She told me she was pregnant 4 weeks ago and all her thoughts of going back to me were all just driven by her fights with OM. She was basically using me as her fall back guy because she's always believed that I would never do anything about it and go find somebody else.
I really recognized this Tuesday and just accepted that I had to file for divorce. Getting used as leverage and getting involved in their little dispute, where he was making all these threats was just so childish. I've been treated like absolute garbage by W and you know... I was just done. Thursday night I told her I was done and was going to be filing the next day.
And guess who calls me at 3 am. I thought that maybe W was having a medical problem so I answered. W said that OM got really mad at her and said he wanted nothing to do with the kid. W said she wanted to move away with me and make it work. I was like let's wait a week and see how you are. By 9 am they were back together.
She feels so guilty about how everything that has gone down that she's wants me to have the kids full time, except for every other weekend. This came about because a couple of friends of hers have told me they think OM is eventually going to abuse her. And even my W has told me she can't guarantee that won't happen.... I told her she can do what she wants but I don't my kids to ever see that. She must agree, but thinks its worth it i guess. I don't see this ending well for her.
I've tried to protect her, but she only wants to use me as a safety net. I guess I can do that for her... Just not as her husband. You know I'm not perfect, but I think I can do better than this.
It's been 8 days since I filed the divorce, and honestly I feel really good about it. W signed the joinder and approved the alimony and monetary settlement we agreed to.
The only hurdle is making sure W signs the kids to me like she said. W keeps saying she will, she knows in her heart they are better off with me.
Yesterday, W was telling me she wants me to cosign for next place starting in June (she wants to get a 1 year lease). I told her I would be ok with a few months, but no way would I be cosigning for her place in November when her baby will be born and OM will be staying with her all the time.
She started threatening me and told me she was going to have to move in with OM and his parents next door to me and the kids. I responded that would be a horrible thing for the kids to see and she needs to apologize to me for threatening me like that, and she did. It's weird, she doesn't respect me, but she still respects my opinion.. I don't get it.
I've asked her a bunch why OM won't cosign for her, she doesn't know... LOL! It must be true love. He obviously doesn't trust her. She's starting to panic I think. She knows she can't control me much longer. She can't control OM either. Her parents and whole family don't accept her.
We'll see where this goes, but I don't want her back. No thanks. I'm pretty sure this is what detachment looks like. It feels great.
Been a while, so I thought I'd post an update of my soap opera life I live in.
Past 3 weeks or so W has been very apologetic about everything and not cold to me like before. I wasn't sure if she's trying to be friends or something or what. Anyways two weeks ago she asks if I can come home from work because she's too emotional to watch the kids. When I get back she starts crying, hugs me, and tells me she still loves me. She just thought she was too damaged and she was stuck in this new life she created for herself. It was definitely emotional for me, but I have been down this road before with her, so I tried not to get too invested. She hadn't broken up with OM yet and I told her that for us to work and for me to stop the D she has to have no contact with him.
She breaks up with him the following day, but still hangs out with him over the next few days. Then he breaks up with her. This all seems so childish. She's still not over her feelings for him. She has no idea how to end a relationship and go no contact. Maybe it's the baby thing, idk.
Anyways we talk a lot more about everything. I express my concerns about how selfish she was, how she wouldn't watch the kids, and that she likes drama. She admitted to all of those things and told me while she loves the kids she's "not a kid person". And she enjoys being by herself in her apartment every night. Good Lord.
When we go out (this past Saturday) the OM somehow figures it out and texts her to have fun. OM also texts me a pic of her she had sent him previously, she must have given him my cell, idk. After our date she wants to meet a friend to take her home, and when she gets there she tells me that OM has been waiting at her place in his car. She sneaks into her apartment before he can see.
OM then leaves a letter on my car the next day detailing when the affair started (last July), where the affair happened. All the trash that my W would say about me to him. He said she's a sociopath with no empathy and he's glad he's done with her. Yeah, knowing all this stuff definitely hurts. The fact that she had such little respect for me as a person. He also ended the letter saying it would be better if me and W raised the kid and he won't have any contact with the kid. He'll only pay child support to W if the divorce goes through and it's proven it's his kid (his exact words were he'll see if he can provide for it). I know my W told him I filed the D, but I guess he doesn't believe it.
Anyways the couple of days following my W is stewing over how mad she is at OM, and I just feel like this is so dumb. She's in love with somebody else. A guy who's basically a psychopath, and acts like a child.
So this past Tuesday I told her I'm done. I don't see any improvement in her. There really isn't many qualities I see that benefit me for the future. I would really need her to change a lot about herself at this point, and I don't think it's possible.
She doesn't seem to be buying it as she continues being nice to me, cooking me dinner, kissing me on the forehead in front of the kids (which I have to tell her not to). She went to her counselor yesterday and she told me it went well. At the end her counselor told her to come back tomorrow because he's worried about her. WTF does that mean?
If anybody has some advice for me or can give me hope that she turn this around I would love to hear it.
...And she goes back to OM this past Friday. She didn't actually come out and say it. I was able to guess so because she didn't contact me all day. She has actually never said she was with OM any time. I've had to guess it every time. Is that normal or is she just kind of a coward?
I was upset with her on Friday and asked her if she actually meant what she said about the apologetic email she sent me a few weeks ago. She said she did and said she would go into more detail later. Of course she hasn't yet. I told her on Monday I no longer need an explanation and all future communication will be about the divorce and info about the kids.
I also told her that as long as she continues the relationship with OM I will not be friends with her. So I'm NC with her at the moment. I have not spoken to her in person or on the phone since last Thursday.
Anyways I've been getting involved in more sports lately. I've got the kids with me basically full time, so I still have their activities to do with them. I think I'll take them out this Saturday to do something fun.
Still need to tell the kids that me and W are over and that W is having a baby. I'll be making sure the kids are still excited to have a new half sister. Uggghh.. not looking forward to doing so, but it's the right thing to do.
It's hard being so gracious to somebody who gives you nothing back in return.
Still need to tell the kids that me and W are over and that W is having a baby. I'll be making sure the kids are still excited to have a new half sister. Uggghh.. not looking forward to doing so, but it's the right thing to do.
It's hard being so gracious to somebody who gives you nothing back in return.
Hey man. I applaud you. You deserve real happiness in the future and I sooo hope you get it.
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
We were trading emails about our relationship falling apart last Thursday. It was not going well... a lot of blame back and forth. I've been standing up more for myself and not taking the blame for stuff (which was an issue in our M), but I pushed too much onto her.
So I got it back on track and just wanted to summarize our marriage and told W that we are both to blame for our marriage not being what it could be, but she is totally responsible for the affair. I told W her issues with me were valid and I've been working on them. I took responsibility for my failures. I finished the email saying that most of all I regretted losing her, because she was worth fighting for.
At first she didn't respond, but Saturday morning she emails me saying we need to talk about what I said. Then a few hours later she calls me saying she really needs to talk to me in person. I told her I didn't see the point, and she starts crying.
Since then she seems different... I don't know. We don't have much contact. But she emailed yesterday morning thanking me for praying for her all this time. I never told her I have ... but she is right. I don't know how she knows this. I told her just because things didn't go my way doesn't mean I would stop. She said she really appreciated it.
Now, W is very good at manipulating me. I'm not sure what she wants out of this. I told her I won't be friends with her if she continues on with the OM. And I'm sticking to that.
Under the advice of her IC W is flying across the country to be with her friend for a while to gain some clarity. From what she tells me her IC thinks OM is not good for her and that W likes being in a co-dependent relationship and she needs some time away from OM. IC told her that he felt like keeping her as a inpatient for 72 hours, but he doesn't think that's long enough. Good Lord.
Where I fit into this equation I'm not sure. She probably thinks I'm just her backup. I expressed to her last night that I'm not getting much out of this relationship and I need to find somebody else. She responded "No, you don't".
If she does actually follow through with this, and stay away for 3-4 weeks and break it off with OM permanently then at the very least I could be friends with her and I'll respect her.... I just don't think I've got anything left in the tank to reconcile with her.
Divorce is still proceeding... we're about 45 days away from it being finalized. Last night she goes "Maybe I won't sign".. to hold up the divorce I guess.
I went to the required parenting class last night. They showed video after video of kids with just a huge amount of pain they're carrying around. I wanted to puke. It does give me some more motivation to try and work things out with W. I do hope this trip does something for her.
I'm kind of stunned she's actually doing this. She's getting on the plane shortly. This is a big risk for her as far as time with the kids go. Being away from them for 3-4 weeks in the middle of divorce proceedings...
We talked a little last night and I told her I know pretty much exactly what she needs from me in a relationship. I listed it out and she just smiled.
I just have to figure out if she can give me what I need. For my kid's sake I would probably try. I still feel like I'm just a backup plan to her... maybe that would change after a while of reconciliation.
