afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

W shut down her only credit card yesterday not sure why but I guess she was advised to by her L.

That was really her only credit history other than the house so not sure why that happened.

W can't get another credit card through my name without my knowledge can she? She has no job so Im not sure she can get one on her own but anything is possible I guess.

Little things like this make me think

[nit84]

W seemed to back pedal a bit this morning when I asked how bills will be paid. I guess she could be lying but said we are still are going to split the bills but she will need to write me a check. She knows that the D complaint is asking me to provide a life for her since she has no job so why tell me we are going to split the bills.

I can't write her a check for some reason so we are back to me paying the bills I guess which is exactly what one of her complaints was with our M.

I have a bad feeling somehow I will be blamed for all this not just by her but by everybody. I know I cant control that but I don't want the D so how can she be more upset than me and spin it so it looks like I am monster when in reality it is exactly the opposite.

Sorry to rant.

[nit84]

Feeling a bit helpless at this point.

I have had a couple short talks with my W about her desire to work together to come to some sort agreement on things. When I attempt to work with her to save some L expenses it seems as though I hit brick wall. Even though in the next breathe she says we will do all together.

I suppose that things that I do to protect myself wont be seen as that by my W and it will seem as through I am being mean or untrusting.

I still want to have trust in my W but it gets difficult when she does some things that seem sneaky or unmoral. I told I understand that she needs to protect her rights but not at the cost of abusing mine. I guess that is what this is what it will become is a battle where even though you don't want resentment or hurt feelings there no avoiding it.


I need to know if anyone has any advice or thoughts on things I can do outside of the legal mumbo jumbo to make this deal somewhat bearable?

I am continuing my GAL and my 180's and they are met with "too little too late". Or "for awhile I thought weren't listening but actually you were listening and if you were listening why didn't you know I was miserable?".

I calmly said "I knew things weren't great between us but didn't think they were that bad because you never told me how bad things were for you. You may have told others but those others didn't tell me either. So if you say I knew you were upset and I still didn't change enough for you that wouldn't be a totally true statement but I understand how you would be upset and have a right to be but had we actually had a face to face, heart to heart talk about our unhappiness on both parts I feel things could be worked on just as I feel they can still be worked on right now."

I know that was a backslide but I said it because it was from the heart.

If a 180 is making me feel good but annoying the W should it be stopped? Or is that annoyance just part of being a WAW.

Since last Sunday when she handed me the papers I have continued to do all same things I have been doing because I want to.

When she gets upset do I calmly something like "what does it matter to you? You have expressed your decision to me and there is nothing I can do about so I will not let it affect the way I am living my life to the best of my abilities."

Just observing some of her actions still leads me to believe that although she has filed and is "done" WE haven't had our last R talk. I wont bring it up and I am not looking forward to it.

Has anyone had experience with once the WAS files all the sudden it becomes real and they wake up and not necessarily come running back but slowly maybe try to feel out the LBS to see if there still might be a chance?

If the WAW feels backed into a corner not by the LBS but others or just life in general and they file because of that do they sometimes regret that decision and soften somewhat?

Thoughts appreciated

[nit84]

I have a question,

Throughout this whole ordeal. I have been pleasant hello, good bye, have a nice day etc.

I haven't pushed social conversation or R talks at all.

When business type stuff comes up bills and the like. I have answered as best I could without putting up roadblocks so to speak.

Having no idea what I will be advised to do by my L when I get one.

Should I back off all talk and give the silent treatment like my W does to me. Or just continue as I have been?

When my W gets upset she gives me the silent treatment, when she thinks it is important for to ask certain things she will then talk to me. Pretty childish but I understand.

Is giving her a dose of her own medicine something to consider or not.

Oh did I mention this is hell.

[zew]

I don't see any point in acting in a childish way. Continue to be pleasant. Take the high road.

[nit84]

Zew, thanks

I know childish is not the way to go but I wish there was some way for my W to understand that acting a certain way does nothing but increase the anger and resentment inside yourself. It doesn't make the process any easier or quicker. If I could tell her to let it go not to R but for her own mental physical health I would.

[dingo]

She needs to ask herself that on her own and figure it out for herself.

Rest assured that if she's acting out like that, there is a lot more to the 'reason' than that she's angry with you for whatever action you did - unless you did something completely dickish

[nit84]

Thanks Dingo,

Yes I have done a di**ish thing. I have slowly become a man only a fool would leave.

She has told me on a few occasions that she sees the changes I have made and I must think I am holier than thou.

Then in the next breath W will revisit the past and say but you knew I was unhappy and you didn't change. Now it is too late she says.

I have continued to do the things I have been since the S and I feel this upsets her because I haven't given in or backslid that much.This is mostly because these things are now becoming 2nd nature. Once you make the decision to become a person YOU want to be its not that hard really.

I am continuing to spruce up the house which to this she says we are not fixing up the house we are selling it. I counter with well if we have to sale wouldn't it be nice to get as much money as possible?

Then it is back to "I'm done talking" as I am already walking away.

[nit84]

Is it still possible to R after W has filed D papers?

Or do I just have to go with flow be as amicable as possible and allow the D to proceed and hope maybe someday W decides she may have made a mistake?

I cant get it out of my head that we haven't done everything possible to save our M bonds and create a new M without having to D first.

I know W says she has tried till she is blue in the face. She has to say that to justify her position. The way she tells me she has tried is suspect though, in the fact, that the people she said she talked to about her unhappiness have no idea why she is saying this, because they haven't talked to her. I know it really doesn't matter because her feelings are her feelings and I can't control that.


Just very frustrating that the woman I knew was never a quitter and has now resigned herself to believe or is being told to believe that once you make up your mind that your M is over there is no turning back, people don't change, once you lose your love somebody it can never be regained, etc...

W said if she wasn't sure about D she wouldn't have wasted 2500.00 on a lawyer. I told her it is just money no big deal and if she is so sure about D why wait 10 months and not file right after the S. She didn't answer.

I asked if she waited till she thought the grass was greener to file she no while looking away. I said then why not at least try talking to a coach I am using. She said maybe she would consider it but she could also just say nothing when asked questions I said that is correct and I understand that.

I guess a question I have is how can I ask her to talk to a DB coach in a way that is not pressuring?

I know counseling isn't always the best option but, I honestly feel that if she feels no pressure from my DB coach which I think is possible based on my previous solo sessions with my coach. My W may actually open up somewhat to get some things off her chest. I know this doesn't assure R but at least it is start to a process that may allow it in the future.

Thoughts appreciated!

[Nettles]

"Is it still possible to R after W has filed D papers?"

There are people on here who R after D is final. Being served D papers isn't the end. In fact, it can help WAS really examine what life will be like without LBS.

"Or do I just have to go with flow be as amicable as possible and allow the D to proceed and hope maybe someday W decides she may have made a mistake?"

Not sure what your state is like, but in mine, one S can't stop a D. Delay it yes, but not stop. If you want to reinforce W's thoughts on why the D, go ahead and try. But you aren't "going with flow", your DBing, right? That includes how you handle D process.