Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

Yes, Sandi2, I'm still here. Shouldn't I be?
I don't know which way is up sometimes. I've gone over to her place the last couple of evenings to bring her stuff for her business and her mum, who's got a cold. And we've ended up talking about our M. Last night she was talking about the OM and how nice he is and telling me how bad our M was and that the pain she felt over the 1st 7 years we were together was so great that the pain I've felt over the past 4 months doesn't even compare.
She tells me I'm a salesman and she never wanted to be with an alcoholic or a salesman. That is my career, so she's hurting me to the core with her words. She wants to spread her wings and fly, but feels that even though I say she's free to do what she wants she still thinks I'm spying on her and stalking her. I have done that a couple of times over the past 3 months but I try to avoid doing that. It's hard when she's still seeing the OM and I suspect sleeping with him again.
I told her I'm torn: if I spend time with her and show her love I feel that I push her away, but if I detach and withdraw I feel she'll think I don't love her. I told her that when I withdraw and detach it's only to protect myself from pain and not that I don't love her.