There's a name and a reality show for those kind of guys. I think it starts with the letter g if I'm not mistaken. Vin Armani comes to mind (I don't have TV and can't confirm.)
Good on ya, FY!
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The distance between W's back and bum isn't too far apart.
Well, well...are you available for hire? I could use to prepare my bath so I can lay down my worn, sore body in hot water and drink my worries away with some good quality amaretto! You see...you cannot look at my body cuz you are a man.
Hi FY. I stopped by your thread today and I don't know why but I'm glad I did. My W and I still live together as well. It's almost one year since B-day and there have been ups and downs. Up until last Dec. my W would allow me to touch her ONLY when I gave her a back rub when she was stressed. All of a sudden at that time she wouldn't even allow that. Next she took off her ring and left our room for the LR couch. I didn't understand at the time why or what happened but then last month I found out she had seen a post of mine on another site! It couldn't have been as bad as she makes it out, I probably was answering someone who was giving me advice I didn't agree with but she said she was angry about what I wrote she took off her ring and moved out of the BR!
No, she didn't speak to me about it, that would make too much sense! She just used it as more justification for wanting a D (or at least separation at this point). Thing is, it was at that time that I came to realize she was having an MLC! Since that time I have been DBing like mad and I couldn't understand why it didn't have ANY effect! The night we talked, when I told her i was sorry if I wrote something she didn't like, when i told her I know she would be able to make it on her own, that was never the question, the question is is she better off. She came to me to give her a back rub!
What this tells me is this is a way for her to make contact. Don't get me wrong, most of the time she is so sure she MUST leave to find her "joy" but there are times when I can see in her face and actions she is so unsure but just so scared if she stays she will never be 'happy' and if she doesn't leave after all the hurt she has caused, she is afraid of being rejected or judged, even though I have made it clear I would never do this.
I am learning when I can give her small touches like you talk about. Usually she will either ignore it or a few times has moved away but I too will continue to make some sort of contact while I can. In my sitch there is a hiccup that you don't have. That is my FIL who is pushing her to leave me and the kids. I really think if he would stay out of the picture we would have a much better chance of making it through this with our M intact. Now I found out he is coming soon and I really think it is to "help' her find a place to move to, so I don't have much time before she may go. I have noticed that whenever she starts to maybe come out a bit, when she finds herself wanting my attention and to be there for her, she talks to FIL and it's right back to pushing away.
Your posts do give me hope. Most people on here don't live with their S and it's harder than most think it is! I know somewhere inside my W still has love for me but is so scared, in so much pain she is afraid that if she does come back to the M, things will just be like they were. Of course we all know that can't happen. Neither of us are the people we were before all this started. She suffered from major depression several years before this all started and I really don't think she ever came out of that fully, now she is afraid of falling deeper and as she comes out of replay, she starts to feel that same old depressive feeling and it scares the heck out of and she goes running back into the replay hoping to find the magic thing that will bring her 'happiness". If only she could see that the magic lies in her and our family!
Thanks for posting and I am going to follow your thread closely!
W returns tonight from her 4 night solo vacation, and I have BIG expectations!
In our email correspondence, she made mention of "finding answers to questions" and closed one of her emails with this quote:
True change is within. ~Dalai Lama
No, I'm not really expecting anything big, but I am looking forward to hearing all about her trip, and telling her about our events at home. Busting On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Matt, if any of my scribblings helps you, I am flattered. Like everyone else, I'm just doing the best I can. I believe my W deserves nothing less. I also believe she is doing her best, too.
It is not easy to give up on a long term M, especially one that really wasn't that bad. Our spouses always will harbor a bit of uncertainty, especially if we work on ourselves and play our DB cards right. It's our job to capitalize on this!
I've followed much of your thread and you have received some sage advice. In my humble opinion, you are fretting and spinning way too much over people and things you can't control. This is understandable in the beginning, but you've been at this a while now. Maybe it's time to step back, and reanalyze your course.
I wish you all the best Matt, and hope that you find a way to bring more peace to your life. It really is in your power to do this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Last night’s reunion went quite well, just as I expected. At one point on the ride home from the airport I put my hand on W’s leg for a few seconds… no flinch and she didn’t slug me either! At home I warmed up a veggie rice and egg dish I had made previously. She enjoyed it and commented that it was very good. (I’m not up to T2 cooking level, but I’ve come a long way!)
She told me all about her resort, showed me pictures on her iPad, and gave me details of what she did. I filled her in abut the family events I went to over the weekend. It was a very pleasant time together.
She also gave me a shirt as a gift “for taking care of the kids” (pets) while she was away. “for being such a wonderful H while I’m searching for myself” would have been even nicer, but what the hey, I'm not complaining!
There was a trip last year W returned from in an absolutely horrible mood. Drank too much one night and had to be taken to her room by resort staff. Slipped in the pool and whacked her head. Dropped her iPad in the water too, which ended up needing to be replaced. She admitted later that she felt dizzy for several weeks after this. Thankfully, my W's been very conservative with the drinking and partying. Even told me one time “You can only go out so much, and drink so much” (a realization that there must be a better answer for fixing the feelings she is dealing with)
I will continue to enjoy each day we have together, while looking for opportunities to move forward with making my desires known. I still believe we will have an even better, and more intimate M in the future.
Gosh I love my sweetheart.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
