I think I belong here #3

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks again everyone. Today is another day and while not quite so sad as yesterday, I am still kinda stuck. I will see him today since he comes here to stay with the kids when I work. He will be here tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night, and then leave Friday. Then I work the weekend so, yay, I get him here again Saturday night, Sunday, and Sunday night.

It's easier when I don't have to see him.

I have been spending the day ruminating on the idea of friends. We both miss the friendship we once had. He of course wants to be good friends, co-parents, etc. Is it better for me to suck it up, let him go, detach, accept my marriage is over (because even if it's not, the old one is), and have him in my life as a friend?

We were friends for a year before we started dating. We dated for 4 years before our wedding. He knows everything about me. He knows my fears, my thrills, my secrets, my families secrets....he knows my life. He knows me.

I pondered on the idea of who do I miss? Do I miss really miss my husband? I mean, for the last year or so we haven't really had a true marriage. I do my thing, he does his, we eat dinner and watch TV together at night. But no love, no "I love you", no cuddles, random intimacy, no hugs or kisses, not even in the same bed.....Friends living together, raising kids, occasionally sleeping together.

I DO want more from a relationship. I want to be loved and hugged and kissed and desired. I want to have that closeness that distinguished friends from couples. He does too. That's what he wants and he feels as though we couldn't have that back. I feel like we could be amazing lovers and spouses again now that we recognize what we are missing....but I can't make him want the same things when he is infatuated with the faux green grass of the single life.

All of that to say....

Do I want him in my life enough to embrace him as a friend or do I want him completely out of my life except for kid and check exchanges?

Do I miss my husband or the friendship we had as roommates?

So much going on in my head today.