Looking up at the mountain ahead

[Train]

Hey, Wonka!!!

Baby, you rock! ... Good job on using this script!

Yay!!!! Thank you SO much! I was like: Dang! I was waiting on an opportunity to use that one, and Starsky promised I'd get my chance.

In a way, you are expecting way too much from H in terms of showing remorse and groveling. That is not the forgiving way to go about it. Focus on solutions going forward. I am liking what H has done so far in regard to wanting to work on the M and WANTS to be with YOU!

Thank you for this, Wonka. It makes me feel a lot better. I guess I've just read so many stories of cheating spouses being incredibly remorseful, even as soon as the A is discovered ... and I have A LOT of leftover anxiety from the first time this happened. I don't trust myself, or my judgment, anymore. What *has* occurred to me is that something I've learned through reading these boards and hearing from you, actually: I need to pay more attention to his actions.

- He sent her a text last night and sent it to me first to approve.
- He didn't meet her.
- ... instead, he was with ME.
- He is actively looking for homes in the mountains.
- He invited me to the mountains with him and the kids on Sunday and is now saying we will use that opportunity to drive through different towns to look for our new home for our new life. He is already mapping out the towns through which we will drive.
- He called off the divorce and even asked his L to send a bill.

I can't ask for much more than that, especially considering this is only Day 2. Thanks for keeping me straight and level-headed on that!

Or is this a sign that he's not where he needs to be to actually begin the long, tough road to recovery?

Honey, you cannot actually pin the recovery all on H. You do have a role in this as well. You do NEED to contribute to the recovery. It takes two to tango to make this new M take off in new direction.

Yes. I worded that question wrong. I should have said: "Or is this a sign that he's not where he needs to be FOR US to actually begin the long, tough road to recovery?"

My fear is that I'm going to be working on it more than him. That's just in my nature. I asked him last night, since we haven't had ONE conversation about the breakdown of our M: "Can you give me ONE thing for now? ONE area I can improve on, starting today?

And he said, "I want to have sex with you more. And I want you to sext me some through the day."

I swear, that's ALL he thinks about! But that's exactly what OW gave him that I didn't.

He did add, though: "And I know I need to pay attention to you more for you to want to have sex with me. I need to have conversations with you, take you out to dinner, buy you flowers. I get that."

Actually, H is VERY GOOD at all of those things ... except conversation. He's always bought me flowers and asked to take me out. His work schedule just got in the way. I think we are both looking forward to a fresh start, moving to a place with no triggers and somewhere that we can live better within our means and without him having to work so much. He DOES say he wants to live together when we move. We will start counseling soon, while we still live separately, and see where that goes.

Train, why did you have this particular reaction? Why didn't you believe him? Why are you not able to take his "ILY" comments at face value since he has declared that he wants to be with YOU. Yes, YOU!!!!

I haven't heard him say "ILY" to ME in so long. It almost sounded odd. And I guess I have a hard time believing he can possibly love me after the way he has treated me. The A was one thing. But his venom and meanness and the awful things he said just make me wonder: How can you love me this week when you were saying those things to OW as recently as last week? I mean, he was still forwarding my texts to her LAST WEEK so they could bitch about me. So how does he love me NOW, less than a week later? I just don't get it. At all.