One year in but a newbie

[Lifes Twists]

Last night they transported my wife to a psychiatric ward.Have to this morning and see what I have to do to help if anything.

The hospital had to report this to DCF. They called yesterday about the children. Today they want to interview myself and the kids. I have my worries my 14 year old will say she does not want to live with any of us, she is so angry right now. If she does, I worry they will take her away from me and put her somewhere.

[Upwards]

How awful for you & your family LT, so sorry to hear this

I hope the interview goes well today, I'm sure they will take into account that your D14 is struggling and is angry with the situation. Will be thinking of you & your family, take care.

[Lifes Twists]

Today I moved my girls back to the house. We also met with DCF and it looks like that will go ok so the courts won't get involved with the kids at this point.

My wife apparently had a bad day according to the person from DCF. She had tried to contact my wife who refused all calls and will not sign any releases. My understanding is one of the first emotions a person who attempts suicide feels after is embarrassment. That is why she does not one see anyone.

unfortunately me father in law is getting involved. He has been asking question about how much more is needed to get the CO so the house can be sold. I may have to go to court to get sole possession of the house in case he get my wife to sign over power to him. I can't believe he has no concern about the grandkids and is asking about the house at this point.

Tomorrow I am going to seek some legal guidance.

[Lifes Twists]

Last night was a rough night for me and my girls. Not a lot of sleep. What happened is hitting everyone now. I think the adrenaline has worn off from all that has gone on the last few days. I called my counselor this morning and hope she can get me in. I have to call for my youngest daughters counselor and see if she can also get in. My middle daughter already got in.

It has been hard trying to explain what can't be explained to my daughters. I hope they are starting to understand that they may not see their mother for some time. My middle daughters prom is in a couple weeks. That will be followed by her graduation from high school. My youngest will also be having a birthday this month with a big sleep over party.

Unfortunately, I expect to be dealing with a big fight with my wife's family. I never really realized how ignorant her father and some of her siblings are. On one hand her told me that in her youth my wife expressed a severe unhappiness and went into counseling and was eventually put on medication. Now he is blaming me for all that has happened and I can tell he plans on forcing the divorce and will try and force the sale of the house. I plan on going to court if need be to get sole possession of the house so my kids lives won't be disrupted anymore than they have to be.

I am very concerned for my wife. I know she is in a very bad place right now. I know she has hit rock bottom and it was probably where she had to go before she would get the help she needs. I pray she gets the help and her family does not interfere and prevent that in some way because of their level of denial and ignorance.

I have no idea what I or the kids can do right now for her. I believe staying away for now is best. Mothers day i coming up and I am thinking the kids can make a big poster card for her with pictures of them through the years. I am thinking it will have in big bold letters, " You have three really good reasons to stay around, We love you mom and want you to be with us for a very long time, LOVE daughters names".

I will have to ask if this may be too much for her. She was definitely rejecting her daughters at the time this all happened.

[SemperFi00]

wow LT - seems like you have really been dealt with some challenging issues! Sounds like you are doing well considering the circumstances....

Not a lot of advice to offer but thoughts and prayers are with you.

Stay strong - your girls will need you more than ever!

[Lifes Twists]

I am crashing a bit at this point. I see this as a huge set back for all involved. I am having to caution my daughters that if will be some time before they may see their mother again. I think it will be a lot of psychological help for my wife before that can happen where she will rah out to them.

I read where people going through MLC pull away from different people over time. Many times the children are the last they pull away from and will be the first they return to when they start to come out of it. I don't know if this is true when you include depression and substance abuse into it. I am trying to maintain hope. I don't know if she will ever return to the kids let alone to me.I am worried that with the suicide attempt there is an indication of much more damage than may be repairable.

M problem right now is finding the guidance to deal with all of this.I am in touch with the girls counselors and also trying to get an appointment with mine.

[Lifes Twists]

My neighbor and I were talking yesterday. She has known my wife and I for about 15 years. I told her about my wife's suicide attempt. She was aware of most of the rest. She eventually told me that she viewed suicide as the most selfish thing a person can do.
This caused me to think for a while. I had heard this many times in the past but had not thought about it during this past week. I have also heard that a person going through a MLC will be selfish and everything will just be about them. Given the depression mixed with the possible MLC is this attempt, brought on by her illness, the ultimate result of the selfish nature of a mid life crisis? I am struggling to make some sense of what has happened and trying to have something to say t my children that will help to to understand what has happened and what will probably happen in the days to come until hopefully their mother recovers.

[Ggrass]

I tend to think its a cowards way of dealing with things and all it does is hurt those left behind. At least she has been given a second chance. She will hopefully at least be taken seriously with health workers now and she should get help.

It might be a very long road.

[Lifes Twists]

I have been dealing with a lot of issues this week. I woke up several time last night and composed the following letter to my father in law. I will have it reviewed by a lawyer before I send it:

Hello Ed,

I wish to discuss a few things with you.

I have lived closely with your daughter’s depression for 19 years on a day to day basis. Longer than you or any member of your family have. I have held her and comforted her during her darkest periods. I have watched and agonized while this disease has eaten away at her. Watched as this disease has taken her away from me and from her children. I have watched her abuse substances and tried to get her to stop and to get the help she needed. I realized through a lot of reading about this disease that Judy had treatment resistant depression and tried to convince her that she needed to see more than her GP for treatment. I was unsuccessful in my efforts and overwhelmed.

When I married Judy 20 years ago this month I took my vows very seriously. When I said,” to serve and protect, in sickness and in health till death do us part,” I took this to heart and lived it for these many years. I have watched Judy struggle. I have lived Judy’s struggles. At times I was overwhelmed with Judy’s struggles.

When your family came last year and moved Judy out to the apartment they set Judy up for failure. She was not equipped to handle the kids alone. The kids have acted as normal teenagers will. Judy was not able to deal with this. Your family aided in taking away any support system Judy had because of their ignorance and lack of understanding just how far the disease had progressed. After everyone left Judy started to reach out to me whenever it became a crisis for her. This was increasing as often as every couple weeks in the last 5 months. I never hesitated to help, listen and comfort her to help alleviate the pain.

What I have found out since the incident that has put Judy in the hospital is that she has been isolating herself from close, long time friends and even family. This is a classic symptom of severe depression. I have found out that even childhood friends have not heard from her in months even when they have reached out and tried to contact her. They have only received silence from Judy.

The girls were getting angry that they had not heard from any of Judy’s sisters or brother. I reached out to Joan and found out that Judy had not shared the girl’s numbers to anyone. I asked, I believe much to Joan’s surprise, that the numbers be shared with all members of your family. I encouraged her to encourage everyone to communicate with the girls and offer their support.

Ed, as long as I have known Judy, she has not had one kind thing to say about you. If I take her completely at her word your actions towards your children would have been considered abusive. As I got to know you, as well as learn about Judy’s disease, I came to know that those views were clouded. That they were distorted by her disease and exaggerated in magnitude.

I don’t know why you never really had any relationship with Judy’s and my daughters. I suspect that was Judy’s choice. Maybe she felt she had to protect them from you. I never understood why you did not reach out and try to establish any level of relationship with them. I do you hope you may try now. I will encourage the girls to give you an opportunity if you chose. That will be up to you.

Ed, based on our conversations after the incident I have the following requests:

1. The girls have moved back to the home they have known all their life. Right now the girls need some stability. They have not had any stability for the last year and they now need it in order to be healthy and happy.

2. I will encourage the girls to communicate and have interactions with members of your family. I ask that your family does not try to interfere or cause issues. Be a support system for the girls.

3. There is nothing in the courts regarding the divorce at this time. Judy must have requested that anything be removed regarding any action early in April 2014 as there is a record of final removal in the court records for April 17, 2014. I will not discuss anything about a divorce until I am approached by her psychiatric team concerning it and assured that it is their advice for it to be completed at this time for Judy’s well being. Until then or Judy’s own recovery and request for continuation, I will not entertain any discussion on this matter.

4. I encouraged the girls to discuss where they feel their mother should go if she needs long term supervision after she is released. They feel that it would not be good for her to move in with you and Barbara in Florida. They feel that with their mother’s feelings about you and with Barbara’s health issues that this would be detrimental to their mothers well being. They would like for their mother to go be with Joan. They feel that she is the most stable individual in the family and could provide a stabile environment for their mother to recover. I hope that you will honor their request in aiding in Judy’s full recovery.

I hope that you will honor and respect my requests and that we will all work together for the well being of Judy and her daughters.

Thank you,


My hopes are that it will head off any issues from her side of the family based on phone calls I have had with her father. I hope her family will spend their efforts on my wife's health and her daughters well being.

[SemperFi00]

LT, you are certainly dealing with alot and the pain, frustration, confusion, etc.... you seem to be feeling is all perfectly understandable. Thoughts and prayers are with you!

Not a ton of advice, certainly not expert in depression and your W has taken some pretty drastic steps that I am only a little familiar with.

In terms of the proposed letter to FIL couple of thoughts - it seems a bit long and I am not sure that he will "hear" what you are trying to convey in the first section of the letter given how he has been described and where things are currently at. There may be a time later for this - just my thoughts....

What about expressing confidence that you are aware that everyone wants the best for all parties involved and then move on to what you feel the girls need right now and what you will be encouraging them to do (points 1 &2 above)?

The rest may be better served for another time and place - just my opinion though and certainly understand that you are in a unique and challenging position.

Stay strong!