I do try, SF, to comment and help people where I can around here. Lord knows I have taken from the board so I try to give when I can.
I think the amazing thing is that so many people here have commented on growth -- I think it is like literal PHYSICAL growth....you never feel it yourself, but others notice long before you are aware of it. I think I am different...better....but at this point I have to rely on my friends here and in the real world that have seen it and commented. To me, I just feel like I'm livin' - ya know?
Couple of things to share -- nothing major, just babbling I guess....
I went again to the Wednesday night meditation service at church. It's weird...I kind of feel compelled and driven to go even though part of me just wants to go home at the end of the work day. It is soooo beneficial for me. It gives me a chance to quietly kind of clear my head and focus -- there is a long, guided meditation/prayer component to it that helps me relax and feel....well, better about myself - even if it only lasts for a few hours. I think it is helping from a spiritual perspective and I see myself continuing to go....I think.
I have been seeing someone through all of this...sorta since February - but the relationship remains fairly undefined. We have never referred to each other as BF/GF....just really dating. And though I think it is good for me, I am considering kind of shutting it down right now. I know that I am not entirely whole-hearted right now and I often question if it is fair to only be partially there for someone that clearly wants the relationship to escalate. She has been incredibly helpful and supportive during the last few difficult weeks. She, too, is divorced with a little one....bad situation....she was being abused by her now XH....concussions, the whole deal. But she is in a better place now - and she is a great resource.....it's just that I don't think that it is fair for me to rely on her to help me move past my X. It's not fair to her. And as much as I do enjoy her company, part of me feels like the timing is wrong and I need to let her be free to find someone that can meet her on every level. Staying with her as some sort of crutch seems selfish and I would not want someone to do that to me.
I have remained silent with XW since the text exchange earlier this week. I got a text from her early this morning saying that I could just not pay her alimony/child support from my last check to cover the $700 error she created on my taxes by claiming S by mistake. I politely responded that I think it would be best if there were no interruptions to the payments that I owe her.
I do NOT want there to be any record of me NOT paying her for ANY reason. I thanked for the suggestion and wished her well with her move today and asked her to give S a hug for me. That's about the best I can do.
I was lucky enough on this journey to make friends with someone that works for an ad agency my company interacts with from time to time. Over drinks and dinner we started talking and she was interested in my life/story because she had been married, divorced, and then married her ex again. She has been loosely following my situation for awhile. We got to talk this morning and I gave her the most recent download of events. She basically gave the exact same advice everyone here has given me....back away and let her be on her own with her life....OM...and everything right now. She had some very good point - again, similar to what I have heard here. For a second, I felt like I was talking to 25.
I am trying to light the spark inside of me to go DO things. NEW things. I know that for the last few weeks I have wallowed a bit because of OM and I know it is time to pull out of the nosedive. It's just about time for me to get back to the DB basics again and try to project happy, confident, and OK with life. I don't plan on getting chummy with or speaking to XW at all.....but I can at least project positive when I have to.
