buz 28: finally feeling worthy... a new beginning

[makingmagic]

I am a dog with a bone... I do not seem to let things go, when I feel I am not heard....GRRRRR .... I did it again!!!

I got impatient earlier today after he asked me to define exclusive. I should have fluffed it off, because we had already declared it verbally & was accepted.

But no, I had to go and discuss it again & then try to fix it because I felt it was now coming off as pressure & we were interrupted and I never did hear his response... it was not clear. I was eventually able to bring it back to light & casual.... but, I see the damage it was doing & I see how it was making me feel.

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What I need to do for me is to trust the outcome & let it go. To not try to fix it. As much as I want to say "ok, sorry... I feel misunderstood & can we clarify it again?

What I need to do, is trust that my Xbf understands the rules of exclusive, trust that he has never cheated on me before and is actually considering me for a relationship reconciliation & then move past this.. let it go. Trust that God & the universe will work out what ever needs to be, will be.

What He needs from me, is to show up without expectations of having this discussion yet AGAIN... to show him that I can be casual, light and carefree... not needing to define & validate myself over and over.

Initially, I thought tomorrow that I will pull back completely, go dark (and punish myself).. but that might just confuse things. I think I will try to be casual, still nice but with a little reservation...as I have now spooked myself. <<<< I don't want to be HER (controlling outcome)

IF... he should mention it, or if the opportunity presents itself again in a few days... I will just apologize and state that was the Old me & leave it at that...