Crimson....waiting for goodness to happen.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't mean "make her feel" deliberately, GM - like I am punishing her. But let's face it - I have absorbed a LOT of things that I didn't have to to keep the peace in the name of "trying" and not wanting to be the "jerk XH". I deliberately kept her from suffering from missteps and misinterpretations of the divorce decree and other things. I am done. DONE.

Crimson, forgive my lengthy post tonight. Here's my summation:

You were in a crappy situation that SHE created (for the present time, this is mainly on her). You handled it fairly well. I cannot think of anything "wrong" that you said, and let's not pretend you lied.

b/c ALL of what you said was/is true, correct? That must matter.

So if she were to quibble about HOW or WHY or WHEN you said the truth, then that would in fact be quibbling...

As GM said, you WILL "make' her angry by standing up for yourself AND you'll "make her" angry by...by...well, by breathing, probably. I can imagine her thinking , "Crimson uses up way too much oxygen; and he uses hair spray too much, thereby creating a hole in the ozone, and in fact, he is responsible for GLOBAL climate change"...

So if your ex w were to believe you to be & describe you as a Nazi lover who specifically detests the color purple, gays and oh btw, all Presbyterians...would it make any of it true?

Of course not. What she believes about you, is not based on currently available data.
So Stop telling yourself about how the "person who knew you best" does not love you anymore, and all the inferences that go along with that comment.

We all had that fear when the BD happened..(& "if I'm so great, how could the one who 'really gets me', leave me?")

Then in time we made changes, & we improved as people. We kept evolving into being great people...and it showed. And your growth does show.

If she cannot see the changes in you, then it's not that the changes are not real or that you are not showing them well enough, it's that She does Not know you the best, anymore!
And Or, she cannot or will not believe something that we all know is true.


So Crimson, Let go of HER FEELINGS, and handle your own.

If it makes you feel better, post here BEFORE you next respond to your w.;.

You told the truth, at her prompting. Too bad she doesn't like it. Too bad, so sad. Now, stop giving her all the power.

Also, please don't keep imagining her life being perfect now, and yours somehow being "proportionally bad" (as if the two are inversely related) AND as if your version of Her life is accurate.

I very much doubt things are nearly as smooth with Mr Wonderful OM as you fear. Maybe down deep, you fear that 1) the sex she will have is 100% better 100% of the time; b/c his superpowers help him intuit her unspoken desires and her personal timing,
and 2) that your son will somehow love you less, or OM more than you? Crimson, Do you fear that you will lose the love of both of them...??
Because if you fear losing your son in any way, that fear is as wacky & premised on falsehoods, as her perceptions of you are...

YES I think You did fine with her tonight. Whatever could have been improved or smoothed on your end, would have made no difference to her, and that's your present reality.
You may as well just be glad you spoke some truth to her b/c she's been hiding from it for quite awhile now. If you don't speak the truth to her, who will? Surely not her family. And Since you don't want to get saddled with more lawyer bills, truth won't be coming from them...

I think you'll have to take the hits for speaking the truth to her, OR pay 1-2 Ls to make it all easier for her to clear up...but will that help? Yes - b/c
YOU will probably feel better by Not having these conversations, so that's something to at least factor in...and maybe she won't blame the messenger, but my concern is only how YOU fare. I think you will fare better with distance and paying a few more $$ to the L's. What would you pay to not have felt this way all night AND to still have the information given to her?

Actually, I'm amazed she had the nerve to ask for anything at this time... it's weird for her to completely overlook money issues that are in your favor...perhaps that means she has been enabled to live in a false reality.


Yes I am a huge proponent of the statement to LBSers that's it "NOT our job to teach spouse's lessons" and it's "Not our job to show them the consequences of their choices/actions" b/c that is what Life does...and it's what my DB coach told me, and it really sank in...it also lessens our true burdens here.
Why?
B/C All we are really "supposed" to do here is be our best selves. We are not here to teach our former spouses that we are actually great people now.
We are not here to make sure they "get their just desserts"; we are merely supposed to try and become great people, while letting go of the people over whom we have no control...(and never did)...

So go easy on yourself about tonight. Hey, SHE blew it, not you. Ever think SHE might not feel so great about bringing all this up in the first place?

I doubt you are the only one who regrets the conversation of today.

Nothing on her end has changed Crimson. What's new is that you spoke up. Don't regret speaking the truth, especially when forced.

I cannot wait for you to see what is around the corner for you and your son! And don't you dare not tell us the good news, b/c it's coming!!