buz 28: finally feeling worthy... a new beginning

[makingmagic]

Hi Bond, Advina... good morning Job!

Bond ~ "Sometimes you need someone seeing things from the outside to tell you when your perception may be wrong." <<<< I agree with this totally. I just feel that "sometimes" my intuition is valid and worthy of hearing & maybe adding to the mix = truth.

Ex: I KNOW he wants commitment (eventually), I KNOW he loves me & is not over me. I KNOW that his "coffee" moments are about keeping a connection (keeping his foot in the door).

SO... KNOWING all of the above, please include it when you are offering advice, comments, suggestions.

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I was awake in the middle of the night.... tuff time falling back asleep. My mind went back to some statements read in the book I am reading "What really works with Men~ Justin Sterling".

Reading the part about commitment, got me upset: "when you are truly committed to your relationship, you stop looking for escape hatches, reasons to change your mind, and excuses..." "you eliminate quitting as an option"

I know that many of you feel that my Xbf was not "committed" for 20 years. And I debated the fact that he was. He was faithful, loyal, hard working, and HE believed he was committed. I guess I could say that he was 99% with the exception of marriage. He was not keeping a back door/escape hatch open for other women... However, the REALITY is that there still was an escape option. His view of commitment is based on him having an option to run, but chooses to stay. A marriage certificate holds a person who may not be committed. I see both sides here.

I am relentless..... I am trying to be committed to a person who "may not" be able to be committed again. This has me super upset this morning. In my heart and knowing him and who he is. This will bring him much sadness too if he doesn't commit again. I DOOOO know he needs commitment. He does not want to be a lonely old man and he is disappointed in other people.... but, I am chasing him with it again. Expressing "my" anxiety to have him be exclusive, may be scaring him off.

For me, if scaring him off is what he does...then good, I need to know that....BUT! its not the real truth.

The real truth here is that "he wants to commit" and I represent commitment and that is scary...because I am pushy and relentless and have been waiting for 20 years. I am trying to control something that cannot be controlled. Nor do I want to control it... I want to see/know/feel the truth here. I want to be pursued. I want authentic.

I have really got to figure out a way to let it go... let it be. Meanwhile, what do I do with my anger/disappointment? It makes me want to get my ego out and tell him to hit the road (knowing full well, that I don't really mean it).

How do I keep my self-value at the same time as giving him the time/space to come to his own conclusion, for himself? It feels so black or white here... no grey??