just one day at a time. (((hugs)))

[2ndTimeHurt]

Oh geez. You'll enjoy the roller coaster ride of my sitch for sure. Mine started 2 years ago. At this very moment, I'm probably feeling the worst I have in the past 2 years.

I think I'm out of tears, more like dry heaving from the eyes now. Haha.

[LiveNow]

T-boned -

Hope you're doing better today. I may pick up that book about vulnerability. I have also lived so much of my life 'guarding my heart' so I know what you mean. The biggest change, though, in these past 11 months for me has been to become much more 'real' and tear the walls down. Let whatever emotions occur just happen. You feel them, acknowledge them, and then move on. I have had my share of all-out sobbing episodes (and I hate hearing myself do this - hard to listen to!), but they usually only last about 10 minutes and then it's over. I really do feel much better afterward. It all just seems to well up and get to a point where you have to let it all out to keep going.

My H's MLC has been a huge eye-opener for me. Not so much for him, because he's still refusing to do any self-examination whatsoever. Promised he would start IC, but only went a couple of times. Tough to sit there and admit he has an OW, I guess!

Anyway, feel it all, let it out, and then go on with your day. Those times pass...

BTW - no updates on my sitch. Haven't talked with H since he asked me to let him know whether mediation is the way I want to go, about 3.5 weeks ago now. We'll have to talk sometime I guess...

[T-boned]

Thank you TL. You're so right-on about when you think of the 'loving' guy that's when it gets difficult. When you remember the days when he was a d*ck, it's easy to detach. You know, aabout a year and a half ago, not long after I finished my last round of chemotherapy, he started really picking on me and saying hurtful things. And I couldn't believe what I was hearing/feeling from him. Looking back, I think he wanted me to not like him - maybe I would leave him?

This past Tuesday when we got done signing all the deeds etc and he wanted me to hug him I just felt so disrespectful and disrespected. Felt like saying, "Why do you need a hug from me - go hug your girlfriend you rat-ba*tard." Then I felt such contempt and then sort of a freedom. This bit of anger and the realization that he's not the same guy I married is helping despite my moments of weakness.

And of course, your dialogue is really helpful!
Yes, I wish we could go for a walk and just help each other. But we'll walk in spirit. I hope you are doing okay. I'll stop by your site. Again, thanks TL. You're a light in a dark place. (((Hugs back))

[willbwell]

T-bone, hope you had a better day. I have just ordered the Brene Brown book along with some others. Reading helps me greatly!
I am reminded there is (unfortunately)no speeding up the process.
A day at a time. we will get thru!

[TL72*]

one little "prayer" that helps rid you of resentment..."May (insert MLC'er name here) have everything good in life that I ever wanted for myself" repeat every day for 2 weeks, if you miss a day, start over. After 2 weeks you will lose some of that resentment. Use it any time that you feel resentment building. It works for me anyway. Learned that from my counselor.
Hope you're having a good weekend. I wore myself out doing yardwork, it's a really good distraction. take care!

[LoisB]

Hey TB,

I hope you are feeling better. :-)

I headed back to the office to finish the re-fi papers and did fine. Got home, wrote a poem about it, and broke down. I know I am just grieving for the man I used to know because that guy I saw today? He's not the guy I married. It's almost like looking at a corpse - you recognize the face, but the life spirit of the person is gone. That's how I felt when I looked at him. 'He' was no longer in that body.

Here's my poem:
My eyes look into yours with disbelief and sadness,
Your eyes stare back with barely a glimmer of what I once was to you.
My heart breaks into its final last pieces.
Your heart has no memory of me.

I think your poem and your thoughts are beautiful. I balled reading them. Lol.

I know the legal process is just "paper" and I know a divorce doesn't necessarily mean it's over... Still, ever since I retained an attorney and had him start working on papers...I've been kinda, sorta a mess. The grief and fear and all of it rose to the surface again.

Please be gentle with yourself. It's ok to be a mess sometimes. Sometimes being a mess means you are working through it and your soul is trying to clean it all up.

:-) I hope you enjoy some of the weekend.