Don't know what to think

[T-boned]

Okay, so it has only been a couple of hours since my last post and I have tears running down my face.Just sobbed into the pillow and asked God why this is happening to me. Am I paying for all my past sins?

Where the heck did that all come from? I'm still so upset. Why am I having the hardest time believing that this all real? Why did he leave me??? How was I so bad to live with that would make him do this? Why couldn't he talk to me about all this before? I miss him. I know this is all about him, I know what everyone has said on this site about how it's them, not you, but I'm having such a difficult time at this moment accepting what has happened.

I just talked about my health concerns - I know I need to get over this in order to stave off any chance of cancer coming back -you'd think that would be a huge motivator, but why do I not heed this warning to myself? Am I on some self-destructive path?

How can someone have such an effect on another human being?