Crimson.....good WILL come.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Bug -- I haven't been back to IC since OM bomb was dropped there. I know I need to go back. I just need to do some solo work first I think to get the most out of it. My C can only do so much.

If you can figure out what you real goal is, the solo work gets a lot easier to measure progress with...

What scares me about moving forward and letting go? Good question.

I am afraid of missing out on chunks of my son's life. Chunks that can't be filled with pictures, or videos or Skype chats.

Crimson, like the many parents who serve our nation in dangerous places abroad, you can miss parts of your son's life - and still BE a huge part of it. MANY dads (and increasingly some moms) manage to stay close to their children while not being physically present 24/7. In reality, very few of us can be with our children all the time. IF we could we probably would not choose that, b/c we know our job is to aim them well, and then to launch the arrow from the bow at some point.

We "practice" the launches by leaving them alone for times, at places like school or the kids place at church. They learn that they can stand on their own feet, you will return as you always do, meanwhile they can make friends of their own, play alone, happily, at times...and they only learn that from you not being in their face 24/7. (I saw a children's book in those days that brought tears to my eyes. The title was "Mommy Always Comes Back"...and dang if I didn't buy it and read it to our son when he was 3...)

I KNOW you mean you miss him the "other" times...the times you would have been with him, but for the divorce. I get that. But don't keep focussed only on what you MISS and overlook what you HAVE. The amount of time you spend with your son, feeling lousy about leaving him oh so soon enough, almost sounds as if it's tainting your time with him. Is it?

I vividly & painfully recall leaving the first 2 children with a sitter when I worked full time... the peeling of a WAILING child off of me, and what a terrible way to begin each weekday that was! But they survived. More than once, the sitter called me to say that "two minutes after you left, son was laughing with playmate"... We do what we have to do as non miserably as possible, and we stop staring at our loss, b/c we know our focus affects our perspective and our behavior and that affects our child.

Turning from your son when he begs to see you again "soon" or 'now" or "tonight", might not be such a great way to do this. Ask the child psych. (Only ask when you go with your w, IF you have to. I think her hearing you ask how to make it easier on SON, is something even she cannot quibble with).


I miss my boy, Bug. Desperately. And as much as people say "make the most out of the time you have with him" it doesn't take away the pain of him being gone. And this is the way it will be for his entire childhood.

There is so much more I could say I am afraid of, but it is terribly embarrassing and plays into my insecurities.

Crimson

You're not taking up too much oxygen Crimson...you did NOT cause climate change. You deserve to be happy.

My question for you is, do YOU believe that? Maybe you ought to add that to the "solo work" you do. B/c it really is true. You do deserve to be loved.

But no one will meet you to know you to love you, while you are on your couch missing your son.
(((( ))))