[SemperFi00]

Updating…….

• S15.5 just beginning to drive so I went with him for about 40 minutes
• Helping S17 study for the SAT which he takes on Sat – and have really been working in a couple of conversations to help him understand that this is for him. I have already been through this phase of my life but am more than happy (and would really like) to help – and he needs to want this for himself.

A little bit of a 180 for me, I think in the past I would have been much more adamant about ensuring that he prepared in the way I felt would enable him to be most successful. And even more importantly, working on not being frustrated if he chooses not to do it the way that I would have him do it.

• When driving last, found out that a small traveling carnival is in town for the weekend and I think S8 would really enjoy that. So that’s on the agenda for this weekend I think


For whatever it is worth, the last few days I am feeling better about things which is the complete opposite of how I was feeling about a week ago. Not better in the sense that W is going to change her mind about things, just better and a more positive outlook overall. One specific example that comes to mind is so what if she is looking at houses and thinking about moving out – that means I get to stay in the one that we hae spent years developing. And if she changes her mind and ends up with house, oh well – could be exciting to build/remodel another one.

There have also been a few periods of time recently where I have really thought that I may not want to be married to W any longer if this is the best that she is going to be able to offer – but the problem is that even having that thought and typing it out at the same time makes me cringe.

It seems so different that who I have aspired to be and what I believe my value system to be. I don’t have any burning desire at this point to want to take any actions based on those feelings – just trying to let them happen and see where that goes. Another small 180 for me, historically any feelings I didn’t like or that I didn’t think I should have I just ignored and packed away believing that eventually they would change again and get back in alignment.

Don't get me wrong, I still want my M to work but am becoming more comfortable with the fact that if W chooses to opt out I will still have a great life. I don't mean to comes across as arrogant but I really feel like it will end up being her loss in the long run..........

Now seems like I am just rambling – if that is possible while posting….. Assuming that this is a normal part of the process and maybe this is truer detachment???????