With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

It had been a little while since I posted last and thought I would write some of this out as this is really my journal of sorts. I finished the book “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing” and found it very helpful. I may have stated this already but the book talks about a specific disorder that I seem to meet much of the criteria for known as borderline personality disorder (BPD). I have started IC back up and have my next session this Friday. I plan on digging into this BPD and seeing if I truly have this or not. I am somewhat excited about maybe figuring out some of why I behave the way I do and hope that it helps me fix some of the core issues of why I do poorly in relationships in general.

So as I explained in a previous post, I recently incurred a 1000 dollar repair bill on my truck for which I had to call my wife to discuss finances prior to undergoing the repair. My wife got very mad at me and spit quite a bit of venom at me over the whole situation. I decided that I was not giving her enough space and I was tired of her always hurting me while I am trying to be as pleasant as possible. One minute I am helping her get a better paying job and the next I am treated like a child and spat on.

She sent me an email Monday apologizing for her anger and wanting to know if the truck got fixed. She also asked if I wanted her to come over one night this week to go over bills and what not and then ended her message by telling me they had put her in for a large raise in pay at her work. I did not reply as it felt like another way for her to get me back on the hook so as to be hurtful to me again. She sent another email yesterday with some admin stuff and again asking if I wanted her to come over to the house either last night or tonight to go over some additional bill related stuff (all none pressing matters). I replied that “I would rather not have you over tonight or tomorrow” and that “Maybe we can attempt it sometime next month when I have D5 so that it will be more easy”. I added a few small sentences about “the truck was fixed” and when I was picking D5 up next and just to keep it polite I told her I was “happy to hear about her potential raise in pay”

I am kind of shooting from the hip as I feel I am in the LRT but am not sure if I am doing properly or not. I don’t have many senior DB’ers on my thread so I guess I will just have to keep doing my best and taking care of myself.

I also finished a book called “The 5 Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships” which is authored in part by the same guy who does the 5 love languages series. This book was not as solid as I had hoped. I found about 6 chapters very useful and the rest I could take it or leave it. I still found good information within the book mind you but overall it was a bit more lack luster than I had expected. I enjoyed each of the 5 chapters dedicated towards the 5 languages of apology and there where one or two others about how to tie it together that where nice as well. This book is definitely a “library read and take a few notes” type of book and I would give it 2.5 / 5 personally.

I am now reading the book “The 5 Love Language Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love that Lasts” for which I have much higher hopes for and will post a review after I get a bit farther through it. I am two chapters in and already find it a much more valuable read then the previous book.