afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

Thank MrBond for the confidence builder!

Based upon the D complaint you correct about me being blamed for everything I think.

TBH, when the S first started I began preparing myself for this with documents and stuff. I figured different money aspects based on how I would be served. I didn't like to do it but I knew had to be done.

The outward impression I was giving off was I was being a pushover and I was emotionally because I still love my W. All the money things I kept to myself.

The problem is everybody thinks I have been too nice for too long. I see it as I am trying to work on things up until the D get signed so there was no need to do things that would have made me look bad.

I let my W live her life as she saw fit for a long time throughout the S because I believe I have always done that throughout the M.

Life will teach my W her lessons just like it has taught me.

I believe once my L which I need to get yet sees all the info and how things have been since S I believe I will be as ok as I am allowed to be under the law. Which stinks because I worked very hard to give US a great chance at a secure life in the future and now W is entitled to a portion of that to squander as she pleases.

I asked her if you were as done as you said were in July why not file back then why wait 10 months? Your financially situation hasn't changed so why drag your feet for so long?

I personally feel this is money motivated and can't do a thing about it as far as I know.

Anybody have a similar sitch where WAW had a great job all through the M then lost it shortly after S didn't want any help from LBH even though it was offered with little expectations?

Then claimed to be looking for a job for 10 months but through the grapevine figured out that was not completely true. Once her unemployment bennys ran out she said she was borrowing money to pay her half of the bills. Said the under the table job she had dried up but is still going in everyday as a favor and seems to be buying groceries and putting gas in her car and rejoined the gym that she has been going to two times day sometimes three?

Now that D is filed she wants me to do the exact thing I would have done if need be if we were still happy or even if we were S and she had no job, Which is pay all the bills?

She is asking for medical insurance to be provided. Throughout our M we were never on each others medical insurance even for a short time.

This is baffling that the one of the reasons we had problems was she thought I was controlling because I paid the bills. So when the S came about to show that wasn't the case I let her control the money. Now that has come full circle she needs me to cover her bills plus give her money to live a separate life. We are right back to where we started.

I told her even though she is saying she wants to work this out in a fair way W actions are showing different motivations.

I still have things that I am keeping close to my vest that may or not help me but I believe because I am perceived to love my W unconditionally, which honestly I still do, everybody thinks I will just roll over and take it like I have no family jewels.

I had them all along but learned in regards to my W anyways that showing that I had them was allowing her to believe I was manipulative and controlling. I have now learned how to show that I have them in a different manner and this is very freeing to me but very troubling to my W because she keeps saying why now why not earlier?

Now that I have put my foot down people will think I am being a jerk but I have to do what I need to do for me.

Have I handled this whole S from the beginning the correct way or should I have been a little bit more of jerk throughout so as not to look really bad when all the Jerkiness comes out at once now that W has filed? Have I been misleading?

I think My W will be ok after all this is finished at least that is my Prayer but I just believe we could have tried harder at staying M and creating a new M rather than choosing this option.

I understand her feeling that she tried till she was blue in the face. I disagree but there is nothing I can do until she maybe she changes her mind about that.

I asked to help me get some closure and she said after we are D she would be happy to help me. Of course, I said I need closure before I am able to move towards what she desires again we at different ends of the spectrum on something.

Am I crazy to still desire to work things out? I am pretty detached in the sense that I am moving forward with my life and have been for a while.

I don't want to be with anybody right now but family and friends think that is because I want to work things out. I tell them that is my desire but it won't stop me from living my life on my terms. If I feel the desire to date or if someone asks me out I have the choice to say yea or nay.

I keep telling people that life is about choices and that is a beautiful thing. Some choices are good others are bad but if they were yours and yours alone than you need to be able to deal with the favorable consequences along with the unfavorable ones.

Thanks for all the support you all have given me through this most unpleasant experience. I am sure to need more until this is over and after please continue with your thoughts and comments