Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

Thanks bright. My mood is ok here with my mom- but I have realized I am really quite - so much in my head. I think I have gotten so used to being alone that the most talking I do is at work or if I am with my friends. I don't talk at home usually. Anyway-

I know OW is addiction and it's hard- I think I am feeling a little vulnerable though - fed up. I don't want to go back and re establish these boundaries again and do this whole thing over again. I jus want to go home to my family and get on with it.

Anyway- keep going as they say

[Valeska19]

Busting.. darlin breathe.

You have alot going on emotionally. Are you sure you aren't wanting to establish boundaries to try and get some control?

Take space. Take time. But perhaps wait until the waters calm until you set the new boundaries.

My gut says you are reacting right now. Wait... until you can act.

((( )))

[bustingout]

Yes I am trying to gain some control. You are right Val. You are right.

I need to breathe and let things settle.
Val you are like a guardian angel to me. Thank you for that. I will slow myself down.

(((( ))))

[bustingout]

I just landed back home. Lots of thighs from a. Dry confusing week of conversations with H. Maybe he really can't stand to be around me --- he can't see his happiness with me. I don't bring him joy or comfort or feelings of love.

He confused me so much this past week. I asked when you think of me- do you feel negative thoughts...he said I don't think of you much

Ok...

I annoy him.

Maybe we will all be together as a unit inn2015. Not sure about husband and wife-anything is possible (does he think I am just going to live like this ?? Like I'll continue bring a mother only while we live together..? And what he would continue having his affair..?)

Then that he will try and be nicer to me.

That maybe we can start to take small steps towards each other.
I asked:
Can you look at me as someone you don't know? I feel very judged by you and I don't understand why.

Maybe.

We need to take small steps towards each other if this is really something on the table.

Slow.

So.... For some reason I feel ok. We did do a lot of talking. Maybe it was healthy - maybe he is letting out some of the negativity he has held in for so long.

However-

I am More and more bothered by the affair. I wasn't this bothered before

I know a trigger for me is travel. Whenever I get on an airplane I think of the affair because I imagine them travelling together.

So- I think I have managed to slow my brain down. I know it's been a hard week emotionally and I need to settle my thoughts, fears etc that became all puddled and scared.

[bustingout]

Lots of thoughts from a very confusing..! Not thighs... Not lots of thighs! Lol

[bustingout]

I got home and H was nice enough. Less than a good friend or family member.

He just doesn't seem to miss me or ... Anything. All those positives that happened over the past months- they don't seem to have anything really to do with me.

Anyway- I am confused. It looks like he is staying here tonight ( he went out but left his stuff here) and he leaves on Saturday. Maybe he will stay at the house until then maybe he won't. I almost don't care anymore. I thought it was a big step when he did that the last time he was here but now it seems like nothing. Because he is making sure that it has nothing to do with me. Or the stability for the kids.

I am starting to feel like I am standing in vain now. I don't want to feel like that. I have lost some of my strength . I need to get it back.

[bustingout]

Just remembering bits from some of our recent conversations and my initial thoughts are he is confused and scared. He needs time. Just let things be. And live your life busting.

Then I start over thinking and my thoughts are more dreary - like I am a fool. I am being used. I am not valued.

And then I think it's probably all of the above. Right now- he does not value me and he may never again (outside the context of being the mother of his children).

It makes me feel less of a woman in a way...it's hard to explain. Like I am floating on my own. Ugh...am I having a pity party or what. Gotta get my groove back. What happened?

[whytry]

Bustingout, you are not a fool. Value yourself first. He values you more than he shows IMO or y'all wouldn't have been married so long. I guess what I'm saying is I was him in a way. My WAW tried and tried and survived many teary nights. I never once thought her value dropped I just refused to show or acknowledge it. Granted my issues are/were odd and do I regret it now. You bet! That doesn't change the who you are, what you want, and what your path is.

I'm overstating and do not usually try to help, but today was a day that I remembered all the good times, just like I'm sure you remember. Yesterday was a bad day for me. I survived, you will survive, but no matter what, tomorrow is a wonderful new day to enjoy.

[bustingout]

Thank you why try for your post :-) I am familiar with your sitch and understand you were that WAS for awhile. Your insight is appreciated. Yes, tomorrow is a new and wonderful day. I guess I lost some of my 'in the now' appreciation of the day I am in now. I keep wandering towRds the future and the what ifs.

I think I need to quiet my mind and focus. Because I keep having thoughts of 'what if I never have someone to raise my kids with? What if I never have anyone to share my life with?' Then I think ' you have been doing it for 4 years and you have been great- so whatever is meant to be will be'

Just can't seem to find my balance these days. I don't need h- I want h. When do my wants matter?

[bustingout]

Sorry hit submit ...
when do my wants matter ? Well I know with my choice to stand I am putting those wants on the back burner temporarily. I guess I am tired and confused.