More in a little bit. But, Starsky, your concern/alarm is dead-on. And I don't want to be with him until he DOES pursue me. In fact, I'd love to see him flat on his face.
Do I hold off on conversations with him? Pull so far back that he'd HAVE to pursue me in order to reconcile? Do I turn the conversations more distant? Do I just flip a switch like that? Will it work?
This is one reason why I feel getting out of this town will do me worlds of good. I feel like maybe I have some power to reclaim. I need to truly understand my worth again. Part of me feels I lost part of it somewhere along the way.
Maybe that's what it is. I don't know.
Great questions. Know that I am more hard-core than most, but all I go by what worked for me and what I've seen work for others.
Even geopolitically, I don't think you can negotiate the peace until you've won the war, and pacified your enemy. (It NEVER works) There will be a time to show forgiveness, understanding, compassion and an overall attitude "I will not lord this over you if you return to the marriage" to your husband, but until he says it's OVER -- PERIOD with the OW, and gives you the remorseful/contrite "What will it take?" speech, it's NOT the time to be displaying any of those other than just basic compassion and civility.
In my opinion.
In the meantime, your conversations should be of the "This is your mess; you need to clean it up" type, and of the forward-looking statements you made like this one you did, which was great:
Quote:
"She made choices, and she is responsible for answering for those to HER family. Her choices, and her family, are HER responsibility. You have your OWN family that you may eventually need to answer to."
It's a delicate dance, Train, but it's an imperative one. Your husband has to sense your forgiveness, and a smooth path back to the marriage, but he has to know it's with conditions. It's an "if/then" thing, if you're into logic: "IF you end your affair, and all contact with OW -- period -- and return to the marriage, I think you will find me willing to talk about and work on any and all issues -- including my own role in the prior problems we had in our marriage. But that ball is squarely in your court."
