buz 28: finally feeling worthy... a new beginning

[MrBond]

Just to clarify something.

"Some people have profiled on here about me & xbf that are just not true... some advisers just will not trust my words, but insist that I take their advice. How can I take their advice when they wont hear the truth first?"

You keep saying this stuff about how people have "profiled" you and your X. You haven't been profiled (that's your term). For those of us who have been here a long time, your situation and personalities are the same as dozens of others who have come and gone.

You keep saying how people don't trust your words or what you "know", etc. But the fact is all of that is YOUR perception. Sometimes you need someone seeing things from the outside to tell you when your perception may be wrong.

You never imagined your X was going to dump you. You probably told yourself that you "know" him, etc., but look... the more you learned here, the more you found out that you didn't know him. But you kept taking offense at people trying to tell you what he's going through and you've said time and time again that the posters are wrong until he does something that proves that that the posters were right.

And that's the frustrating part with you. Rather than keeping your mind open, you just chose not to listen to those that you "knew" was wrong. Part of growing and learning is keeping an open mind rather than criticizing the ideas of those with comments you don't agree with.

[adinva]

I like Job's new approach of asking questions. I think the point is that if someone continually gets defensive about truths you're trying to show them, and therefore is resistant to seeing them, then it may work better to step back and ask questions that allow them to explore the truth themselves and come to it on their own.

It's the "how's that working for you?" approach. There's nothing there to argue, may leave space for introspection.

[makingmagic]

Hi Bond, Advina... good morning Job!

Bond ~ "Sometimes you need someone seeing things from the outside to tell you when your perception may be wrong." <<<< I agree with this totally. I just feel that "sometimes" my intuition is valid and worthy of hearing & maybe adding to the mix = truth.

Ex: I KNOW he wants commitment (eventually), I KNOW he loves me & is not over me. I KNOW that his "coffee" moments are about keeping a connection (keeping his foot in the door).

SO... KNOWING all of the above, please include it when you are offering advice, comments, suggestions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was awake in the middle of the night.... tuff time falling back asleep. My mind went back to some statements read in the book I am reading "What really works with Men~ Justin Sterling".

Reading the part about commitment, got me upset: "when you are truly committed to your relationship, you stop looking for escape hatches, reasons to change your mind, and excuses..." "you eliminate quitting as an option"

I know that many of you feel that my Xbf was not "committed" for 20 years. And I debated the fact that he was. He was faithful, loyal, hard working, and HE believed he was committed. I guess I could say that he was 99% with the exception of marriage. He was not keeping a back door/escape hatch open for other women... However, the REALITY is that there still was an escape option. His view of commitment is based on him having an option to run, but chooses to stay. A marriage certificate holds a person who may not be committed. I see both sides here.

I am relentless..... I am trying to be committed to a person who "may not" be able to be committed again. This has me super upset this morning. In my heart and knowing him and who he is. This will bring him much sadness too if he doesn't commit again. I DOOOO know he needs commitment. He does not want to be a lonely old man and he is disappointed in other people.... but, I am chasing him with it again. Expressing "my" anxiety to have him be exclusive, may be scaring him off.

For me, if scaring him off is what he does...then good, I need to know that....BUT! its not the real truth.

The real truth here is that "he wants to commit" and I represent commitment and that is scary...because I am pushy and relentless and have been waiting for 20 years. I am trying to control something that cannot be controlled. Nor do I want to control it... I want to see/know/feel the truth here. I want to be pursued. I want authentic.

I have really got to figure out a way to let it go... let it be. Meanwhile, what do I do with my anger/disappointment? It makes me want to get my ego out and tell him to hit the road (knowing full well, that I don't really mean it).

How do I keep my self-value at the same time as giving him the time/space to come to his own conclusion, for himself? It feels so black or white here... no grey??

[LoisB]

For example... it has been suggested that I have an alcohol or other addiction. This is far from the truth! As suggested, I went to the doctor to enquire about it (felt obligated to follow the suggestion, was even challenged). When I was ensured that there wasn't a problem, this person still insisted over and over... Now, how would you/anyone respectfully hold your ground on a crazy notion such as this? I am insulted to keep having to hear it. I drink casually, socially & even less than EVER before.

Just to clarify, that would me.

What I suggested was that there was another problem, possibly addiction because you seemed very stuck and resistant to any and all advice given. I also said I could be wrong and that the point I was trying to make was...there appeared to be another issue at hand. Some issue which made you very defiant and resistant and defensive.

You may have also noticed that I shut up when Rick pointed out the whole help-rejecting information which I found very interesting.

Yet, since this strikes such a nerve, I do still wonder about something else going on. I think that's what the boards are for...we put ourselves out there and just never know what others will come up with as solutions/issues. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.

I don't post daily or even weekly on your thread. I gave you my thoughts because I saw you and, even more so, others becoming very upset when trying to give you advice/help.

To me, that's a trademark for addiction [b]or some other elusive problem we can't see in the virtual world:

I saw you being the eye of the storm while others trying to help you became all embroiled in the helping and make themselves sorta crazeee while trying to help you. I recognize that because I was one of those trying so hard to help someone for a very long time, to no avail. [/b]

For what it's worth, I'm glad you felt motivated to look at it.

And, I do think it's interesting how upset it made you and how it seemed to strike a nerve. Doesn't mean I'm right, just means that something about the idea really bugged you. My question is, "How come?"

In my world, when someone offers a reason for me being stuck and acting out in self-defeating behaviors, I'm interested in the possibility of it, because, then, Thank God!! there may be a way out...and a reason for why I do the things I do.

Like when Rick offered up the ideas on help-rejecting...I find it really kind and telling how Job looked it up and immediately started responding to you in a way that she felt may help.

Did you look it up?? If not, how come? I woulda been all over that like a monkey with a banana.

IDK. Take care.

[makingmagic]

Thanks Heather... I guess I didn't consider that I am rejecting help. Because I am so eager and desperate for it... didn't even make sense to me.

Not sure why your comment bugged me so much... maybe because it had nothing to do with my situation and was taking the focus elsewhere for several comments.

I do appreciate when I need to look at something & I am able to see it. I do try to consider ALL of the comments that people make... I am able to "try things on" and see if it resonates. That means there is room for growth. I want to grow and learn.

Tx for clarifying Heather... I appreciate it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A red flag has come up....

I do see that Xbf was prepared to be exclusive with me, he agreed when it was suggested & had been "acting" exclusively, in his own mind. However, when presented in text...he got squirmy, non-committal.

This makes me want to retract and avoid coffee/talks and protect myself from potential set-up/hurt. After discussion with a woman from my group, she suggested that I continue for the next 2 days having light convo & coffee connection time and then see if he pursues for a date this weekend. "IF" a date is arranged, then he is agreeing to be exclusive without the words. If not, he may need more time to decide or that may be an answer in itself.

[LoisB]

taking the focus elsewhere for several comments

Focus elsewhere from what? From YOU??

Where should the focus be?

[makingmagic]

focusing on a non-existant drinking problem was taking the focus off me and my situation.

It had nothing to do with drinking... was upsetting me to even go down that road for nothing.... felt like waste of time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know you meant well... If I had an issue, I was prepared to face it.

[job]

Magic,
If you felt that the "non-existent" drinking problem was taking you down the road for nothing, i.e., waste of time, then why did you even think of addressing it? You do realize that you have the power to ignore comments, etc. both here on the forum and in life? You don't have to justify or defend your actions each and every time you do something or make decisions. The only person that has to be satisfied and happy w/your decisions is you, no one else. You have the power to say "no, I'm not going down that road today."

Dig deep and start using your power of control over your destiny. You can do it!

You have to determine what is worth taking away from the advice and what's not. Okay?

[makingmagic]

Hi Job,

Honestly, i felt pressured and obligated.... this is what I do.

I was challenged & felt that if I didnt follow through then someone would insist that there was a problem.

Yes, I have the power to ignore some comments, but when I chose to do that I feel reprimanded & told that I am not listening & doing as I am told. Circular. Easier to just appease and get it over with.

Yes... I would like to exercise my power to determine what advice is worth it and whats not... but, I get such comments, etc... and scolded, it feels.

If you have noticed, I have lost ALOT of followers because I chose to take my own path here, inspite the advice I have been given..... funny thing is that I am taking the advice and putting my own spin on it. I would have thought it would have been recognized as strength... but, others prefer to see it as more "not listening".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have started a photo project to keep my interests elsewhere.

I am having a bad day.... I am wallowing in my situation, scared to be independent and to care about ME and my thoughts/feelings first. I see that I am retracting a bit, viewing HIM as the only man on earth and I feel the need to pretzel myself to please him. <<<< I don't want to do that.

Luckily I have a conference call with the women from my transforming weekend away.... hopefully I will gain some strength back.

[LoisB]

If you have noticed, I have lost ALOT of followers because I chose to take my own path here, inspite the advice I have been given..... funny thing is that I am taking the advice and putting my own spin on it. I would have thought it would have been recognized as strength... but, others prefer to see it as more "not listening".

What if I were to say I'm beginning to admire this quality in you Magic? I say, see where it takes you???

I haven't always taken the advice on the boards. I'm still alive. If you truly believe, you are doing what you need, keep it up.

I see that I am retracting a bit, viewing HIM as the only man on earth and I feel the need to pretzel myself to please him. <<<< I don't want to do that.

Is he the only man?

I thought that for a long time. I was the queen of that kingdom.

Then, I met this cute Forester who was younger and smarter than Smokey. He proved my theory wrong. He could actually talk about Thoreau and quote Walden!! Smokey probably couldn't pick out Thoreau amongst pics of living people!!

Then, I met another guy who offered other stuff and another guy who liked Monty Python too!!!...Point being, there are lots of men out there and they all bring something different to the table.

And, even scarier, what if you don't have anyone and still manage to be happy???? Crazeee thought. :-)