Very low, internally, right now. One of my greatest successes is keeping W from seeing the internal struggle...a struggle that for the most part I've been handling well. But for some reason the last couple of days have been rough. Like I said, I'm hiding it, but it's there.
Despite doing well with 180s/GAL, I'm really missing my W...even though we're in the house together and getting along well. But I'm missing the part of our R that isn't there right now...the part that takes it from a friendship to a marriage. I've mentioned before, it's not the lack of sex per se, it's the lack of physical contact. She still hugs me, she still asks for massages, but there is a lack of something that is *almost* a *need* for me, not just something I want or like. My W is a woman who was up against me almost all the time...at home, out in public, on the couch, or in bed she was almost always on me like glue. Touching me, petting me, holding hands.
I feel like I'm going through withdrawal from that sometimes. I've even caught myself thinking a couple of times that if she's truly done with me then she should just move out so I can get through the withdrawal and then move on. Am I an attention junkie? An affection junkie? I don't know... but I've even caught myself thinking about taking my ring off so I can catch other women's eyes...and I'm a man who has never even thought about being with another woman during my M (well, aside from the normal healthy ability to recognize that there are other attractive people out there). But you know, I've never thought about cheating or had a desire to be with someone else...but now...I'm missing something in my life that was snatched away unceremoniously and it's absence is really getting to me.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
