25, I do not mind your long posts. In fact, there are times I feel like a maze rat coming back here looking for you to have dropped a piece of cheese here for me. I honestly value it that much. Where to begin....
I think that ultimately I DID the best I could last night given my feelings. I don't think I snapped or anything....though maybe the phrase "......leave me alone" was too much.
To your point, I did not lie about anything at all. It was all true and fairly direct. I know that me not caving or giving her exactly what she wants will result in anger from her. Even if it is just a matter of me standing by what is agreed upon in the decree. This is how screwed up in the head I am (being transparent): I feel that the angrier she gets, the worse she views me as a person, and the worse she views me as a person the more she seems validated in her choice to leave and stay gone...."See! That's who he is!". And it's just not true - but she can't see it any other way.
I think I was just so vested in maintaining that road home that it's almost a reflex, ya know? She is not on that road, she is not interested in that road, and on the MARGINAL chance that she ever seeks a road -- it will not be the one that I have left paved. Hence, I need to stop paving and smoothing. It's just hard to do......as weak as it sounds I just don't want her to be mad at me. I can't control that and maintain my rights at the same time. That is becoming obvious.
SOOOO much of me wants to just tell her flat out that her not getting the vacation time and other things that she wants is a consequence of her choices. And that this is NOT what I wanted for her, me or our son. Divorce was not a proportionate response to the reality of where we were in our M. I want to tell her that based on all that I have learned over this time that in the context of a M, or even TRYING to R if she wanted to take THREE weeks to go visit her friends and family with S in Iowa I would let her without a second thought....just let me drop in for a weekend or two. That is NOT who I was in our marriage at all....not in the least. I wish she could see that things could be better than what we are experiencing now or what we lived in the past.
But I know and accept that I cannot change that.
I wish she knew that I still cared about her and wasn't looking to fight or inflict pain - and that these "incidents" are horrible for me. She doesn't care to know. It hurts my heart still to see her unhappy. She wouldn't believe that statement in a million years - but it is the Gods honest truth.
I cannot change that either.
I wish still that she would see me as a new man and accept our family again knowing that things could be better and that life together is better than life apart.
