Don't know what to think

[TL72*]

Hi T-boned,
I read your whole sitch - you were so kind to post to mine. So much of yours is just like mine. Which makes all the responses you got very helpful to me. I'm sorry to hear about the OW. Mine insisted he didn't have one (back when I was asking questions) then I learned not to. Of course you can't believe anything they say anyway. I don't even want to know now, all it does is hurt. Unfortunately we have to let them go on this journey alone. I am reading all i can which seems a little obsessive but like you had mentioned earlier, it sort of makes you feel better about the sitch when you have more of an understanding - even though it doesn't actually make sense - it is a reason, an explanation. it all still seems so crazy right now and I want to fast forward, but then again we're going through our own process as the LBS. I'm glad you are GAL, that's the best thing we can do for ourselves right now. take care and keep posting!!

[2Times2Many]

Hi T-boned.

I too have read your sitch and want to thank you for posting on mine.

It is odd that they all seem to say and do similar things. It is so sad to see so many posts that say "my sitch is similar to yours."

My H also thinks we will be be friends once things are done. In fact he believes that if he realizes he has made a huge mistake by leaving me that he can someday knock on my door and I will take him back! Talk about feeling like a doormat!

Anyway, I am impressed with how well you are coping. We all know how difficult it is to see someone you truly care for completely self-destruct and there is nothing we can do to help.

I'm resigned to the fact that my marriage is over for now. We're going to a mediator, he is still insists he is done, and I believe it, but it may still be the MLC talking. I don't know what to think, other than I just have to move on. Maybe one day he will want to come back to me but I can't live my life hanging on to that thread.

We can accept intellectually that the M is over, but there is nothing wrong with shedding a few tears and feeling sadness now and then. It's no different than the passing of a loved one. The mind and the heart are sometimes at odds.

But, don't give up all hope. The journey is not over. I believe that these MLCer's know somewhere deep down that what they are doing is not in their best interest, but they convince themselves that if they just change this thing or that, then all will end well. But each thing they change ends up not being the change that makes them happy. They just have to figure it out for themselves.

Personally, I am not ready to complete cut that thread. But, I do know the hope that something will change and he will come back to me is not something that I can let consume my life. You can have the little glimmer of hope in your heart, and still move on with your life. I read here somewhere a post by a LBS that his mental perspective changed dramatically when he realized that although he wanted his WAW in his life, he didn't need her in his life. Once I came to believe that, my ability to cope improved dramatically as well.

Hugs,
2T2M

[T-boned]

Talked to my H the other day about the re-fi - I got approved and can sign papers next week but I need him to sign some things as well. When I called him to tell him, he was very cautious about it. Told him he didn't have to sign a Interspousal transfer of the deed right then , but he was still cautious. Anyway, during our conversation just hearing his voice made me miss him and my voice started to break up. He asked what was wrong and I told him this was very hard for me and I was dealing with a lot, ie the divorce paper work, the taxes, the loan and my elderly mom. Basically when we hung up he said, "I hope your day gets better."

I haven't been exercising the last week or so due to weather and my schedule - I sure notice a change in my attitude (for the worst) when this happens. So I texted him and told him sorry for breaking down, and cited my reason (no exercise). No response. OH well. So much for acting like I was happy, etc...I need to get out of this frame of mind. I'm not coping as well...

Finally got a run in today and feel much better. I hope to keep it up as I think it helps me deal with all this.

I know there is something good coming my way but it is so hard to see right now.

[T-boned]

I need some feed back, if possible.
H and I signed the Marriage Settlement Agreement today before my re-fi papers.. Probably will be the last time I will see him since there is no reason to see each other anymore. Neither one of us has to be present in court for the finalization in August. Knowing that, I spent last Sat. and a few days prior to that in a funk. Cried over the 'death' of the man I married. Cried over the finality of it all. Earlier today I was pretty upset anticipating what it was going to be like today seeing him for the last time.

I could barely look at him when he entered the room. I could feel him looking at me but I just couldn't make eye contact for fear I would just tear up. I hesitated a bit and felt the tears as I signed the settlement papers. We exchanged a few words. Afterwards we went outside so I could give him a bag full of mail and odds and ends. He said something about talking later, but I just shrugged my shoulders because he never calls me. Then he opened his arms to give me a hug and I waved him off saying, "I can't do that." Then I just turned and walked away, and off he went.

I headed back to the office to finish the re-fi papers and did fine. Got home, wrote a poem about it, and broke down. I know I am just grieving for the man I used to know because that guy I saw today? He's not the guy I married. It's almost like looking at a corpse - you recognize the face, but the life spirit of the person is gone. That's how I felt when I looked at him. 'He' was no longer in that body.

Here's my poem:
My eyes look into yours with disbelief and sadness,
Your eyes stare back with barely a glimmer of what I once was to you.
My heart breaks into its final last pieces.
Your heart has no memory of me.


Right now the place I had in my heart for him is barren. He's gone.

Let the healing begin....

[T-boned]

Reading my post from yesterday, I don't think I should expect any feedback . . it's more of a journal entry than anything. All I know is that I can see life without my H but it won't be as colorful for now. I do know that things will get better, I have to believe everyone who has gone before me, it's just hard to see from this perspective. Last Sunday I did go to a birthday function and met some really interesting people, lots of musicians, and chatted with one man for quite a while. He seemed interested in me which felt good, but of course, I am no where near starting anything with anyone at this point in time.

At times I think of my H and his relationship with the OW. I just don't think he realizes how dangerous it is going to be for both to get emotionally involved because he hasn't 'fixed' himself yet. Unfortunately for her and her kids, they are most likely to be hurt as well.

But today is a new day. I will give it my best to rally and try to put my mind in a better place. It's just so difficult at times. Yet, coming here and reading how everyone else is dealing with their situations gives me hope and inspiration to carry on. Life just isn't fair or easy, but it's worth fighting for.

[TL72*]

Tboned,
Yep that is one of the hardest things to do in this journey. Mine did not offer a hug or a goodbye or anything. When the day came for the court date, he went, I didn't. It was just like any other day to me by then. Now you can start healing more. Try not to think about OW, she's just a fill in and he'll realize that eventually. You can't go from one relationship to another like that without bringing along your baggage. Can't tell the MLC'er that - but they have to figure that crap out for themselves. Just distract yourself when you find your mind wandering that way, snap a rubberband on your wrist if you have to. Mine doesn't have to contact me now either but he's already texted me a couple times now which I find interesting. Not sure what else to think about it. Can't mind read, can't expect anything, just have to let go. It's good for you to journal like you did, I like your poem. I wrote a few myself and it does help. I especially like to hand write because it feels like i'm getting that stuff out of me and on to paper more than if I type it. Gets some of those thoughts out that keep you awake at night. I'm sleeping better now than I ever have. One thing I did was write a good bye letter to my exH. Not the kind you actually send, it's just a sort of release. Good bye to walking on eggshells, good bye to snoring, good bye to bending over backwards to keep the peace, or whatever it was that went on in your relationship. I must have written 2 pages lol. Allow yourself that time go grieve. Also remind yourself of your good things, make this about you. I wrote a list of things i'm grateful for. Also in my divorce group they had us write down 50 characteristics about ourselves (good ones) just to remind yourself that you're a good person, you have self worth. There will still be down days, I especially have them when i'm hormonal, but I find the depression lasts a few days - i'm still functioning and then i'll have really good strong days. I hope you find your inner strength, I think you already are. It is difficult to get through the denial that this is really happening, every day is a new day. Use the time to make your home YOURS, a place you enjoy. I'm sure you've heard all this before, it helps me too just to type it out and remind myself of the things we can do to keep ourselves up and keep a PMA. It's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry, allow yourself to feel it and go through it. ((((hugs)))) to you my sister LBS thinking of you.

[LiveNow]

Tboned -

The hugging thing -- good for you for walking away from it. My H seems to think I still want to do that. One month ago I just decided I didn't want to anymore. Like you said, he's not the man you married. Mine isn't either (I like your poem, by the way). And mine also has OW with 2 young children (we have none). OW is still married but very recently separated. Those poor kids. Who the heck do they think my H is?? CRAZY, this MLC. You sound strong -- keep moving ahead. You, and all of us, will get through this, one step at a time.

[T-boned]

Thanks, TL. I always love to hear from you. You always say something that makes me feel so much better.

Now that I've gotten over this hurdle the only one left is the actual signing off by the court which doesn't happen until August. In my state it's a mandatory 6 month wait to finalize. I'm hoping by then to have made some substantial personal progress so it's not so emotional. I have a few things planned with some of my friends in the next few months, plus I'm going to have to work a little more in order to handle the house payments and bills. I'd like to do a few projects around here just to make the place mine, but if I find I'm still reminded too much of him I may just move out and rent the place or sell it. I could always use the equity as a shot in the arm to my retirement which was planned out a whole lot differently before this.I think one of the things I have trouble with is driving around town, it's relatively small and there are lots of memories everywhere. Plus the thought of running in to him, possibly with OW in tow, creates a little uneasiness. No use imagining things - just deal with the here and now, right??

Thanks again, TL for stopping by. It means a lot to know you're out there. I'm glad to hear you are sleeping well - you just sound so GREAT! I'll check in on your site tonight if possible.
Hugs to you, my friend. ((((TL)))

[T-boned]

Hi LiveNow - thank you for the support, and thanks for the comment about my poem. I felt a little silly afterward for including it in my post, but then I remembered this idea about vulnerability and putting yourself out there and having the courage to do whatever you were going to do. Got it from a book by Brene Brown, called Daring Greatly, and she makes a big deal about vulnerability. So I'm trying to make it a point to go against my nature to not take the chance of being 'laughed at' and just put myself out there. So, your comment really helped. Thank you, again.

Yes, walking away was sooo hard to do. I think it makes them feel better, like they haven't done anything so terrible if 'she's still willing to still hug me.' I'm just done with that. They need to realize how much they have hurt someone, not that we are going to be so eager to be friends. That's the one thing my H has constantly brought up throughout this whole ordeal - that we would be so much better as friends. HA! Well, if this is how they treat their friends, forget it!

I know I'm just grieving for the loss of the guy I married. He's just no longer there.

How are you doing, LiveNow? I'll have to stop by your thread. Thanks, again...and hugs to you (((LN))). We will make it through this!

[T-boned]

Feeling a little better today. After realizing I have been grieving so much for the man I married and not the man I saw the other day has made the last couple of days a little easier to get through. I'd like to think that by my waving him off for a hug and walking away the other day made a statement to him about how much he has hurt me and that I don't see him as being someone I want to be friends with and don't even like right now.

Feels like I have finally dropped the rope, and it feels sort of good.

I just see him running further and further away but with all of his baggage trailing behind him, like cans tied to the bumper of a car. He just won't stop, turn around and address them. Something he'll pay for in future relationships. Oh well...

I need to work on my issues, get myself healthy. I worry that this whole year of emotional distress could possibly trigger the cancer to make a come-back somewhere else. So I need to emotionally get myself in a much better place. I don't ever want to go through that again, especially alone.