Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

I just landed back home. Lots of thighs from a. Dry confusing week of conversations with H. Maybe he really can't stand to be around me --- he can't see his happiness with me. I don't bring him joy or comfort or feelings of love.

He confused me so much this past week. I asked when you think of me- do you feel negative thoughts...he said I don't think of you much

Ok...

I annoy him.

Maybe we will all be together as a unit inn2015. Not sure about husband and wife-anything is possible (does he think I am just going to live like this ?? Like I'll continue bring a mother only while we live together..? And what he would continue having his affair..?)

Then that he will try and be nicer to me.

That maybe we can start to take small steps towards each other.
I asked:
Can you look at me as someone you don't know? I feel very judged by you and I don't understand why.

Maybe.

We need to take small steps towards each other if this is really something on the table.

Slow.

So.... For some reason I feel ok. We did do a lot of talking. Maybe it was healthy - maybe he is letting out some of the negativity he has held in for so long.

However-

I am More and more bothered by the affair. I wasn't this bothered before

I know a trigger for me is travel. Whenever I get on an airplane I think of the affair because I imagine them travelling together.

So- I think I have managed to slow my brain down. I know it's been a hard week emotionally and I need to settle my thoughts, fears etc that became all puddled and scared.