Looking up at the mountain ahead

[Train]

Things are moving quickly. Maybe too quickly. The conversation I was so proud of yesterday is almost a moot point now because H has said since that he wants back in our M. He decided not to meet OW last night, after all. Instead, he sent her a text - which he sent to me for approval - telling her, in no uncertain terms, their relationship is over. And then he came to our marital home to avoid her for the night.

Let me backtrack a little:

I received an email from L yesterday, saying H's L wanted all four of us to sit down and try to reach a settlement outside of court. My immediate concern was that H has been talking about following us to the mountains, which means his income is going to take a huge hit. What's the point of paying Ls to reach a settlement now when H and I would just be right back at that table a few months from now if he plans to move? In addition, how am I supposed to plan where I'm going to live if I know my support could change so drastically in only a few months? H still has me on a string ...

I texted H: Call me when you have a few minutes to chat?

Then I thought: No. This is what he wanted. And I'm ready to move forward. So, I emailed L back and told him - while I didn't look forward to the meeting - I'm willing to do it. And I texted H and said: Actually, never mind. (Remember, his phone is locked in his car, so he wasn't getting any of these texts at the time.)

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought: H doesn't have a track-record of thinking through things. Going through this *twice* is going to cost us a fortune. I couldn't think of many downsides to talking to him about it - and my L was okay with it - so I texted him AGAIN, right at 5 p.m., when I knew he'd be checking his phone: "Ok, so maybe DO call. Or better yet, stop by for a few. Kids and I are outside playing."

He came right over. Sure enough, he hadn't even considered it. I told him: "When I first heard from L, it occurred to me that this could be an expensive step we may need to avoid if you're going to move and change jobs. That's why I first texted you to call. Then it occurred to me: I'm ready to start moving on with my life, and being legally separated is a big step toward that. So I emailed L and told him to go ahead and schedule the meeting, and I sent you the follow-up text that said never mind re: calling me to chat. As it stands, we'll be having a meeting to work out the support order and sign our legal separation within the next week or so. But the more I've been thinking about it, the more I realize that it's in the best *financial* interest of the kids and me not to move forward with a support order right now if I'm going to have to pay my L now and again in just a couple months. It's going to cost us thousands to go through this twice."

H thought about it and said: "You're right. Are you good with what I'm paying you now?"

I said: "Considering I'm not paying mortgage, I'm good with it *for now*."

He said: "Okay then. I'll call L tomorrow and tell him we're holding off for now."

Then, he said: "I still have most of the tax money left over I was planning to use to pay the Ls for our D. How do you feel about using it for counseling instead?"

I was a little shell-shocked and don't remember much about my response except for asking, essentially, if he meant he was suggesting we put the D on hold indefinitely.

And then, he pulled his chair really, really close to mine and put his face close to mine ... and said yes. He wants to work things out. He wants back in our M.

THEN, however, he told me had plans to meet OW later in the night. I told him, if he truly wanted to commit to our M, that I would not be okay with that. I reminded him what he had told me in the conversation the other day about not being able to promise they wouldn't have sex. I told him, first: "I'm not your BFF. I'm your wife. It's incredibly disrespectful for you to talk to me about 'christening your apartment' - or NOT - with OW. It's disrespectful for you to talk to me about sex and OW *at all*. Second, no. You can't tell me in one breath you want to work on our M and in the next breath that you're meeting her later tonight."

He said: "Well, she's the one who said she wants to meet. I'm going to listen to what she has to say."

I replied: "Then I'm not ready for you to be my H again. And you're apparently not where you need to be to really be open to working on our M."

He said: "Maybe I'm not then. I don't know."

And I said: "Looks like we both have some big decisions to make."

Somehow, things turned less tense. He promised me I would hear from him later in the night. He hugged me, assured me he wanted to be with me - and was making plans for that - and left.

He had a meeting at work at 7 p.m. He texted me something at 8 p.m., once he was back at his place. I didn't respond. He texted an hour later: "You there?" I said: "Yep." And he started texting about random things - a computer, furniture, etc. He said his "meeting with OW" was at 11 p.m., when she got off work.

I told him to have a good night and that I would see him tomorrow (today) when he picked up the kids. He said, "Are you not gonna want to know the outcome?"

I said: "Depends. I'm still not sure I understand why you're meeting her in the first place if you've already told her you don't want a relationship."

He said: "She has a phone that I had gotten her to talk to me when OH was all over her as$. She's the one who wanted to meet, for whatever reason, and I want my phone back."

I simply replied, "I'm no fool. F*** a phone."

He wrote: "Huh?"

I didn't reply.

He wrote: "You know what? F*** meeting. I'll write her a text. I might come over there to hide out for a while though."

I said: "Just let me know if you decide to come over."

And he responded: "I'm gonna have to, she's liable for some crazy sh!t. How should I word this (text)?"

And, Starsky ... wait for it ... wait for it ...

I said: "Your mess. You clean it up."

He said: "K, on it!!!! :)))"

That felt good.

We texted a little more until he finally wrote, jokingly, "Hey stop texting me. I'm trying to write my 'out.'" I asked: "Your 'out' for GOOD? Or just for tonight?"

And he said, "For good d@mn it!!!!"

Then, he came over here, and we had a midnight drink on the back patio. We started talking a little. I told him I would need him to author a no-contact letter to OW. I also told him I would need him to agree to a transparency plan and, obviously, counseling.

The one thing that bothered me is that when I got to the part about the transparency plan, he said, "Yeah. Not a problem. You find everything out anyway."

I'm going to chalk it up to him being tired - for now. I could tell, even before that comment, that we were both wayyyyy too drained - physically and emotionally - to be having an in-depth discussion about our relationship or our future. But I knew I needed to at least get out my "demands" asap.

He's not exactly balking anything. But he's not showing me the remorse I feel he should have. It's more of that "power dynamic" thing. I'm not seeing him begging me back ... or even trying to understand the pain he has caused me.

Am I expecting too much, too soon?

Or is this a sign that he's not where he needs to be to actually begin the long, tough road to recovery?

H just texted to tell me he left a message for his L, telling him to stop everything, send him a bill and he'd be there to pick up all his paperwork soon.

He told me he loved me last night and this morning, and I felt my insides cringe. Is that normal?? I don't believe him!

I have a million more questions and concerns and fears swirling around in my head. But if I could get sorted out on those couple first, maybe I can start to pick apart everything else.